Last day of May...

Where should I start? Even thinking what I have to blog about makes me wanna cry. What else is new right? It seems I get older and cry more and more as the days pass me by.

My birthday has come and gone. It was bittersweet, if that's even the right word to use. Friday May 24th, I had a pretty awesome day. Spent the entire day with the man who captured my heart as a little girl. We went to the arboretum and walked and walked that whole place. Thou I am not a fan of plants, walking helped me get my exercise in and most importantly, spend quality time with this man whose time is always limited when it comes to me. Here are some of the pictures from that day...

We went home at the usual time (when people expect us to be home during a work week) and dinner was planned that evening with my close best friends. We went to a sports bar that I celebrated at last year, the food is awesome, the garlic waffle fries are to die for! My love even went to dinner with us as well, what more could I have asked for on this day! It will definitely be one of the best birthday's ever to remember. I was a tad bit upset that my friend Nadine didn't go, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I suppose this day was also another reminder that we have parted ways and distance only shows me just how much. Nonetheless, I had a good time and here are the people that mean the most to me...

Ironically enough, Nadine and I bought tickets to the crosstown that happens every year in our great city. I was honestly waiting for the text from her to say she was canceling or some excuse for not making it. She did however surprise me and kept the date. We talked about her mostly, what's been going on with her, the guys she's dating, the good money she makes at her new job, and not once did she even ask how I was doing, how am I feeling, nothing at all. It's cool, I don't think with the way I have been feeling that I would've shared anything anymore with her. I mean, I'll bullshit with her, shoot the breeze per say, but personal things a person would share with a good friend, yea, that's not gonna happen anytime soon if ever. Especially with her. Anyways, here are some pictures from that night...

Unfortunately, the Sox were swept in the entire series of the crosstown match up but I had a good time. The Crosstown was on Monday, May 27th.

My actual birthday, May 26th. Where should I start...I guess there is really not much to share. I cried some more, cried that my husband goes out of his way to upset me, my one twin Sandy spent the day with me, while my oldest daughter had to remain downstairs to keep her loser boyfriend company because she knows I rather not socilalize with him at all. My other twin Vero, yea she texted me around 5 that evening, because she's another one, has to be up her boyfriends ass and not focus on the important things in life, you know like "mom". I went to go see Fast and Furious 6 with my husband and Sandy and it was a pretty good movie. We went to Chili's and had dinner. That was the brunt of the whole day. We got home pretty early, probably 7 and of course my husband didn't want to go to 2 different bbq's that we were invited to. I wind up going to one of my male besties bbq's (Nelson) with Sandy. This is were Sandy and I had the most quality time I think we ever had. That 20 minute drive, so much was shared, I will never forget that. I told her how proud I am of her, never to give up on her dreams, I shared with her my dreams, my fears, if I had the money I would divorce her dad and the reason's why I felt that way. To my surprise, she did not scold me, she sat there and just listened. She actually said she wasn't going to see me any different and even encouraged me to fulfill my dreams. Easier said than done but not out of the picture! I miss my girls, all three of them. I miss holding them on my lap, holding their hands, I miss them looking at me with that look that "mommy is my world". I sat at the dinner with my friends that one night and just looked in awe at how those two little girls my friend had, were now mommies with children of their own. This feeling came over me, I cant even describe it, but other than jealousy, it made me smile to know that they had grown into beautiful young women with a good head on their shoulders, doing what they needed to do to get shit done and growing and growing each day individually and with their children. I'm not gonna lie and say that I don't wanna be a grandma, but like I posted in an earlier post, I'll be a happy grandma when my girls are stable and doing what they need to do to get shit done without the help of anyone.

What else is going on??? I've been working pretty long hours at work because they haven't hired anyone and it seems that my work never gets done and the piles keep stacking up. I've been working about 10-12 hours a day. Oh and softball started on May 23 so I'm pretty excited about the season! I tried my hand at bowling on Wednesday, May 29th and since my 10-year hiatus, I bowled terribly. My first game was an all gutter game (never in my life did I ever bowl and G-game), my second game was 69 and the third game was 107. Mind you, I used to average a 161. Boy did those games bumm me out lol. The love of my life has been acting differently and I'm not sure why. It seems that I cry more and more as days pass due to him versus smiling. Its not normal, its really sad in my eyes and as much as I would love to spend time with him and know its not possible, you would think that I would still be smiling because I have something in life to look forward to. I'm not saying a "life" with him, but just a text, a simple talk or walk when possible, something that gets me through the day, my "life" in general. I've been thinking more and more each day that perhaps God punishes me for the decisions I have made, the decisions I make in general and some sort of punishment for being the person I am. The distance amongst my friends, the loneliness I feel, the guilt I feel about my surgery, all these emotions God is making me feel is my punishment for the person that I am. I cant be mad at God, he does the things he does for a reason and all I can do is accept them.

I have a vendor event at a park this Sunday and then another vendor event on June 14th. Hoping to be more successful than the last one at Paisan's. We'll see how God handles those for me.

I wont post anything about my weight until June 6th. Hopefully I lost some weight, but with the stress I've been feeling lately, Ive been eating a whole lot and out of the ordinary which also has got me bummed out and feeling very defeated. I need positive vibes thrown my way and I hope soon. Well, I guess I'll be back on June 6th. Bye.

Tuesday, May 21st

Just a quick blog note to get the thoughts outta my mind. I had a pretty awesome Monday, its very unusual since Monday's can be quite caotic. Everything was going well. I went along with the routine of a Monday, excercised during lunch (walked around the campus twice which is two miles) and then it happened. I went to the store, looking for a cute outfit or something to wear this weekend, my birthday weekend. I picked out like 12 different things to try on in the fitting room, something else I don't normally do. Twelve outfits and two somewhat caught my eye. It was a jumper, one basic black and one with dimensional graphics (you know to hide the obvious fat). As much as I loved the dimensional one, I put it back. I actually felt anxiety. I let that damn demon in my head get the best of me. It kept telling me that "your not that cute to be wearing something that" and the other demon was of my oldest daughter putting me down telling me that I'm not young and me losing weight trying to be a teenager kept playing in my head. I looked in the mirror and all I heard was those things playing in my head. I did send a picture of my outfit, one to my friend and one to my husband. Of course my friend liked it and said it looked cute, my husband on the other hand didn't even reply. NO SURPRISE there. It's unreal how guilty I feel for succeeding in my weight loss. ITS CRAZY to me that I feel guilty. I've lost friends because of this. I feel like they have distanced themselves from me. Why? I'm still me! I don't talk about my weight loss, I don't flaunt it purposely. I wear different clothes, not skin tight clothes but I'm not trying to flaunt my weight loss. If anything, I find myself "hiding" even more from people. Every time someone stops me and wants to talk about my weight loss I hurry up and change the subject. Why? Because I don't want to talk about me, I don't want to sound like I'm bragging. Its crazy how I'm so worried about what everyone else thinks that I don't even want to celebrate "me". It's crazy, I cry about it more now, never would I have thought in a million years I'd be crying because of my weight loss. I've about given more than half of my closet away either to people or good will and literally have little clothes. I haven't shopped (except for yesterday and didn't even get the jumper), I go to the second hand store every now and then and that's about it. My emotions are all over the place. All I know is that I'm more stressed and the need for food is getting stronger. I come to work stressed, work stresses me, my home stresses me, and now my so-called-friends are acting shady that it saddens me that I cant even turn to them for a chuckle here and there. Thankfully, there are still a few that can make me laugh and get my mind off what is troubling me. Yet, they are in the dark of what is going on. I wont tell them. What for?

I truly try to be a positive person. I really do. I realize that toxic people are in my life (mainly my home, especially my husband) and I feel that when I'm around toxic people, my whole internal flame, you know the positive flame, the flame telling you "you can do it and conquer all" seems to die when I'm around toxic people. I feel myself shut down. It's not like I can avoid the majority of the toxic people, I live with them. The outside toxic, thankfully I can just walk away from. I feel that after my surgery, my emotions are all over the place. I think I might have mentioned my emotions somewhere in other posts and I still truly believe that my emotions are all over the place. Like some type of chemical imbalance. I feel like I forget things quickly, attention span is less than usual, my agitation is on high with just the slightest choice of words spoken to me. ITS CRAZY!!! It really saddens me period.

Well, I'm trying to remain positive about my birthday weekend but something tells me I'll be doing more crying in private than smiling like a normal human being should be. I guess stay tuned.

I have an appointment to meet with my nutritionist, psych doctor, and bariatric doctor today. Can't wait to speak to my nutritionist and to the psych doctor. I need help curbing my need to eat when stressed and see if my emotions can be controlled when I talk to my psych doctor. :(

Mother's Day like no other...

Mother's Day has come and gone and thou I was expecting tears, argument's, and more tears, I can actually say for once that did not happen this year. My one twin Sandy gave me a cheetah blanket that she made  the little fringes around the base of the blanket. Love it! My twin Veronica took me out for breakfast. My oldest Bianca wind up getting hit by a car on Friday while leaving work, was limping around Saturday and complained of pain YET declined to go be seen. Sunday comes around and we're having breakfast and I notice the foot getting bigger and more purple so we go to the urgent care clinic. Couple hours later and it is confirmed that she indeed has a broken ankle! Bianca did see the driver, how it happened is crazy but nonetheless, she seen the driver, he dragged her a few seconds on her bike, she fell and without much time or even clear thinking, she was worried about getting hit by other cars that she didn't get a chance to see the plates of the truck. She does remember how he looks, the truck was an older dull red truck opened on the back and we did file a police report. This girl is more worried about losing her job and wanting to go back to work right away than her health!

As for me, I've been feeling kinda sick. I did have dumping last week Wednesday that lasted until Friday. Saturday comes around and now I have severe abdominal pain that will not go away. It feels like I have severe menstrual cramps. My stomach is hard to the touch. I am gassy and even thou I have had bowel movements since Saturday when it all started, I still have abdominal pain, gassy at times but nothing comes out. I have tried gas-ex, prunes, and coffee with no relief. If things don't get better I will be going to the ER because this pain, which come in spurts, is horrible.

That's all for now. Here is my oldest while our visit to the urgent care clinic.

May 6th, 2013...

Well here I am, 9 months out since surgery and feeling all sorts of emotions. They range from self emotions to the emotions of others close to me. Cinco de Mayo just passed and I did not indulge in the usual drinking that Cinco de Mayo usually brings. My weekend was pretty quiet. Saturday I went to go work out. Usually I don't go work out on the weekends but since Tuesday and Wednesday I wont have time to go work out, I figured I'd make it up some how and not feel guilty about it. (I have to take my oldest to Truman college to take her GED exams, I'm praying that she passes this time around). Anyways, I went to go work out and then I had planned to meet my friend Nadine at the bowling alley near my home to pick up a package that she had of mine. I went home after the gym and played with my dogs in the yard while I waited til it was time to go by Nadine. My twin Sandy was home and I asked her if she'd like to take a walk with me. She actually said yes. She's been bummed about her weight so she has now started watching her food intake and started working out. It made me pretty happy when she asked my advise on how to eat properly. So we walked to the bowling alley and met with Nadine. We didn't stay long because Sandy had to get ready for work. While there, Nadine invited me to a bbq at 7:00 and I said "sure" no problem, just call me and we'll go. That was that. The remainder of the day I sat and made some scarves for the vendor event I have for May 9th. So now here it is 7:30pm and no word from Nadine. Nada, no call, no text, nada. I suppose I could've called but lately there has been noticeable changes with her so I guess I was putting her thru a test and hoping that I was wrong with my gut instincts. I took my twin to her friends house around 9:00 and while I was at a stop light, I looked at my FB page. There I would notice that Nadine is at a bar with friends drinking it up. So I texted her and asked her "so I guess you opted out the bbq?". She said "yea, I was doing things around the house, poonie's friend came over and I left, I forgot to call you". Hmmm...how does one "forget" to call a person knowing that they had made plans? She proceeded to say "is it too late for you to come out? Come meet me". Welp, the fact that she said "is it too late" made me sad to the obvious that I have a "master" and the fact that she said "I forgot" really pissed me off. I just replied "since you forgot, it was for a reason and I'll pass on the outing today, have fun, talk to you tomorrow". There's emotion #1. Hurt. It's cool though. I've been noticing that Nadine is been excluding me from the outings with our mutual friends, not that I hang with them EVERYDAY but nonetheless, they are not strangers to me and I've known for a pretty long time. The last time I seen one friend in particular, it was at Nadine's house which I blogged earlier about and she seems to tag me in FB to come out, do this or that, and just include me in in whatever they are doing. Yea, Nadine has "forgot" to mention a birthday outing and now an outing that she was at that night with that particular person and other mutual friends. So my gut instinct is correct, emotion #2, jealousy. UNREAL! It's cool though, whatever gets a person thru the day. Lets not forget that I have an outing with Nadine May 27 to Sox park and Im contemplating selling my ticket so she can go with her friend. It all sounds PETTY, yes I know but why be around a person who feels that way about you?

Emotion #3...Guilt. Some people don't seem to understand that when I go to a bar and just "chill" with them. It really discourages me in wanting to hang out because some people just don't respect when I say "I just can't". I'm super happy that I'm losing weight but as I start to see people, the routine people I should say, I'm starting to feel guilty. They all smile, they compliment, BUT they also judge my decision, judge me because I cant drink, judge me because I'm cautious of what I eat when I sit down to order something or just life in general. I don't like answering questions about my weight, I don't like answering questions of what I eat, etc. I don't want to voice an opinion on clothes, on food, nothing.  OH AND LETS NOT MENTION my ideal "skinny" compared to someone else's "ideal skinny". I wanna look a certain way period. God forbid I tell anyone, all I hear "oh that's too skinny, that sickly, oh that's never gonna happen".  Ugh, I just rather just talk about what's going on with everyone and their life and just "opt out " on my behalf. Selfish? It's crazy how I feel guilty for losing weight. It's crazy how my own daughter can put me down for losing weight and say I'm "trying to be a teenager again". Just the other day she commented on a picture on FB, it was of me at the Sox game with Nadine and she commented "I miss this mommy". How crazy is that!!! It's pretty sad.

Emotion#4...sadness/loneliness. It makes me real sad that at home the one place I would expect emotional support really lacks in support. I'm sad that "friends" lack that support as well. Towana, she's been there every step of the way and even notices my facial reaction to when I'm getting full on food. She makes me laugh when she has the clothes on that I have passed onto her and says "don't you just love my new outfit". Lol. It's sad that the support is just not there by so many that I thought would support me. I wish I had someone who has gone thru the surgery so I can ask what it is that they feel. Ask their experiences. I'm lonely because just of what I just mentioned above. Any weight loss, any new size, the tv appearance or videos, ANYTHING at all I cant share because either there is no one to share it with or the person I do share it with REALLY is just wishing all evil vibes to me.

All this makes it more and more hard for me to come out of my shell, my introverness stronger, my need to keep to myself greater and just become a skinny shy person, rather than the FAT shy person. Like I said before, if people only really knew what demons I battle internally and in life general, they'd truly be surprised.

Anyways, I weighed myself last week Thursday and it said 155, I actually gained a pound. Go figure. I took a before and after picture on Saturday with that weight in mind. Today, the actually weigh-in, I weighed myself early this morning and I weight 152.8 pounds. So hopefully I have broken my plateau and will start losing weight now. I have 30 pounds to loose still. That's 10/month before my 1-year anniversary.

With that being said, here are my pictures...



May 6th, 2013 - 152.8 pounds



Univision Possibility...

This morning as I get to work I usually do this and that and then sit at my desk and start my day. I'll check my e-mails for any patient information that I may need to know and came across this e-mail:

Blanca:

Would you be interested in appearing on Univision with Yvette Cisneros from the Loyola center to talk about the weight loss program?

The date would be Tuesday, July 16 at 7 pm and you would be instudio in a taped interview with Jorge Barbosa and Angelica Antondo.

The interview would be about 20 minutes and you would be sitting at the news desk with the anchors.

The segment would run at 10 pm on Tuesday, July 16.

I would provide you with the questions in advance that they would ask.

Thank you for your consideration,

Stasia

 

If anyone knows me, my adrenaline started pumping, not because of being stoked about being interviewed but the fact that I'll need to speak Spanish appropriately AND THEN because I'll be put on TV. I don't think I'll ever get over being shy around new things or people. UGH but I have stated that I need to come out my shell and be more outgoing rather than an introvert.

 

I will post again next week with my weight and an updated picture. Happy Friday!