Abdominal Appt...

June 24st...
So, I had my 2nd plastic surgery appointment on Friday. You will recall that I went for a consultation in April. I worked until 1:00 and left for my appointment which was at 2:30. It started pouring rain as soon as I got into my car and then while en route to my destination, the surgeon's nurse gives me a call and states that he would be an hour late and if I wanted to cancel my appointment or keep it with in mind that he is in surgery and will be late getting to clinic. I was already more than half way there so I told her I'd keep my appointment. I had time to kill now so I went window shopping to Old Navy. I was particularly looking for a bathing suit. I'm not one to try on things when I'm in a store but lately I find myself trying the stuff out. I picked some shorts out, bathing suits, and a few sun dresses. Shorts felt kinda weird. I'm picky about shorts. If I feel the seam going up the crack of my ass, or have the seam right there in my "cuca" then I'm not going to buy them. It seems that every single short I tried had this dilemma, so I nixed the shorts. Then comes the bathing suits. While the tops fit fine, the bottoms just weren't where I wanted them to lay. Plus I was looking for boy short bottoms and all they seemed to have was the bikini-type of bottoms. They also were not laying right on my ass. You'd see more of my crack with the way the bikini bottom was fitting. So yea, nixed the bathing suits as well. Lastly, I tried on a summer dress. I actually liked it, and what more I liked was that it was a "medium". I know it solely has to do with the material but to have a "medium" fit on my body, made me happy.

This is what I bought in a navy blue and green.

So off to my appointment. My doctor didn't arrive to see me until 4:30. Yep two hours late but it's not like I had anything to do either way. My patience I must admit has gotten pretty good. He came in, asked me what it was I wanted to do, if I'm where I want to be at blah, blah, blah. I stated that I'm at the weight my surgeon wants me at (152.4) but my goal weight given to me was 150. I still would like to loose 30 pounds and I'm GOING TO LOOSE 30 pounds! He states that I would have to take off 2 weeks with absolutely no lifting whatsoever. While my waiting for him, his nurse showed me before and after pictures of other patients. So two weeks, though I'm not happy about, it is what it is. I even looked up video's on YouTube so see before and after and what to expect as I waiting for his arrival. According to him and to the video's, I will be in alot of pain, mid section. Laying flat per the video's will be next to impossible because of the pain only because getting up from a laying position will hurt do to the muscle's contracting. I will definitely need help getting up and moving around. The surgeon then asked "when would you like to have this done"? Welp, I stated, "let's get the paperwork in that is needed, and if it goes from there, lets say the end of August". He said "OK". The appointment was pretty good BUT what really bothered me about the whole thing was that "he" would have to look at my mid-section again. Luckily, when I told him when I wanted surgery, he asked his nurse to "take pictures" to submit with my paperwork. The nurse would be the one to take pictures. Wheew! You'd think that was the end of it. NOPE! I took my clothes off except bra and chonies and took the patient gown off. She took pictures of my mid section frontal and side. This was very humiliating even if it was just a nurse taking pictures of this. The need to "suck in" my stomach is like second nature to me like breathing, I just do it. To let it "hang out" as the nurse instructed made it difficult for me to just do that. Embarrassment all over again. I cant even describe the humiliation. Yes they see this everyday all day but nonetheless, I'm a patient dealing with this and they have no clue what a patient feels. They are numb because its an everyday thing to them. Plus, in my room is that damn thing I hate to see every morning...a flippin mirror. Why a plastic surgery department has a mirror I just will never understand.

This is my view of the room I was in...

Cold, dreary, and of course I sat in the chair not near the mirror. The appointment was short and sweet. I guess I now play the waiting game and see when and if my surgery will happen. As I stated, I will be scheduled at the end of August is all goes well. It will be an outpatient procedure and I will be out for 2 weeks. The ride home was pretty smooth. I got home and sat on my couch and CRIED. My one twin and husband just looked at me and asked what's wrong. As I explained my embarrassment of taking the pictures (for insurance purposes) I really was humiliated about the whole thing. My husband didn't really say much, he said it was protocol and it's over with. My daughter however proceeded to say there was no reason why I should have it done, I'm skinny enough, and I'm gonna look sickly. I told her that she should be supportive in anything I do and not against me. She just didn't say anything after that. The weekend was pretty quiet, nothing really to brag about. The weather was hot and humid and who really wants to do anything that's going to make you sweat some more!

Welp, that's all for now, see ya in a few days with my 10-month blog weight status.

June 21st...

I haven't blogged in quite sometime, really dont have anything to share honestly. Work seems to be getting worse and worse and praying that the light at the end of the tunnel would soon make an appearance.

I started playing softball on May 23rd and it's been pretty fun, it always is really. I've been looking for a job within my facility as well as outside. It's just that bad now. I feel Im a little bit more stressed than I need to be, my wanting "food" seems to be greater because of the added stress. I do however have an appointment with the plastic surgeon tomorrow, to decide whether or not to have the excess skin removed from my abdominal area. Really the insurance has the final say so in the whole matter. Im keeping my fingers crossed that things go in my favor and I can have this outpatient procedure soon rather than later.

I will be posting on montly blog with a picture as routine BUT I came across this picture that was taken back in May 2012 BEFORE I decided to attend the bariactric seminar. I was sitting in the backyard playing with my dogs and was going to play a game on my husbands phone. This particular picture he has on his background and I asked him "why do you have this GOD awful picture as a background". He replied "what's wrong with it? I think its a beautiful picture, the best one of you I have ever had." Though the words he just expressed were actually one of the few words EVER expressed to me about me in general, this picture made me cry. Just looking at it, I feel that I still look that way. I tell you, a person's mind is their own worse enemy. We at least my mind is my worse enemy. I suppose it will continue to be until I can actually can appreciate what I look like in the mirror. Anyways, this picture was a rude awakening/flashback of how I DONT EVER WANT TO LOOK LIKE AGAIN!

Sorry, I cant figure out how to rotate the picture, grrr!

June 6th...

I haven't been able to post until now (June 11th). It's been pretty crazy. Work is terribly stressing me out, its so unorganized, two nurses finally were hired to replace the two that left but in the meantime of them getting trained, mentored or whatever you wanna call it, it's still a mad house here. Ive noticed that I'm trying to eat more and more with the stress that I'm feeling and it truly has me worried. I definitely don't want to gain weight, I find my mood worse the pass couple of weeks because of work and I find myself sad and "wanting" food! Something has to change or I feel like I'm going to be on a downward spiral feeling out of control.

To add to the stress, my delay in blogging was mainly due to work and also my brother had a heart attack on Saturday June 1st. I've been spending time with him before, during, and after work. He was finally discharged on June 8th. Seeing him laying there in bed took me back to the days when my father was in and out of the hospital and eventually died in the hospital. I swear all these emotions are going thru me that all I want to do it eat to console myself. He's doing better, he'll be off work for the next 3 weeks. His current situation at home, him being the only sole provider for his home really has him feeling like he's drowning. It makes me mad that the poor excuse of a "girlfriend" doesn't step up and help in some form or another. Him verbally telling me all his problems makes me real sad that I wish I could just snap my fingers and everything with everyone that I love just gets fixed. That would be great if I was in an episode of "bewitch" but the reality of it all is that I'm not on tv and my snapping of the fingers just ain't gonna work. :(

On a brighter note, my great nephew Tylor graduated high school. That's such a huge accomplishment for any "Becerra" family member and it seems that we have finally broken the expectations of back in the day where not one family member finished school. Very proud of him. My sister-in-law Jan also surprised us all on Saturday June 8th with a surprise visit from Florida. We were all in shock to see her! Sunday dinner was served like old times and it was a day where I actually felt like a family. It's a feeling indescribable.

I really don't have much to blog. I've been pretty stressed and hoping things get better here. I'm going to start looking elsewhere for a job internally and externally. I've been feeling real sad and am trying my hardest to fight it.

Lastly, I did weigh myself and if anything I gained half a pound. I'm at 154.8. That saddens me even more. :( Here's my recent picture for June.

Thats all for now. Bye.