November 12th, 2013

Its been awhile since my last blog. I suppose I need to blog now sinc things I can't seem to hold in much more. Here are a few things:

1) weight is at 158. Stresful eating has taken a toll on me.
2) joined a new gym because they are open at 5 in the morning and it works perfectly for me.
3) got a new job, demotion but I am lesz stressed,  the eating will stop and I work with two ladies that are awesome.
4) I met with a "medium" who really didn't convince me to be authentic. I think she has a gift but just not in tuned with her gift just quite yet.
5) my sister-in-law has moved back from Florida!
6) I ran my 2nd 5k in 37:11 time. 
7) took my first Metra train ride
8) I've been making macrame bracelets.
9) you recall that earlier this year I lost my dog smokey. I got a puppy by the name of Frankie and then I got a puppy named Charlie. I had to give Charlie away because she demanded big time attention which I could not give 24/7. I'm sad to say that I have now lost Frankie due to a rare blood disorder.

It's killing me inside. I am actually mad at God for taking her for me. Questioning why would he do that to me, to take her so young (1 year old). Am I such a bad person that he feels the need to make me sad? Why couldn't I be rich to say "money is no object save my dog" yet I was unable to have the funds to save her. I even questioned if I was being hexed. My friend nadine told me that I shouldn't be mad at God and that he took Frankie be cause she took the place of a loved  one. Animals love unconditionally and she saved a life. I'm not sure what the reason is but if that's the case it still doesn't help the emptiness I feel now that she's gone. I want to say that I feel as if I had a miscarriage.  They are there one minute and the next they are not and its completely out of your hands. That's life whether we like it or not. 

As you can see, its been a challenging year if you have read my earlier posts. I'm praying things just get better and brighter.

I'm adding some pictures of my  mentions above:

August 6th...

Welp its finally here! MY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my sleeve gastrectomy!!! It feels like it was just yesterday coming back from my lunch after attending the free seminar here at the hospital. Getting calls to start the patient process and the tests needed to get the ball rolling. This one year has been very emotional. Not sure if I have a chemical imbalance, emotional because Im just an emotional person, or emotional because I'm still changing in appearance.

This year has shown me so many things that I never thought of until I had my surgery. I have seen my body change, my view on things change, people change, eating habits change, and view of food change just to name of few.  What I know for certain is:

1. My frame of mind/thinking still needs to catch up with my weight/body transformation.
2. My mind still/remains my worse enemy.
3. My stress levels are at its highest and I am seeing the  effects of it and its not good.
4. People change, including me and I'll just have to accept it, its totally out of my hands.
5. Trying to be positive/view the glass half full rather than half empty is a continous daily challenge that I have to work at really hard.
6. Thou the surgery has cleared up health-related issues, (cardiac, diabetes, blood pressure), I believe that I still need some "mental" help because in reality I just cant/dont have all the answers and perhaps voicing them out to a professional can help me concept why it is the way I think.
7. Bloggin has helped me a great deal.
8. I just noticed that #'s 1, 2, 5, 6 are all related to the "mind" and like an alcholic, admitting to the problem is the first step to recovery.

Im kinda feeling sad today actually. I have been fluctating weight since February and it has been bumming me out. I have been 150-155 for the longest. The pictures I am about to post were truly at the weight stated. This morning however, my montly weight post is 155.4. I have gained and I want to say it truly is because I am very stressed. It's not even with home, it's actually work. I feel like Im going crazy for blaming work/stress but I truly am an emotional eater. I even go shopping when Im stressed and then experience the guilt for spending (money I surely don't have so I charge it) and eat some more. Work is just draining me mentally and I find myself wanting to eat everything in sight. Then guilt for even feeling the need to eat. This morning I went to Meier's to get my salads, yogurts,  and even looked at the Carnation instant breakfasts to quit eating all in general. I know that its not normal nor healthy to even think that way BUT Im being honest. I feel very discouraged, very defeated, and just overall just SAD. 

I still pretty much keep things to myself and don't discuss what I'm feeling or going through with my friends. I just feel that discussing things will just bring them down and I don't want that.

Well, this is supposed to be a happy blog, afterall it is my one year anniversary. Here are some pictures that I had taken late July and August to share, enjoy (especially this morning's coffee face):

July 26th - Univision Interview

So I had my interview with "Univision". The whole process was just crazy/funny/overwhelming...all in that order!

I went to the Bariatric Center in Melrose Park and the reporter and her camera man were about an hour late. I left work early for nothing. Actually they were so late that the surgeon, Dr. Chand wasnt even interviewed. The only one's interview were myself, Yvette the nurse coordinator (she's such an awesome person inside and out) and this new psychologist Dr. Wool. I met her for the first time today.

When the news reporter (Gladys) got there, she started setting up, asking questions here and there and  we began taping. My Spanish was horrific and is showed but it is what it is! She was very kind and perfessional and overall I think she made the experience very calm? Is that the word I want to use? I dunno, all I know is that I was super-duper nervous and sweating bullets! To be in a "SURE" commercial was completely outta the question!!!

I recieved a few texts here and there during the news presentation and it was hilarious. It made me smile because they all had positive feedback, even my mom said something nice about me. With that being said, here is the video for that day as well as a picture with Gladys the report. Enjoy!

July 23rd...

My last blog I think was at the begging of July, my weight and whatnot. Not much as been exciting enough to "blog home about" but just a few notes reflecting towards the beginning of July. July 12th my girls went to the Bon Jovi Concert. I gave them that present for their birthdays. I think they had fun, what do you think?

I had my follow-up testing done on Saturday 20th. You will recall that I had a mammogram which showed some abnormalities. These abnormalities were found to be numerous cysts. I suppose that is normal because they were not concerned with it. They however were concerned with a not-so-cystic-looking mass on my left breast. You guessed it, additional tests need to be done. That would take place Monday, July 22nd. You recall that the whole mammogram process was very humiliating for me. Today was no exception to the rule. The same nurses assisted me with my "boob" and then it gets interesting, not only would my "FNA=fine needle aspiration" would take place by a male doctor, two first year residents would be also checking out the "boob". I was crying when the nurse told me that "Dr. Cooper" would be doing the procedure and after I asked if it was a lady, she confirmed to me that Dr. Cooper is a man. Yep, started crying! This 15-minute procedure winded up being 2 1/2 hours. The probing, the touching, the force that one endures these procedures, in one word "frightening". I know have a clear bandage of the sort, bloody, very tender, and just not what I expected in having my very first mammogram. I am bleeding through my bandaid, I am sore and very tender.  I don't even think I'm scared of the outcome. I don't have an ill feeling in the pit of my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I am thinking about it but I have always said that my death would come in the form of cancer. I don't know why I feel that, I just always have. I have thought of the "what if" it is cancer and I'm okay with it. I say that right now and I'm assuming that I'll be more passionate about it in thought later if positive. I have thought of the whole mastectomy procedure, chemo/radiation, and anything else that cancer involves. I have also thought about declining treatment. I dunno, just a thought that ran through my head. I guess Friday I will find out my results. God is playing 50/50 with me, a game that I don't know the rules of.

My daughter Veronica had an interview on July 22nd as well. I suppose things went well. She didn't wait around for me after her interview. I went to have my procedure while she went on her interview. Naturally I didn't tell her of the procedure. No one knows. She only knows that I have cysts nothing else. I'm not sure if I mentioned I got a puppy 2 weeks ago. As fast as I got her as fast as I had to let her go. No one in the house wanted to help me out with her while I was at work and it was truly unfair to the puppy if I yelled at her for her wrong doings. Naturally all three of my lovely children had such nice things to say to me. "Your ignorant, your pathetic, your selfish, your this and your that". Never did I ever receive such mental abuse at one time. Needless to say, they are not talking to me now. I winded up giving Charlie to my brother. I whole-heartily believe that he was meant for him. The day I got her and took her to see him, he fell in love with her. He told me a German Shepard would be his next dog if he had the money. In earlier posts, I said God works things a certain way for us and Charlie was meant for my brother. I broke my heart to make the decision and I cried as I walked away but I'm happy to know that he will take care of her and I can see her anytime I want. Today's my husband's birthday and I'm praying that they don't ruin his day only because that means I'll be more stressed.

I spoke to my insurance rep last week, July 25th and they stated that the approval letter was en route to my physician's office. Plastic physician that is. I contacted the office and they stated that they cannot do anything until that letter is received. So yay!!! I'm gonna have my tummy surgery! I'm gearing towards the 3rd week of August. I've even thought of having a mastectomy at that time by the same surgeon (if I need one). Told ya I've been preparing myself for worse news. Force of habit I suppose.

Lastly, I will be interviewing with "UNIVISION" under the medical segment and that will take place on Friday, July 26th. I believe they will show the segment that evening on the 10 o'clock news. I'm nervous but I honestly just feel numb. I have so many emotions going on, one minute I'm crying the next I'm smiling, and the next I'm just blah. It's been very hard to not snap on someone and even harder trying not to put things in my mouth to eat in the form of comfort.

I guess that's all for now. :(

July 9th...

I'm three days late in blogging and I suppose it's because I've had a lot going on this past week. I even woke up late today. It seems that once you reach 25 years of age, the days seem to fly by and at some point in life, you don't even know what day of the week it is anymore. At least that's how I have been feeling.

I was off the first week of July. God plays a major part in one's life. By this I mean, yes I know God is everywhere at all times but I am truly starting to see what people mean that God has plans for us. Last week I was off. I planned to be off with my husband and just vegg at home, catch up on some much needed tanning, maybe even go to a water park or just a mini getaway. What wind up happening was me being off and spending majority of my time at the hospital with my twin Veronica. She had been experiencing some eye pain, swelling, sensitivity to light and just miserable. I took her to the immediate care where they gave her some drops and if pain persisted then we'd meet with her PCP. The following day, she was in extreme amount of pain and she was overbooked in a clinic. So immediate care was on June 27th, overbook appointment on 28th. As the day progressed on Friday, her symptoms seemed to get worse. Blurred vision was the main concern. I called the physician answering service and I managed to get an appointment on Monday, July 1st. More drops were given, and a follow-up was scheduled for Tuesday as well as blood work. Tuesday's appointment gave us the diagnosis of Uveitis. It seems that her WBC (white blood count) were working overdrive, collection behind the eye causing the pain and blurred vision. WBC usually fight off infection but where the infection was is to be determined. I still have to bring her in for a follow-up on Thursday, July 11th. She is feeling much better (thank God) and the drops she was given were steroid drops. The redness, swelling, and even the pain has been better. Blurred vision she has a little bit of and I pray that it gets better as well. I really didn't get to do much of anything during my time off but take her to her appointments. The weather wasn't the best, rain most part of the week. I was able to get some sun on the 4th and some on the weekend. I came back to work on Monday, July 8th only to find out that I was scheduled off. This is what I mean that the days just fly by and I have no clue what day it is let alone where I'm supposed to be. The week I took off I truly believe God intended for me because I did not interfere with anyone at work for coverage and I was able to come and go as I pleased without rushing. Also, I was able to take my oldest Bianca for her follow-up visit on Wednesday, July 3rd which she is now out of the cast and out of her boot. Friday, July 5th I had a yearly follow-up for my well-being which included a mammogram. I NEVER had a mammogram so this was a pretty interesting day for me. To be felt up, maneuvered, and humiliated, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I did however receive a letter in the mail yesterday stating that I would have to have additional imaging done because something was seen. What was seen who knows, I did leave a message for my doctor to call me and tell me just what was seen and what other test I now need to do. I'll keep ya posted on that.

Finally, since I had my annual follow-up (July 5th), they did weigh me, and the magic number is 151.2. I swear my plateau is getting the best of me and makes me quite sad. I also called the plastic surgery department, you will recall that my appointment was on June 21st. I called to follow-up on the insurance status and the nurse stated that they submitted my paperwork on July 3rd. Two weeks after my initial appointment and they submitted my paperwork on July 3rd. I was upset about it but it is what it is. If all goes well, I will be having my abdominal area worked on the last week of August and be out for two weeks. I also received a reminder in the e-mail that my interview with Univision Television is set for July 16th and it will be shown that night on the 10 o'clock news. I'm pretty excited about that and wondering just what color I'll wear. I'm trying to stay away from Black because of course you know that black hides everything. I have found myself buying colors (from the second-hand store of course) and steering away from black. I want to be true to the people who see me daily, I want them to see my weight loss, I'm not hiding myself or my clearly seen body flaws and that's what I want to show America as well. I hope this makes sense because what I'm thinking makes sense. If there is a video of this, then I'll post it. Wish me luck!

I have attached my July picture and a summer picture. It seems that this year/summer, I have visited Mario's Italian ice more than past years and this picture I was actually to take one with all of us together.
See ya soon!




July 5th, 151 pounds




"Summer of Mario- 2013"



Abdominal Appt...

June 24st...
So, I had my 2nd plastic surgery appointment on Friday. You will recall that I went for a consultation in April. I worked until 1:00 and left for my appointment which was at 2:30. It started pouring rain as soon as I got into my car and then while en route to my destination, the surgeon's nurse gives me a call and states that he would be an hour late and if I wanted to cancel my appointment or keep it with in mind that he is in surgery and will be late getting to clinic. I was already more than half way there so I told her I'd keep my appointment. I had time to kill now so I went window shopping to Old Navy. I was particularly looking for a bathing suit. I'm not one to try on things when I'm in a store but lately I find myself trying the stuff out. I picked some shorts out, bathing suits, and a few sun dresses. Shorts felt kinda weird. I'm picky about shorts. If I feel the seam going up the crack of my ass, or have the seam right there in my "cuca" then I'm not going to buy them. It seems that every single short I tried had this dilemma, so I nixed the shorts. Then comes the bathing suits. While the tops fit fine, the bottoms just weren't where I wanted them to lay. Plus I was looking for boy short bottoms and all they seemed to have was the bikini-type of bottoms. They also were not laying right on my ass. You'd see more of my crack with the way the bikini bottom was fitting. So yea, nixed the bathing suits as well. Lastly, I tried on a summer dress. I actually liked it, and what more I liked was that it was a "medium". I know it solely has to do with the material but to have a "medium" fit on my body, made me happy.

This is what I bought in a navy blue and green.

So off to my appointment. My doctor didn't arrive to see me until 4:30. Yep two hours late but it's not like I had anything to do either way. My patience I must admit has gotten pretty good. He came in, asked me what it was I wanted to do, if I'm where I want to be at blah, blah, blah. I stated that I'm at the weight my surgeon wants me at (152.4) but my goal weight given to me was 150. I still would like to loose 30 pounds and I'm GOING TO LOOSE 30 pounds! He states that I would have to take off 2 weeks with absolutely no lifting whatsoever. While my waiting for him, his nurse showed me before and after pictures of other patients. So two weeks, though I'm not happy about, it is what it is. I even looked up video's on YouTube so see before and after and what to expect as I waiting for his arrival. According to him and to the video's, I will be in alot of pain, mid section. Laying flat per the video's will be next to impossible because of the pain only because getting up from a laying position will hurt do to the muscle's contracting. I will definitely need help getting up and moving around. The surgeon then asked "when would you like to have this done"? Welp, I stated, "let's get the paperwork in that is needed, and if it goes from there, lets say the end of August". He said "OK". The appointment was pretty good BUT what really bothered me about the whole thing was that "he" would have to look at my mid-section again. Luckily, when I told him when I wanted surgery, he asked his nurse to "take pictures" to submit with my paperwork. The nurse would be the one to take pictures. Wheew! You'd think that was the end of it. NOPE! I took my clothes off except bra and chonies and took the patient gown off. She took pictures of my mid section frontal and side. This was very humiliating even if it was just a nurse taking pictures of this. The need to "suck in" my stomach is like second nature to me like breathing, I just do it. To let it "hang out" as the nurse instructed made it difficult for me to just do that. Embarrassment all over again. I cant even describe the humiliation. Yes they see this everyday all day but nonetheless, I'm a patient dealing with this and they have no clue what a patient feels. They are numb because its an everyday thing to them. Plus, in my room is that damn thing I hate to see every morning...a flippin mirror. Why a plastic surgery department has a mirror I just will never understand.

This is my view of the room I was in...

Cold, dreary, and of course I sat in the chair not near the mirror. The appointment was short and sweet. I guess I now play the waiting game and see when and if my surgery will happen. As I stated, I will be scheduled at the end of August is all goes well. It will be an outpatient procedure and I will be out for 2 weeks. The ride home was pretty smooth. I got home and sat on my couch and CRIED. My one twin and husband just looked at me and asked what's wrong. As I explained my embarrassment of taking the pictures (for insurance purposes) I really was humiliated about the whole thing. My husband didn't really say much, he said it was protocol and it's over with. My daughter however proceeded to say there was no reason why I should have it done, I'm skinny enough, and I'm gonna look sickly. I told her that she should be supportive in anything I do and not against me. She just didn't say anything after that. The weekend was pretty quiet, nothing really to brag about. The weather was hot and humid and who really wants to do anything that's going to make you sweat some more!

Welp, that's all for now, see ya in a few days with my 10-month blog weight status.

June 21st...

I haven't blogged in quite sometime, really dont have anything to share honestly. Work seems to be getting worse and worse and praying that the light at the end of the tunnel would soon make an appearance.

I started playing softball on May 23rd and it's been pretty fun, it always is really. I've been looking for a job within my facility as well as outside. It's just that bad now. I feel Im a little bit more stressed than I need to be, my wanting "food" seems to be greater because of the added stress. I do however have an appointment with the plastic surgeon tomorrow, to decide whether or not to have the excess skin removed from my abdominal area. Really the insurance has the final say so in the whole matter. Im keeping my fingers crossed that things go in my favor and I can have this outpatient procedure soon rather than later.

I will be posting on montly blog with a picture as routine BUT I came across this picture that was taken back in May 2012 BEFORE I decided to attend the bariactric seminar. I was sitting in the backyard playing with my dogs and was going to play a game on my husbands phone. This particular picture he has on his background and I asked him "why do you have this GOD awful picture as a background". He replied "what's wrong with it? I think its a beautiful picture, the best one of you I have ever had." Though the words he just expressed were actually one of the few words EVER expressed to me about me in general, this picture made me cry. Just looking at it, I feel that I still look that way. I tell you, a person's mind is their own worse enemy. We at least my mind is my worse enemy. I suppose it will continue to be until I can actually can appreciate what I look like in the mirror. Anyways, this picture was a rude awakening/flashback of how I DONT EVER WANT TO LOOK LIKE AGAIN!

Sorry, I cant figure out how to rotate the picture, grrr!