Weekend from hell...

Today's post, well today's post is a very sad one....yes more sadder than previous one's that I have posted. Today's post I've been thinking since Saturday night what I can possibly write to express what I feel.

My weekend (Friday) went off without a hitch. I picked up my grammar school friend Maga and my bestie Rita (Lola) and we were off on our merry way to the dude ranch that I spoke of. We chilled out Friday, hiked and rode horses Saturday morning and all was going good until I got an "unexpected" call from my Aunt Chuckie. She was wondering if my niece changed her mind and decided to accompany me to the dude ranch. I told her "no" she had made prior plans to go out with her friend Friday night for birthday celebrations. My aunt was looking for her because it was already 2:30 and had not heard from her. I told her to try different locations/people and that most likely she was sleeping still possibly with a hangover. That was the end of the call. Sometimes my niece would ignore my aunt's calls, she would state that her mother was always up her ass or just being nosey and I assumed that Michelle was possibly sleeping and/or ignoring her calls like in pass instances. I texted her after I hung up with my aunt and told her "call your mom, shes looking for you". Let me point out that reception at the location I was at is very bad. Calls are never going thru and texts are far and few in between to be sent or received. This is why I texted her rather than called her. I didn't get a reply back but I knew she would eventually call her mom.

Saturday morning for some reason I woke up feeling sad. Not sure why and I just brushed it off. We were all bullshitting having a good time, me trying to ignore the feeling that I woke up with and everyone around me oblivious to what I was feeling. I just figured that anxiety was trying to set in and I was fighting it.  An inner battle I constantly am dealing with. When I got the call from my aunt looking for Mishy, never in a million years did I ever think what was going to be told to me that evening.

After my conversation with my aunt I called my niece around 4. Melissa my niece told me that they all went to a bar called Juniors and then were going to go to a bar called Love and Music. She was with Michelle and the rest of their friends. The decision to go to the other bar was made and Melissa and her sister and some others would go in one car and Mishy left with the birthday girl and another girl. The other girl drove since Mishy and Sandra were intoxicated. Mishy never made it to the bar and Melissa figured that they blew them off and just went elsewhere or even just went home. When I called Melissa that night to see where Michelle was, she told me that Mishy was yet to be heard from and they went to all police stations, called all hospitals and tried almost everyone they knew that knew her. So naturally I told her to keep me posted.

The final call...the final call that I made was at 6:30 to get an update on the appearance of my niece Mishy. My niece was at the police station and she stated "Blanca its not good, Michelle is dead. Sandra and Michelle died early this morning in a car accident." I cant even explain what I felt, I felt like it was all a bad joke, I wanted to say "Michelle who because I know my Mishy is passed out somewhere suffering from a hangover".  All I heard were those words and then my niece crying uncontrollably. How I wish I was there to hold her, to be there just to see that it was all a lie.

Sunday came, the day we leave the ranch and I couldn't even sleep the night before. Trying to keep a smiling face and pretend everything is good is really hard to do when my thoughts were all consumed of my niece, the how did this all happen, questions that I couldn't get answers to. I laid down Saturday night and I think I slept for about 3 hours. I was up at 3:30am, packed my stuff, got ready for our departure on Sunday morning. The drive would be a long one 2 hours or so, but even longer in my head because I wanted to get to my nieces, my aunt char, and just get some answers, hugs, and just spend time with them. Of course leave it to mother nature to add to the dreary day, an ice storm was approaching us by noon. Thanking God, we missed the ice storm and I was home around 1:30. No one was home when I got home. My mother was preparing for a trip to Mexico on this day and my family took her to the store for last minute items. I called my niece and she was already home and my aunt was still at the police station inquiring about the accident, she went to the hospital to speak to the "survivor" of the accident who by now has said 3 different stories as to why she winded up in the hospital and then my aunt had to go identify the body at the morgue. I didn't get to see her at all on Sunday. I was so exhausted, with the driving and the emotion running thru my head/body, taking my mom to the airport at 10:00pm was a project. I felt so drained and when I got home from the airport and laid my head down, I was out for the night.

Monday, January 28th...I had an interview at 10:00 and I think it went pretty well, it lasted 2 hours. I had already asked for the day off just to relax before going to work. Never in a million years would've I known that this day was "intended" for other uses. Its funny how God works. I took Monday off to relax and the week prior (Thursday) I was asked to come in for an interview and I asked if I could do it Monday. "No Problem" they said. I thought to myself how awesome that it worked out. I took off and had time to go for the interview. How God worked this day for me to go to this interview and worked this day out to go spend time with my aunt, make funeral arrangements and go "clean" Mishy's house. Funny how God plans things without us knowing it. It is SO true when they say "God makes things happen for a reason".

I think this is enough for right now. My blog for the ranch, well you pretty much get the jist of it, the people around me, who I went with had an awesome time. I on the other hand, smiled but my heart was really not into it for the obvious reasons. I did take some pictures and I hope you like, but this blog is dedicated to my niece whom I will truly miss because she was the "life of the party" at every family function we had. Im gonna miss her calling or saying to me "Hi Myrtle". Im going to miss her smile, her laugh, her drunken stupors, and HER in general. RIP Michelle Rose Miranda, 9/7/75-1/26/13

RIP Michelle Rose Miranda 9/7/75 - 1/26/13

White Pines Ranch

P.S.  And January, this so-called New Year has yet to be a good one. :(

Virus' after Virus'

I have been trying to blog since last Friday BUT I come to find out that most of the computers in our department were infected by some sort of virus that prohibited us from viewing forms that we daily work on and even prevented us from logging onto the internet. Anyways, as you can see, I am up and running now and actually have a minute to blog before having people view over my shoulder onto my screen.

What has transpired since last week or I should say my last blog. Nothing new on the home front, its still remains the same. I've become addicted to going to the second hand store/good will and look for clothes that fit me decent. I went last night and it was bittersweet. I went looking for "jeans". I NEVER wear jeans just because Im too fat for them. Since losing weight from the surgery, the slacks I have bought fit me pretty decent. They are size 12's and I got brave and decided to go and see if I can get some jeans in the same size. I tried on 7 different jeans and a size 12 I am not :(. It did upset me, it did get me somewhat discouraged but I managed to fight off the negative thoughts and just told myself that I am still in transition and I will be the size I want and a jean size will be the lessor of my worries. I will be smaller than a size 12 and that's it! I did manage to find a real "cashmere" sweater for only 5 dollars and I thought that was such a steal! I had to have it. It's pink, its soft, and I never owned such a fine piece of material in my life, that simple sweater made me smile. I felt "special", like I deserved such a nice item. It made me almost forget that the jeans did not make me happy after trying them on. The sweater is a little snug and I have no qualms about that either because I'm in "transition" and eventually that "large" sweater will be baggy on me as well.

Last but not least, I received a call from our media relations representative Stasia and she stated that Pam Tucker of channel 2 wanted to interview me and Dr. Chand. That's still in the works, and Im sorry if I repeated it before in a prior blog so if I did please forgive. The video that I went to film in Gottlieb in December has been sent to all participating parties for approval of names and etc and I was able to view it. There will be two videos shown, one of the Bariatric Center itself and then one with Dr. Chand and I being interviewed. Im excited and scared all at once! LOL.

Oh and one more thing, I learned how to make a  scarf. It's those frilly scarfs that everyone wears nowadays. I learned in an hour and have made about 4. Very proud of myself. Im gonna continue making jewelery and now scarfs. Hey! It beats me sitting around stressed and trying to eat! That's all for now or that I can remember what's been going on lately.

OH ONE MORE THING! Im going to a dude ranch in Oregon, IL. It's a yearly thing done in January, its a bunch of ladies acting fools and whatnot and it's a good time. Im taking a grammar school girlfriend this year and Im praying she has a blast and does this yearly with me and my friends. Pictures to be posted soon!



My new addiction...Frilly Scarfs



Me and my fierce Red Frilly Scarf

Keep rolling with the punches...

HI, its Wednesday, January 16th, the 16th day of the new year and I dont see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. My daughter Veronica has yet to come home since December 31st, let me rephrase that, she has been home Im assuming to take a bath and get clothes but I have yet to see her. My other daughter Sandy is hardly ever home, and when she is home she doesnt really speak to me except to ask for household items or whatever.  Bianca my oldest daughter is still doing her own thing and I might see her maybe twice out of the week. My husband, routine, work, gets home, eats, goes to bed. Just me and the two little dogs keeping eachother company.

Two little sparkles that lit up my journey thru this dark tunnel I travel is:
1)  I found out today thru a friend that my picture was posted on the main website of my bariatric surgeons site. If you care to view it the link is www.loyolamedicine.com/bartiatrics, you will see my picture at the bottom of the main page.
2) I was called by the media relations representative Stacia that Dorothy Tucker of channel 2 news would like to interview Dr. Chand and me. Its the "new year" and like ever new year, millions of people jump on the band wagon to loose weight. The details would be made available to me once they get all calendars sorted. Im not an important person so when I say calendars, I mean phyisican and reporter.

Onto what's on my nogging right now, today...I sit and wonder all the time why is it that the people you love the most are the very first ones to hurt you? Whether it be children, significant others, or friends. Why is it that I give my all, my whole heart to those I love and they have no problem breaking it into pieces and not even all at once, little pieces at a time. Why is it that you tell someone that means the world to you that you love them with all your heart and they take it for granted and without blinking an eye can turn and walk away from you without skipping a beat? I lost another piece of my heart today because a dear friend whom I've know since I was 11 decided that walking away from me was the best thing to do rather than talk and work things out. I guess nothing really last forever, only in movies. I think about everything we've been thru, the talks we had, the smiles that I had on my face, the tranquillity and in a blink of an eye a text is sent that says "dont want to hurt you no more, and Im not making you happy, I'll be here if you want to text me, good nite". How can one just turn emotion "off". Please someone tell me, please show me because all this heartache, it sucks. I want to be the cold-hearted person and fuck the world! No emotion means no tears!

Then comes the stress oh and lets not forget to mention the hives/welts that I have on my body now due to stress. No benadryl in the house! Just my luck! The fear that I have on needing to eat because Im sad. The need to want to cut/hurt myself just to justify the pain that Im feeling right now. The fear suddenly pops in my head that I wont be skinny by the summer and that too will be taken from me. I swear that every other day I just wish I was dead, so I wouldnt have to feel pain, the anxiety, the tears shed, the lies told, the coldness felt and the disappointment gone. I have anger in me that people that I love with all my heart could hurt so and not even realize that the spark in my eyes are gone. Funny that only one person seen it and perhaps  because she see's me everyday. It's getting harder and harder to put up a front. I feel like this huge hypocrite because all I do is smile so no one can see my hurt. Why burden anyone with the shit Im going thru. Ive been dealing with alot alone for a long time, its what I know best. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought to start a blog to write down my every thought good or bad (majority bad). Perhaps God in some way made me blog so I can take everything out of my head and let it rest on the screen that I see. The day that I was told about Channel 2 possibility, I said "its a good day, God loves me today". I really felt that. I felt some type of hope, a little sparkle in my tunnel. I dont know what I have to do to see light and sunshine at the end of my tunnel but I hope "GOD" gives me the strength to see it, whatever it may be he has in store for me because its only the 16th day of the new year and I wish it was already over for me.

Next Friday, Im going to a dude ranch. Its a yearly thing where a bunch of ladies retreat for the weekend and just relax. Im looking forward to it, I need it. It seems that everytime time I go Im usually going thru something. I suppose I should learn from that because I still continue standing and living the best way I know how.

 

Well that's it for now. Im gonna go to sleep, its been a long day at work, my night got worse with a text and I just need to close my eyes and end the day. Pray that I can sleep, pray that my hives/welts go away, and pray that everything and everyone just get better in time.


http://youtu.be/ijZRCIrTgQc 

 

January 10th...

Morning,

It's Thursday, January 10th and the year has yet to start off with happiness. My one twin Vero left December 31 to go to work and then didnt return til a week later. Not one call, not one text, she simply didnt come home. She has decided that being with a loser boyfriend was more important than her dignity and pride. She's been home once acted like nothing was wrong or her actions needed to be addressed. Of course my husband wasn't going to say anything, he's "drama free" why bother being a supportive husband let alone a pissed off father at his child's attitude/actions. The other twin, Sandy, well she hasn't spoken to me since my last post of our falling out, whatever. They are young and they are set in their triffling ways. Thinking of them, thinking of all this just makes me sad. What else is new! I did however weigh myself and I am at 166.

Some more sad news. My dog Smokey had to be put down lastnight. He's 12 was going to be 13 in March. He was walking slower the pass 6 months. Even Lilly and Frankie would go by him as in to "check on him". His breathing was more and more difficult and going up and down the stairs was just too hard for him to do anymore and always needed assistance. His appetite wasn't even there anymore. His appetite actually seemed to decrease for the past 2 weeks. His eyes were sunken in, the sparkle not there anymore. I knew he was tired, I knew he didnt feel good. A pet lover, a real pet lover just knows when something is wrong. Yesterday morning I had such a hard time getting him to even get up to go outside for his morning pee break. After 20 minutes of getting him outside, to even get him up the stairs to sit on the porch was difficult. Had it been nicer outside, I would've just let him sit or lay outside but since it was brisk, I felt more comfortable knowing that at least he was on the porch. He loved the cold weather, his coat was thick but knowing he was sick, I didnt want him to be colder if he felt cold. If it were up to him, he would've wanted to be left alone outside. I feel like it was like that scene in the movie "Marely and Me". He knew, he knew his time was coming. The decision to take him to the vet came when Chewy came home and he seen Smokey laying on the porch with no emotion when he got home from work. Since Smokey was on the porch already, I went to him and told him to take one final walk with me and after much effort to get him down the stairs, our walk to my car was so sad. I felt like I was in the "green mile" movie with him. Typing this is bringing tears to my eyes. I managed to get him in the car and when we got there, Chewy helped me bring him down. Smokey walked into the facility and just laid down. We could not get him to stand up anymore and a cart was brought out and assistant's carried him onto the cart. Chewy said he could'nt stay in the room to watch all this. I didn't want to stay in the room either BUT I wasn't going to leave Smokey in a room with strangers and his last view is of a stranger. They put the catheter in his back paw as veins in his front paws were not easily accesible. The first injection was to sedate him, his focused on my eyes and my voice. His eyes got droopy but he was getting relaxed. The next injection was to end it. He was focused on me still, on my voice and his breathing started to slow. He was gone in less than a minute but his last breath, his last view was of me. He didn't go alone, he left with me. One more piece of me sent to heaven. I told him to go run around, roll in the grass and keep "grandpa, my dad" company. I woke up around 2 this morning, to go to the bathroom and found myself "stepping over" where he would've been laying down at. What's even more weird was when I parked the car, my cat Bootsie looked out the window, as if to look and wonder where Smokey was. Around 9, Bootsie let out 2 loud meow's. It's like he knew Smokey was gone forever. I swear and Im convinced my pets knew about Smokey and his destination before I did.

Well this blog today is dedicated to a happy go lucky dog that I was honored in knowing, a friend of mine gave him to me because of her allergies and he's been a part of my family ever since. These are his last picture I had taken of him in October and November. I did take a picture of him when he was sick and laying down but I deleted it. I didnt want to be reminded of him that way, I wanna remember him happy and annoyed by the things I made him wear. RIP Smokey.

New Years off to the typical start

Hi, its Thursday, January 3rd and New Years is off to the typical start  in my life which is HORRIBLE! Not only did I not do anything on Christmas, we didnt celebrate as a "family" on New Years Eve. My twins actually didnt come home until yesterday, well only one, the other one has yet to come home, hell, I wouldn't even know if she was alive had I not got a text from her yesterday only because she needed something from me. (a telephone number).

Today's no different since the beginning of this fucked up year (its only the 3rd day of the year) So my lovely husband wants to know if my lovely twins will be going to school this semester, he needs to know if he will be "wasting" his money on them or what. So with that being said, here I am being the one to get aggravated because 1) one twin, Sandy says she does want to continue to go to school. I also voiced my opinion on their behavior, not coming home, priorities are still fucked up, etc. Funny how kids tend to tell you your worth, so here is what she said to me via text:

Me: Since your sister cant return my texts or is probably not allowed to return texts since shes laid up with her loser boyfriend, your father wants to know if you two still want to continue school. Its way too much money to dish out if you two are not in the right frame of mind and doing your own thing. Ask your sister and let us know what you two gonna be on. If you two still dont wish to talk to me then text your father your reply and loose my number. Im tired of the both of you treating me like shit because you dont like what I have to say about the company you keep.

Sandy: Didnt I say I already changed my work schedule for school.
Me: I will forward him your response. Text or call your sister and let me know or let him know. She is too busy right now she cant answer my call or reply thru text..
Sandy: Maybe because she's sleeping!
Me: Yep, rough life working, drinking, getting high and laying up with a loser. My sympathies to the both of you.
Sandy: LOL Ok
Me: I find it hilarious how the both of you take for granted what is done for you. School paid for, roof provided and we still have to ask you two are gonna do. Hilarious how your father pays for school and you sandy are so fuckin cheap to help with a house bill but you can manage to provide food, weed, liqour for your loser boyfriend. Oh and lets not forget the hotel parties you be throwing and you and your sister pay for. Good priorities there buddy, glad we can both laugh about it. Thats cool, like my dad and mom told me and im gonna tell you and your sisters, "your gonna need me before I need your ass"
Sandy: Stop acting like you know everything. First of all I drink not smoke. I'll be more than happy to take a drug test so I can stop hearing you run your mouth about smoking. Its annoying. Never paid for a hotel and never did anything you think you know when its funny because you have it all wrong. I havent needed you for nothing. Never ask you for nothing. Dont you get it?I stopped coming to you. Your not approachable and your not good at being a mother to us. I do things on my own. I probably only need dad for advise. Other than that, I try the best I can to do things alone. You can talk all you want but it no longer gets to me. Do you feel better about bringing all of us down? If it does more power to you. This is why I never wanted you having my number. Cause I dont need your stupid negative opinions. Then you wonder why I dont kiss you nor wanna be near you. Or you ever hear me say I love you. I pick up every hour to be away from you and Im happy going to school.
Me: Ok, finally you had the balls to say it. Remember what you said cuz I will NEVER forget, its gonna bite you in the ass later little girl.
Sandy: And your the reason why I said all this. Dont you forget why you pushed all of us away.
Me: Never will forget when all of you became a disappointment and a statistic. Thanks for being honest, much respect for what you said. Thanks.
Sandy: Great example as to why I stay away from you...and your welcome.
Me: yea you learned from me to be bi, you learned from me to be used by piece of shit boys, you learned from me to stay out all night and not come home for days at a time except to get clothes and wash your ass. Yep I taught you all those things. Oh and lets not forget I taught you to disrespect a parent, yep you learned all those skills from me. Yeppers, consider me dead and leave me the fuck alone!
Sandy: ok no problem

All this lovely fuckin conversation before 10:00am via text. It is what it is. Oh and to top it off, so I weight myself today, 166 is the not so magic number today. Four fuckin pounds lost, gee I wonder why. Fuckin emotional eating and cant even loose weight. After this, Im praying that food is the furthest from my mind. Gotta love fuckin kids to show your worth. Who needs fuckin enemies when you have a family like mine! 2) the other twin, Vero has yet to respond to me. Funny how a boy who left her ass to go to another whore, then that whore cheated on him and he went back to Vero and she stupidily took him back is now laid up with him since New years eve. And I dont have a right to voice my opinion huh??? FUCK THEM AND FUCK EVERYTHING. IM SO FUCKING DONE!!! Oh but they learned everything from me!

Here's a picture before my worth as a mom was so clearly stated: