This pass weekend I had to experience the death of another loved one. The whole death process, the notification of a death, the wake, the church, and the final good-bye (burial). What an exhausting and overwhelming feeling one can have/experience. Not to mention not having a clue what the parent feels. I don't even want to think about the hurt that the parent feels for a very long time from now. I wanna pass away before my children so they get to experience life and the world itself and on their own time. What a horrible way to feel to lose a child. I cant and I don't want to even imagine! I swear also that all the cockroaches come out of the woodwork when a person passes. I had the opportunity to meet 2 "sisters" that had no contact with Michelle whatsoever yet here they were crying for a sister that was so "dear to them". GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! They had the nerve to control the whole arrangements of Michelle, had the fuckin nerve to ask that they review my eulogy before I read it and everything else in between they wanted control of. Their reading contained something to the effect of the love of a sister and ever turned on the waterworks. I made sure of two things: 1) leave "sister" out of the eulogy when addressing family, 2) THEY DID NOT GET TO READ MY EULOGY and they'd have to deal with it! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE is what ran thru my head when they "requested " that. They're lucky I didn't say what I had to say and bit my lip. Some things are just better left unsaid unless provoked which I wasn't. LUCKY FOR THEM that's all I had to say about that.
I was given the honor to read a eulogy for Michelle and everyone loved it. I was worried that it may sound as I was rambling on and on but not one person mentioned that. Some of her cousins even requested a copy of it and it touched my heart. Im attaching the eulogy and poem that I read so you can see just exactly was said:
It’s not Goodbye, it’s until we meet again
Good morning everyone. My name is Blanca and I am Michelle’s aunt that she inherited thru a marriage. I was chosen to be speaker/representative for my family and close friends. It took a great deal of time to try and find the words to say, to describe what we all feel. Its hard to express all of our feelings when we are all individuals dealing with a different level of hurt, some of us stronger than others, some of us dealing with the sorrow privately, while others are being the rock for the rest of us. Michelle was more than a niece and cousin, she was more like our sister, the go to girl when we needed a smile, a hug, or her famous pasta dish. When I first met her she was a young toddler with a bubbly contagious smile that became her trademark as a young woman. In our circle we all inherited the name “Myrtle” which was bestowed upon us by “A.J.”/Aunt Jan. Everyone that met us or knew us, always asked the question “who is Myrtle? Where did that name come from?” If you were part of the circle, Myrtle was an everyday name and it is what bonded us. Michelle had names for each and every one of us and we knew exactly who she was referring to when she mentioned the names. I took the time to read her wall on FB and everyone pretty much said the same things we all feel…Michelle was a genuine friend, a witty girl, had so much going for her and she truly will be greatly missed. We’re shocked, were saddened, and we’re angry. How could God take this wonderful person from us so quickly and without notice? They say our entire life is mapped out on the day we are born.
I cant stand here and say that I know what Jesse and Chucky are going thru because I don’t . I know that it’s a different type of pain, the loss of a child compared to the loss of a friend or family member. I read something on FB that stated “a child without parents are orphans, a spouse without the other spouse is a widow or widower, but what are we? We lost Michelle who was, a daughter, a niece, a cousin, an aunt, and a friend to so many of us. What is our title? Are we lost souls on earth? Are we being punished? If we could take the pain away or bring a departed one back, believe me, we would’ve done it already ten times fold, but all we’re left with are memories of her laugh, her dancing, her facial expressions, her hugs, her abundance of confidence, and her phenomenal smile.
Michelle left us suddenly that morning but she took a piece of us with her and it should comfort us to know that those pieces she took from us will keep her company and she’ll never be alone. All the memories that Michelle has given us will forever be instilled in our hearts, it will help us get through life’s journey without her until we meet again.
I had a poem sent to me when I lost my father and my bestfriend and I would like to share it with all of you and hope it touches your heart as it did mine.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When Tomorrow starts without me,
And im not here to see,
If the sun should rise and find your
Eyes filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry,
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things
We didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too.
When tomorrow starts without me,
Don’t think we’re far apart
For every time you think of me,
I’m right there in your heart.
Today starts off the 6th month of my post-surgery. I weighed myself and I am at 160.6 pounds. Only six pounds lost since my last weigh-in last month but little steps I suppose. I'm still in a size 12 slacks and a size large in blouses. I did however go buy 3 bras that are a size 40B. The cup is drastically decreasing in size but I don't mind as my boobs were never one of my favorite aspects of my body. Oh and a funny/unusual thing happened while I was walking out of the church on Saturday. A few co-workers of Michelle who work here at my facility stated that they seen my "video" at the hospital. So I guess my video is now playing thru the facility. This is the 1 of two videos to be shown. This first one is of the facility itself an discussing it in general. What a patient does when they visit the facility. I suppose the next video will be of the personal interview taken with doctor and patient. I believe it can also be searched in "youtube" under Dr. Bipan Chand or bariatric or loyola bariatric. Here is my 6-month picture:
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| February 6th-160.6 pounds |
Sorry for the short blog, I'm tired, still have to catch up with work from Friday and Monday as well. Its been all draining and still hard to accept the fact that a person I'm so used to communicating with on a daily basis is no longer going to be there to communicate. Death, its the only certain thing that will happen to us. Other than that, death is unfair, it will always leave us longing for a second chance to hear a voice, see a face, yearn for a hug, or a chance to change an outcome. Oh an before I forget, I truly believe that Michelle communicated with me on Friday night. I was standing against a banister that was near the stairs to go downstairs to the coffee room. I felt two tugs behind my leg. I first thought perhaps a person was holding the railing going upstairs and touched my pants. The second tug made me look behind me and there was no one there. My friend Nadine even asked me what was I looking for or what did I drop and I told her what I experiences just seconds before she asked. I swear on my kids that I felt this and I knew at that moment that it was Michelle letting me know she was there! What more could I ask for!
Life after death, people do go on with their life until it's their time. Life goes on, sad but true but people who die are way better off than we are here on earth, they no longer feel hurt, pain, anger, etc. They say heaven is beautiful and love throughout. We're living in hell and dealing with day-to-day life the best way we no how. Everyday we wake up is a good day and how we deal with it is entirely up to us.
