OMG...

OMG!   Let me tell you what transpired yesterday! So I received a call from my surgeon's nurse at home last night. She was calling me to inform me that my surgeon wanted to know if I would be interested in being interviewed along with other patients about our weight loss journey/story. She didn't have alot of details but basically said I would sit and be asked questions about my experience with the bariatric team. The staff would also be interviewed and THEN it would be shown all around the hospital campus. HOLY ****!   I was getting nervous just thinking about it as she kept talking. Finally when she finished, I told her I would let her know by Thursday if I'd be interested. The interview is to take place and recorded on Tuesday, December 4th.

I'm a pretty much super shy individual . Lets not forget a very shy chubby individual. The thoughts of having people see me throughout the hospital system gave me some anxiety. I would be the girl walking down the hallway and people will stare, point, and maybe even laugh. I guess my chubby girl syndrome still lingers deep back in my head telling me these things could happen and truly probably wouldn't even happen. I asked three of my closest friends their thoughts on it and they all said "DO IT". Their reason's were pretty much all the same "to inspire" someone else to "go for it".

Never did I intend to be considered as an "inspiration". I'm still trying to find myself, get used to that fact that I will indeed be a transitioned slimmer individual and perhaps not as SHY as I am. Lets not forget that I weighed 225 before surgery and I currently weigh 176. It's not much of a weight loss, at least not in my eyes. So Im still kinda questioning "why me". I'm quite comfortable being "baby who is left in the corner" .

SO, today, I knew I would run into my surgeon (I work in the same hospital as he does and better yet, I work on the same floor his main office is located in, not the clinic but his main office). I tried drastically to avoid running into him this morning because I knew he had probably touched base with his nurse and she would tell him I'd give an answer this Thursday. My morning was going pretty good, I avoided running into him and about 9:00 wouldn't you know that he asks around the department my whereabouts and corners me in the copy room. He such a good guy! He plainly asks me if I would do the interview and just represent his office in general. OMG! How could I say "no"? I did tell him I'd let him know at the end of the day BUT I have decided and I am gonna do it. I'm not sure how much I can help another individual but what I do know and I gave it alot of thought last night and today, MY surgery is like a tattoo, people get a tattoo for symbolism. They get a tattoo to make a statement and a tattoo is meant to be seen and not hidden. My surgery is my tattoo, its obvious that my body and appearance is changing. I'm going to get looks by everyone and I should be proud that I'm doing something good for me, something that makes me proud to have done, proud to be looked at other than as the chubby girl with a pretty smile. I'm truly honored that I was one of the patients he chose to be interviewed and displayed. Maybe GOD picked me so I can be comfortable with who I am rather than who I'm used to being. Its time to come out of my cocoon and let my wings be seen.

I'll keep you posted on the whole interview/recording journey. Wish me luck, IM GONNA NEED IT! YIKES!!!

November 27th...

So I've been meaning to blog but have been busy at work and I rarely get on the laptop at home. Im on the computer at work all day long that when Im home, a computer is the furthest from my mind.

Where shall I begin? I'll try not to make it long, I'll try to just blog what's been on my mind. Let's start with Thanksgiving. I didnt cook, I was supposed to go to my nieces house but didnt go because my loving husband didnt feel like going or doing anything. Thanksgiving thou he made sure to take his happy ass to his mom's house. I tried to get my mom to go to his mom's house so we could have something to do but she refused. I went to his mom's house for about an hour and then left. I came home and worked on some jewelery and watched some tv in a peace and quiet environment. Your now probably asking yourself if I ate anything. OF COURSE! I ate tablespoon portions of food. I had ham (protein), I had brocolli salad (cheesy and the sweet kind) and I tried to eat stuff shells but that didnt go so well so I left that on my plate. I had a slice of jello and a small portion of a banana split sundae cake. Im still feeling the guilt of eating the non-healthy helpings, whether they be small or not, they were still unhealthy.

I've noticed that when I eat, I get an uneasy feeling if I eat and drink at the same time. Yes I know Im supposed to drink 30 minutes before eating and then drink liquids 30 minutes after eating but because Im so used to doing both at the same time, it does have his disadvantages now, especially the "airpocket" feeling that happens everytime I do this. I also noticed that when Im getting full or my sleeve is nearing fullness, I will start to burp and that's my sign to STOP! Im cool with that!

I wont have a doctors appointment until February so thats a pretty long time not to be weighed. I dont feel any skinnier nor do I look any skinner. Im praying that by February I'll have lost some more. I've taken some pictures here and there with friends BUT I have become a little bit saddened by them. I still see the chubby girl, I still see my rolls thru my blouses or shirts and it makes me sad. Times like this is where I start regretting my surgery and wished I had gotten the gastric bypass rather than the sleeve. I desperately want to see the weight shed off like water instead of trickeling off me. My oldest daughter told me last night that I look anorexic. How funny is that?!? I wish! Its sad that I truly am telling the truth when I say "I wish". I was getting a haircut over the weekend and was telling the stylist about my surgery. Naturally they say what everyone else says "you werent fat" and blah blah blah. One stylist actually stated that she was trying to "gain weight" and she eats everything under the sun and cant gain squat! I swear, if one never speaks of anything, the other person would never know of their own personal battles. They were shocked to even hear that I want to weigh 125 (my start weight was 225). I see nothing wrong with this weight. My surgeon actually wants me at 150 and that's fat in my eyes. Its just my opinion for me and not for someone else going thru the same thing. What I see in the mirror will always be different what someone else sees of me and of themselves.  After all it is America and we are entitled to our opinions good or bad. This is what I want to weigh, this weight would make me happy, bones popping out everywhere on my body would make me happy. Its my honest opinion why would I say something someone wants to hear if it wasnt true.

Before ending this blog, I have two brighter notes to share...first, I was helping out at a church bazaar this past Sunday, I bought a pair of tights. The tight size was Medium/Tall (150-190 pounds) I liked them so much and I bought them even when my inner-voice was telling me that they were going to be small. Im glad to say that this morning I tried them on (while praying outloud "please fit, please fit" and even went as far as pulling out the plus size tights in case they didnt) and guess what! They indeed did fit! Im pretty happy about that. I know its silly but being fat/chubby really takes a toll on me and trying clothes on was always going to determine how my day was going to be, a good or a bad day. Know what I mean? You try something on and its snug so you go to your closet for something much more loose fitting. Meanwhile I would get bummed out if I had to return to my closet and get something bigger. Or be sad that it didnt fit and it only made me realize that I was indeed fat. Ugh, I tell ya, my mind is my worse enemy. 

Secondly, one of besties will be having her lapband surgery on December 3rd. She started her liquid diet on November 19th and shes doing real good even thru turkey day. If anyone is going to have success in this weight loss surgery its going to be her! I cant wait to start seeing her before and after pictures and hopefully she'll start blogging her experiences. She has many friends whom have had the lap band surgery and getting support is gonna be readily available for her.

Welp, thats all for now. Hope you have a great afternoon and week! :)

November 14th...

So the magic number for today is 176!!! I had my follow up appointments with my dietician, bariatric doctor, and the pysch doctor. All went well I am pleased to say! I always have anxiety when I walk thru the doors headed to the examination room and we make a sudden pitt stop at the dreaded scale. I walk towards it and pray that it doesnt make me cry. I take my shoes off and place one foot at a time. The scale blinks "weighing, weighing, weighing and BOOM! the numbers appear!" I swear it seems like hours for that damn number to appear! I seen that number and I smile ear to ear! The last time I was 176 was in 2007. I have fear of gaining or worse yet, not losing. I still have instilled in my head that I should be losing 10 pounds each month. I wont have another follow-up until February. That's 30 pounds that I will need to lose before February. Its scary!!! Its scary in all aspects of that word "LOSE". Just the thought that I havent been 176 since 2007 and then gained it all back, thats a fear. I guess in general, Im scared that I wont loose yet gain. Its a mind thing! Why cant I just be focused on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative and the what-ifs?!? Ugh, its a daily struggle, me and my fear. I hope it gets better. What makes it hard is that I cant turn to someone and ask them what their expereinces are. I have chewy's sister that is going the through the lap band experience but we're not that close to have daily conversations and discussions about weight loss. I look on the internet for video blogs or blogs in general about weight loss. I'll just have to keep motiviated and work on my inner demons.

So, lets see, the discussion with my pysch doctor was pretty interesting. I explained to her that I have anxiety coming to my appointments and getting on the scale. She states that its perfectly normal. I stated that I had anxiety getting rid of my clothes. She states that its perfectly normal. She also went to say that patients that have been over weight are so used to a certain lifestyle, the chubby lifestyle, that when we change/transform it's hard for us to accostume to it. Meaning, we're so used to doing or being chubby that we sometimes get scared to doing or being skinny. My axiety of getting rid of my clothes and the way I felt, you know fear of not losing weight and then not having any clothes that fit was my way of trying to stick to my chubby way of thinking. And its so true. The other day I was in a store, just browsing, and I looked at a blouse, and I automatically looked to see if they had my size, I looked for a 1x. Its habit! I am so used to looking for my size, 1x, x-large, etc that I didnt even think to look for a large or even think of trying it on. My mind is so programmed to be a 1x or x-large! This losing weight and eventually when I go shopping is something that I will have to train my mind to get used to. I am no longer going to be a full figured woman. I am actually going to be a skinny girl who is going to be able to go shop in the slender deparmtent of a store, able to pick up a blouse and look at it and say "yes, this is going to fit me" and not look for the biggest size available in that style. It sounds weird even typing it right now. Just this morning someone gave me a pair of size 12 jeans. Automatically my chubby inner voice started talking and said "oh, thanks but thats not gonna fit me". I didnt even try it on, yet I knew automatically that it wasn't gonna fit me! See how the mind works? My inner voice even told me that Im gonna cry when I try them on. I swear my mind is my own worse enemy. As I sit here typing this, I'm like having this discussion in my head "so what if they dont fit when you try them on, your going to continue losing weight and maybe when you try them on again, they too will also be too big". I have to continue to fight with my inner demon and I have to believe that I will be on top as the victor!

My discussion with the bariatric doctor was good. She is going to continue monitoring my blood levels, eventually take me off the cholesterol medication. I have blood tests due next month, first week of December and we'll see how that goes.

My discussion with Ashley, my dietcian, geesh where shall I start. It was a good discussion dont get me wrong but she was upset that my intake if that dreaded word "water" was not a major part of my lifestyle. I have to drink 64oz of water daily, Im lucky if I get 20oz of water on a daily basis. She explained the importance of water intake and the importance of protein. She stated protein helps with the hair loss and it fights fatique througout the day. Always start your food intake with protein before any meal and it will help with your metabolism. She stated that I have to have 150 hours of excercise. So thats 30 minutes or more of any type of excercise. OMG! How easy is that! Walking, running, biking, dancing, etc! Oh and lets not forget my need to throw up if a food gets lodged. Both the pysch doctor and Ashley were concerened about that. They want to keep monitoring that...fear of becoming dependent on the need to purge if lodging happens, fear of my body becoming dependent on that sensation, and of course fear of me becoming bulemic. HA! That right there, that word "BULEMIC" is funny. Me bulemic? I wanted to tell them both, "have you seen my ass?" HA! Bulemic-schemic! I could only be so lucky! LOL. In all seriousness, I understand where they are coming from and I respect that. Ashley also stated that I can introduce lean cuisines or weight watchers entres to my diet. Since Im having issues with bread and rice products, I should stay clear of those of course. So that pretty much was my dietician encounter.

I swear, I start writing my blog and I have all these thoughts in my head YET when I start blogging, I have all these interuptions along the way (since Im at work) and then before I know it all my thoughts have disappeared. I guess I got the most importants thoughts out and Im sure as Im doing something or making copies, my other thoughts will appear. I'll determine if they are important enough that they need to be blogged.

Ta'ta for now! :)

November 5th...

Okay so I'm a day early posting a blog but Monday's I'm usually alone in the office where I don't have to worry about people looking at my computer screen wondering what I'm doing, especially since its not work related.

My weekend was pretty nice. I did a 5K of the sort on Saturday. It was "Uno-Dia de Los Muertos 5K" and I walked it. Maybe next year I'll be able to run it rather than walk it. It started at 8:oo in the morning and there was so many people there. This was my first year doing it and let me tell ya, the atmosphere, the people, the music, was all so awesome. The "vibe" was so vibrant! I finished the race at 1:09, so yes, it took me an hour to do 3 miles. Hey! I finished it, that's all that matters!

As for me in general, I'm still having issues with my daughters, right now it's Vero who seems to be the rebellious one testing my strength. I was hurt to see that she got a tattoo on her hip, I seen it at a glance and when I questioned her, she would not let me see it and we got into another argument/confrontation. None of these girls seem to comprehend that we are not equal and them raising their voices or even making a suggestion that they are gonna hit me will not be tolerated and WILL trigger my inner defense AUTOMATICALLY! They may not love me, may not respect me, BUT I will remind them I am not one to be disrespected and if they wanna learn the hard way, then I'll be more than happy to accommodate. She hasn't been home since Friday. I'm guessing that the dumbass put her loser boyfriends name on her body. My husband tells me to let them do what they gotta do and learn the hard way. As easy as it is for him to say that, its still very hard to turn the other cheek because as I mom I believe that I have to try and prevent any and all harm from them. So I guess enough about the people that get me down on a daily basis.

I have my follow-up with my dietitian, psych, and bariatric doctor on November 13th. I weighed myself last week and I was at 181. I hope that I at least loose some more weight before my appointment with them. You will recall that October I was at 189. OH! I went thru my closet and got rid of alot of blouses, suits, and dresses that no longer fit. I'm still having anxiety of getting rid of my clothes because I still feel that "what if" I don't loose weight and have no clothes to put on. I tell ya, my mind messes with me a great deal!

Lastly, I am attaching 3 pictures, two are of my side and front view today (November 5th) and one is of the 5K race. Let me tell ya right now that I don't want to deceive you in my appearance. You see many people posing side ways or in dark clothing and I have alot of people tell me that I look good, that they can tell I have lost weight, etc BUT I see the same me. My front view picture really got me down today, I still look HuGe and I'm kinda bummed out about it today but I need to remind myself that it takes time and its not gonna happen over night. I'm just being honest, this is what I'm feeling right now, and my mind is my own worse enemy. Ever hear the beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder? My eyes see something totally different than what everyone else sees. :(
See ya soon!

November 5th-181 pounds