Overwhelmed Today

Okay I'm kinda psyching myself out since actually the surgery. Yesterday and today have been pretty bad with the whole psyching myself out but I feel the following:

 

1) I hope this surgery really works and makes me loose weight

2) Feel afraid to even eat for fear of not losing weight or even gaining the weight back that I have already lost?

 

When I was in the hospital, I went thru this faze of worrying that the surgery will not be a success and Im destined to be fat. When I got out of the hospital then the faze and still continues to be worrisome to me is what to eat for fear of gaining weight. Majority of the foods make me sick and I wind up throwing it up which gives me some "relief". This make sense? Ive been introducing foods to my diet. I cant eat chinese rice, pork, very little chicken, and beef in small amounts. Apple juice, orange juice, hell any kind of juice gives me a queezy feeling and makes me wanna throw up. I feel like I'm hungry, I eat a certain amount, I wanna say about a half cup of food still and then if the food doesnt argree with me I throw up and feel relief but then hunger again. Its so frustrating.

 

I dunno, maybe its just all in my head BUT I am really worried that this surgery is not gonna work. Why I feel that way, perhaps because the weight is not coming off fast enough for me. I look in the mirror and see "me" and not who I want to see. Ugh...sorry for venting just feeling a lil overwhelmed lately. Must be the "blue moon" phase messing with my mind. :(

Night before Surgery

HI! I managed to actually get the laptop fully charged for me to write down whats been going on since Thursday. Lets get down to it.

I had my dietician appointment on Friday. Ashely (my dietician) sat with me and basically explained to me once more what the menu will be for me after surgery. So basically, you know the caps that come with the Nyquil bottle or any cough medicine? I will be eating out of that cup. Ashely states it's equivelent to 1 ounce which I will have to drink from for the next two weeks. After two weeks I move onto smooshy foods, baby foods, puree foods. Im fine with it. This liquid diet for the past week was okay, I got used to it diarrhea and all. Im thinking that me getting used to this liquid diet this week benefitted me for the weeks to come, I'll  be used to it, it wont be like it was dropped on me as a surprise.

I had my preadmission testing right after my dietician appointment. They took blood, urine, my weight and I met with the anesthesiologist. Basic questions, am I allergic to anything, how do I do under anestheia, etc. This is me, my night before surgery. If and Im praying that I will see a significant change in my weight, I will continue to post a picture library as well to go along with my posts. Trust and believe that it was very hard for me to put that tank top on let alone wear white shorts. I NEVER WEAR either one of them. Im usually in some sort of dark appearal of the sort. You know to hide the love handles and love pockets (cellulite) I have througout my body.

August 5th, 210 pounds

My Saturday was pretty quiet, didnt really do much. Did some chores around the house. You know a housewives chores are never done. Sunday was pretty much the same. I did laundry and made jewlery the majority of the morning-mid afternoon. I made 4 necklaces and tried my hand at a memory wire bracelet. I dont think they came out bad. I'll eventually will post jewlery pictures once I feel more confident in my work.

Im pretty sure your wondering what my family says about this now that the surgery is a day away. Welp, I still have not told my daughters nor will I tell them. They are so wrapped up in their own world, I dont fit in it. I dont think I ever will at this moment in time. I fought with one of my twins last night. She seems to think that being 19 gives her the right to stay out all night and not come home if she doesnt want to. She doesnt seem to think either to notify anyone of her whereabouts. So of course me being the "overprotected stalker mom" went off on her. Needless to say, shes not speaking to me today. My other twin went out. She asked about my hospital stay but that was about it. Shes in her own world as well. My oldest, I asked her last week if she would take me to the hospital and I didnt get a reply until this morning. Actually it wasnt a reply it was more "hey do you still need a ride to the hospital tomorrow". So since her delay in replying to me last week I found alternative solutions. My husband will be taking me and dropping me off. He cant take the time off from work. Whatever. My mom will be with me and then I will have arrange to have her picked up from the hospital once my surgery is over and Im in a patient room. My mom has a pace maker so I dont want her upset in any way. Plus she doesnt support my decision in having this surgery done. I just know that I dont want to burden anyone. Like I said, I'm a loner and pretty much used to being alone and doing things alone. All I know is that only one person said "I love you" and that was my one twin. What a way to die (if I die, one has no guarantee in life). So there ya have it pertaining to my loving supporative family. :(

One of my besties Rita phoned me, which was nice of her. Checking up on me, making sure Im ready for this. My niece also phoned me with the same questions. Good conversation always helps my lonely soul. Its good to laugh, they say it burns calories! lol.

My stay at the hospital will be 2-3 days. So this will definitely be my last post.

C'ya on Wednesday! (God willing)

Howdy! Today is Thursday, August 2nd and Wednesday was an uneventful nite. The family had left overs so it was a good thing that I didnt have to spend time in the kitchen which is now in my eyes the "enemy". This morning I prepared a crock-pot chicken soup so I can avoid the kitchen once again today. That soup is gonna smell so good when I get home. We usually eat soup with bread and butter and boy am I gonna be bummed out about that one as well! I put lots of carrots, half an onion, green squash, cilantro, potatoes and spices. YUMMMO! Too bad I cant even have that!

I did however have a slip-up of the sort. I swear, I love food! Who doesnt! I usually have my protein shake around 7'ish so Im not starving by the time I go to bed. I have to admit that I had a damn cracker, just 1 saltine cracker which I nibbled on like if I was on a deserted island. I had it with my protein shake. I felt horrible afterwards. Not to mention that these damn shakes make my tummy rumble, make me real gasey, and what I think may be a fart is actually a need to go to the bathroom. Many close calls last night! Eewww yea I know but Im keeping it real!

I spoke to one of my besties Rita, she told me about two other mutual friends who underwent a total bypass and the other one had the lap band. Both success stories, both had expereinces with food differently. Rita always makes me laugh, she accepts me and knows how much I love my food! lol. Its always good to hear from her.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the dietician, Ashley, shes really cool and knows her stuff! After that appointment, I have pre-admission testing at the main hospital. After that, its a 3-day count down to Monday. I think my surgery is scheduled for 7:30 in the morning which most likely will mean that I will have to be at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning. Not nervous yet, still very much excited. I have been trying to find videos on youtube of people experiencing bariactric surgery. I flip thru channels on tv to see if I see stories of people losing weight. I guess I just want to know what they went thru, how they felt, their outcome, etc.

I dont believe I will be blogging after this. My next entry will most likely be after surgery to let you know the events of that day, how I feel, and if most importantly, if Im still hungry! lol

C'ya soon!

P.s. As I read this before posting, I do have a fear...its not surgery, my fear is my food intake after surgery. A year from now and sofourth, I dont want to overeat, I want to be skinny. I dont want to have a "slip-up" like I did with 1 cracker. Not sure if you understand what I mean, but this is the only way I can explain it. I dont want to want food like I do right now with this liquid diet. Im gonna be scared of food, fear that it will make me fat again. Make sense? I dunno, this is what's spinning a web in my head right now. :(

Tuesday Night...

I just wanted to share that Tuesday night was ROUGH! I made skirt steak sandwiches for dinner for the family and I felt a moment of weakness creeping up. I wanted to have a bite of the steak, make a mini sandwich for myself or just SUCK THE JUICE OFF THE MEAT kinda moment! I made dinner rather quickly, trying to occupy my mind with other things, such as washing dishes, finish cooking the steaks, and serving my husband and twins before they went to work. I was sitting down later on in the evening and while flipping thru channels came to realize that I'm like in "rehab", rehab from food! UGH!

I was a good girl, I avoided all temptation and pray that it gets better in time. The cravings that is! The carnation instant breakfast is not bad at all, truly its not, but it does make my stomach gurgle, I do have the runs more often now :(. Jello helps trick my mouth as to it thinking that Im chewing something.

I recieved a call last Tuesday afternoon from the Pre-admissions department. I now will have a dietician appointment at 8:30 on Friday and Pre-admission testing at 10:30 that same day. Five more days for surgery and the beginning of a brand new me! YAY!