World without love???

What is it with world? Maybe I should say, what is it with the people I give my heart to, I gave birth to, people I make feel good on a daily basis, I TRY to smile and be "positive" because they all say I'm so negative. Why is it when I voice my opinion they take it as a negative remark versus just a way I see things of how they look unless clearly justified or perhaps I'm looking into the future of the "what if, worse-case scenario" and not meant to be a negative person. I'm so fuckin mentally drained, I swear I think about suicide at least once a day if not more depending on the day and how fucked up it has been. I swear the people related to me namely my kids, my fuckin husband drain the FUCKIN LIFE OUTTA ME. My kids are still self-absorbed and my husband can't be happy for me FOR NOTHING not even if his fuckin life depended on it. My supposed close friend Nadine made me feel like an outcast last Friday all because she wanted the truth about a guy she likes, I inquired and told her what she wanted to know even the bad news and now she outs me. WTF is that! I asked my husband last week if I could have a bbq for my birthday, just my close friends (mind you that its not many, a handful) and he said he'd think it over. Today I text him to see if he'd like to have it on a Saturday or a Sunday and his reply was "Im not crazy about inviting everybody why cant it just be us"? Why is it that I felt the need when he turned 40 to throw him a big bash, he has a fantastic time and YET here I am, turning 43 and yet to have a party for me. Why is it that he feels the need at any given moment, minute, second he has to show me my worth to him. A man who claims to LOVE ME SO MUCH, DONT EVER LEAVE ME, I"LL CHANGE BLAH BLAH BLAH and here I am fuckin CRYING!!! How can I continuously overlook his faults day in and day out and have my spirit just killed little by little by EVERYONE I love? The more fucked up thing about it is, if I were to die and lets move forward to the wake, ALL THESE MOTHER FUCKERS that treated me poorly are now crying! WHAT FUCKIN HYPOCRITES!!!! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!! What a fucked up way to be thinking I tell myself but I have more hate than love, more jealously than contentment, more tears than smiles, and definitely more sadness than happiness. LIFE IS JUST FUCKED UP. Why does God want me to be this way??? Was I such a bad person younger?? Why have me born into this life? Should I be mad at God for making me feel this? Should I be mad at myself because I lack so many things in life that Im stuck where Im at? Its funny how people say leave the current situation without really thinking it thru. Yea just leave the house. Yea sure, where do I go with no fuckin money? A friends house? YEA RIGHT and burden them? Its so fuckin easy to leave, so fuckin easy to say to leave. Sure, let me live in my car, change and shower at work? Yep, I"ve thought about it already. Im tired. Then people wonder why I keep shit to myself. Why talk about it??? Why burden them with my fucked up life when they got shit of their own to deal with? I wasn't born to rely on them let alone burden them.

Whats more fucked up is, here I am, being displayed throughout the hospital, this patient who has lost so much weight, her success and whatnot and here I am walking the halls smiling at everyone and deep inside all I wanna do is be dead. How fucked up is that? So many people would be shocked if I ever took my life. Like you see on tv, it was so sudden, came outta nowhere. Yep that would be me. I'd leave in a blink of an eye and no one would know or have a clue.

Just having a fucked up day. I suppose it was going good until I got the text from my damn husband. Last night I got confirmation that I would be able to be a vendor and sell my scarves next week and I was pretty stoked/nervous about it. I cant say that Im surprised about not having a bbq, hense why I said I asked him if I could and he'd be able to think about it BUT I guess I thought "if he loves me he will tolerate my request" but nope, its not the case. Fuck it! After all it is his house and I'm just a tenant. I really shouldn't be surprised. I set myself up for the disappointment and I should've just not asked at all and I wouldn't be here writing this blog. I'm tired, tired of people lying to me, tired of people treating me like shit, tired of living. I suppose blogging is better right now that looking for an excuse of being alone and pondering life. I seen "what dreams may come" this passed Sunday and its such a sad movie. Wife looses her kids and four years later looses her husband only to commit suicide. Her husband tries to get her back from being a lost soul. How sad is that but he loves her. Ironic thing to me, I'm fucked in life and I"d be fucked in death, suicide would make me a lost soul, no golden gates for me or the fires of hell, just a lost soul. Even dead I'd be alone!

April 17th...

It's been awhile since I've blogged. It's been pretty crazy at work where I cant even collect my thoughts because I have things thrown at me from every which way I look. I took the chance today to write a little blog before it truly becomes madness again here. Lets see where should I start? Monday, April 15th I had my appointment with the plastic surgeon regarding my abdomen area. I nearly broke down when he asked me what I was doing there and why I felt I needed a "tummy tuck". I the proceeded to feel totally humiliated when the time came for him to view, touch, exam my troubled area. I felt like breaking down in the elevator while going back to work. I know he has seen much worse cases than my case but nonetheless my troubled area is my worse case that I see on a daily basis whether it be little or small in other peoples eyes. I was weighed and from past medical encounters in the system which was my visit with the bariatric team in February, my weight has remained the same since February which is 155. YES I HAVE IT THE PLATEAU that everyone seems to talk about at one point or another in their weight loss. That also kinda bummed me out. Even thou I did not gain weight and I remain stable, I would still like to have seen some sort of weight decrease. The doctor proceeded to ask me what it was in mind that I wanted, was at my goal weight, and when do I want to proceed with the tummy tuck. Of course, he would have to put the paperwork thru insurance and see if it would get approve. My reply was, I am almost at the goal weight my surgeon wants me to be at (150) but MY GOAL weight is 125, I'd like to have a tummy tuck but perhaps closer to August, since August would be my year. Ideally he states that I'd loose about 20 more pounds but the whole 30 to make it the complete 100 is likely not going to be seen. I REFUSE to hear that and I will try everything possible to make my 100 pound weight loss happen. I stated that I would may another appointment to see him in August and hopefully arrange surgery shortly after that appointment.

I swear, before sitting down to blog, I have all these things in my head that I want to write down yet when I actually sit here and blog, I FORGET EVERYTHING!

OH!  So I got an e-mail which read:

Blanca,
Our Bariatrics team would like us to do a follow-up interview with you to add to the original video. They are thrilled with how you're doing and would like you to talk about your progress.
We can do the taping here at Loyola somewhere, at your convenience.
Let me know if this is something you'd be willing to do.

So I will be doing a follow-up video on Monday 22nd at 1:00pm. I'm flattered yet feel like I have really achieved anything because I have a long way to reach my goal weight. Nonetheless, if this video inspires anyone then I guess my words to whomever makes it worth it.

I'm still actively looking internal and external for a new job. Things here are crazy and very disorganized and just pretty overwhelming. I hate to be in an enviornment that is so unorganized that there is no structure seen in the near future. People I work with are pretty cool but lately I have been feeling its time to move onto bigger and better things and better myself one way or another. Pray for me and I hope God puts something good in my path. I'm not complaining, if its God's will, it will happen.

I did pretty well in selling my scarves and jewelry at a fundraiser here at work, made about $350.00 and just this pass Sunday I sold about $65.00 worth in jewelry. Baby steps! :)

Okay, that's all for now. I'll try to blog more frequently but not promising anything! :)

APRIL 5th...

Geesh, its Friday, where do I start? Shall I start with I woke up feeling sad today. The weather outside is brisk, sunny, and its supposed to go up to 45 today. Why am I sad? I have no clue, just feeling a bit emotional today. I cant even explain it. I feel like something is missing inside/outside/mentally/physically. Pick one, anyone, and I would be able to tell ya what's missing from every single one of those listed. I think I'm sad because yesterday I didn't go to the gym BUT I did however go to the park to get a walk/run in. I was there from 7:30-8:45pm. I ran the park 3 times and walked it 3 times. Running on a treadmill in a gym is TOTALLY different from running on concrete. When I run at the gym on the treadmill, I can set the speed (5.1). At the gym I run for 5 minutes at the speed of 5.1 and then I walk for five minutes at the speed of 3.5 and alternate until my 5k is complete. I make the treadmill selection of a 5K and it takes me about 44-46 minutes to complete it. I'm not sure what the dynamiters of the park is but I did want to stay exercising at the park for the same time I'm at the gym. When I ran around the park, I was very winded and came to the harsh reality that gym and outdoors exercising is completely different. I felt defeated when I noticed that I was winded. I'm not saying that I'm not winded at the gym, because I am, but I felt different at the park. I kept pushing myself to keep going even though I really wanted to stop. On the treadmill I can monitor my running and whatnot but outdoors, its just a whole other ballgame. I dunno. I'm not gonna stop doing it. I tried it and I got a taste of it and I'm gonna work on it more and more until the winded feeling subsides.

I still have clothes in my closet that I try on and notice that they are baggy at the armpits or fall off my neck area which upsets me. Yes I'm happy that they are baggy and falling off but at the same time, trying to look semi-decent in an outfit it hard especially when funds are low. I cant keep going out every day or weekend to find clothes that fit. I love the second hand stores don't get me wrong but its FUNDS that prevent me from doing anything. My morning routine usually consists of determining what outfit I'm gonna wear, getting ready to get dressed and if its baggy, then it goes in a pile on the floor for donation. I think that's what got me down today as well this morning.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, getting a haircut...thinking EXTREME, like pixie extreme! I'm so unsatisfied with my looks. I'm not sure what is going on. I cant explain it. Something is missing and I have no clue what it could be.

Drum roll please................the magic number today is 154.8. :( That face pretty much sums it up. I hope I have not hit that dreaded plateau that everyone speaks of because I have such a long way to go. That number right there is another factor as to why I'm blue today. I have my appointment with the plastic surgeon on April 15th and hopefully plastic surgery for my abdomen is in my near future. Here's my 8-month picture:

I participated in a fundraiser yesterday, for the "healwithlovefoundation" and displayed my jewelry for the very first time and as well as my scarves. I made $282.00 from that showcase. I feel really stoked about that! My next vendor display will be at an open house that my friend is having April 14th. I also started a facebook page for "Myrtle's Bling" to show the stuff that I have made and is for sale. The website idea was going strong until my darling husband said "dont do it because you'll get taxed on it" and there went that idea. Facebook is about as close as I'll get to having a webiste. Better than nothing I guess. Better than me having to pull out my phone and show pictures when I can have one go to facebook and look at the things I made in the albums provided. My facebook page can  be found by searching "Myrtle's Bling" or drqqpy2@gmail.com. Hopefully it goes well there too. I swear, I had many thoughts in my head this morning as I started this blog but with all the interruptions in between blogging my damn thoughts went away and have no clue what I wanted to blog about. Grrrr! Bye for now!