October 25th

I havent blogged since last week, thought I'd write some random thoughts that are bouncing around in my head...kinda looks like this:

1.  this office coffee, I swear taste's like it has nicotine in it.
2.  gotta dye my hair tonight to hide that silvery gray that keeping sparkling in any kind of light.
3.  my stomach pouch, why wont it go away, that little pouch better go away soon because it's getting me down.
4.  michelle's hair really looks cute and I can tell she feels good about her haircut.
5.  I swear this coffee has nicotine in, I gotta finish it and then go wash my teeth.
6.  I hope I dont get lost going to osweago next week for my dental appointment.
7.  I have not had a bowel movement since Saturday, October 20th, damn vitamins!
8.  have to schedule my patient appointments and do this QI graphs
9.  I feel like im gonna climb the walls today with this damn coffee
10.  what am I gonna do with those clothes that are on my closet floor
11.  feeling blue today even when its sunny outside
12.  my niece's birthday today, hope she hasnt cried today but something tells me she has
13.  towana's birthday tomorrow and I have no money to take her out :(


So as you can see many things bouncing around in my head all at once. Things at home were pretty bad on Monday and Tuesday but didnt blog about it. To hurtful to even write down. Yesterday was an "okay" day. No arguments and thou I shed tears usually in the morning, tears didnt pour out as bad yesterday. Yay! I went through a drawer yesterday of capri's that no longer fit. Two piles of capri's that are currently folded and sitting on my closet floor. I have more drawers of pants to go thru and then hit the closet to see what blouses no longer fit. Im currently a size 14, snuggish I wanna say but went from an 18 snug to a 14 snug. My extra large and 1x sweaters are starting to droop over my shoulders. YAY! Skirts are kinda baggy as well and the pants that I do wear you can see the space between my waist and the material and the bagginess in the crotch area. YAY! I must admit, though the clothes dont fit me, its hard for me to let them go. Weird? Nope, whats weird is that while going thru my clothes I was thinking "I should save these just in case I dont loose weight I'll have my clothes to fall back on". See! Im still feeling that I'm not gonna loose weight when it's obvious in my clothes and in my appearance that I am loosing. I tell ya, my mind is my own worse enemy!

I went to Lane Bryant yesterday, I bought 2 pants, size 14, jeggin material. Not too bad when I tried them on. Kinda feels weird to me to have something form fitting when all my life I have bought clothes big enough to hide my fat and unwanted curves. I have noticed my arms have more loose skin than before but at the same time look slimmer? Maybe it was always there and I just never noticed. I dunno. My collar bone, the thing I want to see the most in this weight loss is starting to show. My no neck appearance has suddenly seemed to appear and I have a neck. All this sounds weird but I guess you have to be a chubby girl to understand the things we see.

Eating remains the same. I can only eat so much but it has been awhile since I have thrown up. I stop eating as soon as I feel full. Even that last bite that I wanna take, I dont because I know that it will make me feel ill and then the need to vomit for relief. Water intake, yea the same! Im drinking it but not as I should be. Intake of food is still about 1/2 cup to 1 cup of food. Depending on what I am consuming. My follow-ups arent until next month.

Okay, thats all for right now, have to get back to work.

Hi, its Tuesday October 16th. I don't really have much today, weekend was rather boring, didnt do much, I guess because the weather was gloomy. Things at home are not good still, girls still come and go as they please, have a funky attitude and my husband's attitude towards me doesn't help matters. Just last night I argued with one of the twins and he got between us and scolded me rather than scold her for disrespecting. He told me "its my house" and that was a true slap in the face. So I told him I fully understood that its "his house" and cant wait to get the fuck out of it! How I wish I could wake up and all the stuff that has made me cry, mad and anything else in between could just go away when I opened my eyes. I wont ever say "what else can go wrong" just because I know it would happen to me. I'll continue to roll with the punches and keep on smiling.

Anyways, here's a picture of me today, hope you can see some change. My face is still fat and so is the body, but baby steps I suppose until I get where I need to be. The second picture with the black sweater was taken last Thursday but I was unable to post it. Enjoy and have a great day!

October 11th



October 16th



I was looking at my Facebook and I am subscribed to a gal, she's a runner and has lost a tremednous amount of weight. She always has great receipe's, excercise ideas, and words of encouragement. Today's encouragement caught my eye:

Losing weight is simple. Eat healthy and exercise. Its not the how that people struggle with.... Its the "do". The "do" comes from within, its a spark that turns into a fire that ignites your life. Motivation, determination, will-power, call it what you will, but until you find that you won't succeed. And no one can tell you how to get that either... that's something you are going to have to dig deep for and find yourself. Are you ready to change your life? Are you ready to create a new you? Are you ready to work your ass off every single day, struggling, crying and screaming? Its not easy... if it were easy everyone would be doing it right? You need to find your inner warrior and you need to be stronger than who you are today. GO.BE.STRONGER!

 

I'll have to remind myself of that when I look in the mirror and the demon's in my head start to play.

 

 

First weekend of October

Where should I start off at? First weekend of October and things were going okay on Friday til 3:15pm when I received a call from my husband who informs me to call our insurance agent because my twin Vero was in an accident. After finding out that she is okay, just shook up and they will "just talk to you when we get home" I figured everything was going to be okay. They get home I ask the who, what, where questions and its like pulling fuckin teeth. Like Im supposed to use my mind-reading powers and just move on. I ask where is the police report? "It's in my purse in my friend's car". Why I ask? Why is it in your friend's car when you just got off work? Why was your friend there? Im over here thinking that perhaps friends from work seen what happened and they stopped to comfort her. So two hours pass and this "friend" finally dropped off the report. Why did this friend park around the corner versus just beep in front of my house and just give her the report. Well I read the report, low and behold, the accident did not happen right after she got out of work, it happened at 8:44 in the morning. Why isnt my daughters name on the report? Oh that's because her loser boyfriend was once again driving the fuckin car? What is her story....oh this is good and it goes something like this....

"I was driving waiting to turn, some lady hits me from behind cuz she was in

a rush. I got out the car and the paramedics and cops came. The paramedics

said not to drive the car because it was leaking break fluid so my "friend" moved

the car to the side, the cops gave him a ticket for being behind the wheel

when he moved the car to the side. (mind you that he doesnt have a license)

I told them I was the one driving. I didnt

go with the paramedics and when I told the cop I was driving he still gave the ticket

to my friend."

Its funny how my husband read the report before me and didnt even notice the driver's written on the report. Funny how I read the report and noticed that very first before anything else! Oh and it gets better. I started asking the who, why's, and what's and she has the nerve to cop and attitude. And even more when I call her "friend" a loser. The same loser whom she got locked up with not even 3 weeks earlier and she still on the same BS. Oh and that's not the cherry on top of the cake. My husband, Vero and my other twin jumped on me and told me that Im a negative person, nothing good comes out my mouth. WAIT?!!! Did I get in this traffice accident? Was it me that let that loser drive? NOPE! Cuz if it was up to me it would've taken the car away with the first stupid ass inicident. NOPE that wasnt my choice! It was my husband's choice to turn the cheek as aways and has never changed! BUT IM THE BAD GUY for evening coming up with such an idea! And here we are, a car that might be totalled from rear end damage and because my stupid ass daughter rather than coming at us with the truth got caught up in a lie and couldn't answer the questions correctly let alone fast enough! I told my husband God forbid he could even say I was "right", no that would be too much, so lets just put me down some more. So after all that was said and done, naturally I sit on the couch, scolded for speakin my mind, I have to have a certain tone, say things a certain way so noone can take them as negativity. Naturally, Vero walks out and leaves because things are panning out her way, Sandy leaves because she says I have nothing good to say and Chewy leaves telling me ALL MY FAULTS. I sit there on the couch, more fuckin daggards BUT its cool. Like I told them, pray I die quickly for I like a dumb ass have gotten a pretty hansomely life insurance for them all to spend when Im gone. Its either that to gain my saninty or I'll come to terms and be leaving in my car sooner rather than later. Only God knows where he wants me to be. 

Saturday was pretty much quite. The girls never came home until early Sunday morning. Chewy ignorned me pretty much on Saturday so I spent some time with my nieces and nephew outside by a fire pit and just laughed. They didnt even have a clue that of what I was experiencing, going thru, and the thoughts that I was having. My family as dysfunctional as they are, sometimes that dysfunction is what I need to make me forget about my dysfunction at home. Seen some old grammer school friends Saturday night as well, good times and good laughs. Got does work wonders now that I sit here and type. Sunday was the annual Houby Day Parade. That lasted two hours, seen that, came home and then went to my softball game. I actually got to play, I was cather of course and I did hit the ball and ran pretty slowly but I had a good time. I went home and just made a few jewlery pieces and went to bed. I know, Im a plain girl living the plain life. LOL.

Here are my niece's and nephew. Love them! 

October 6th

Okay, so Im feeling a lil crummy today but not as bad as yesterday. A lil cry in the car on the way to work does the body wonders! So I just noticed that the 6th falls on a Saturday and naturally I wont be able to blog from home as I dont even get on the computer when I get home but thats only because Im on a computer Monday-Friday and being on one at home is not quite my desire.

So with that being said, here's my October picture status. Two-months post-sleeve gastrectomy surgery. Sorry for the bad lighting or bad picture on the bottom picture, this was taken in a hurry. The first picture was taken on September 29th at a birthday party.

I put my hands on my waist so you can get an idea where im at in that aspect, my tummy is still there and I know I said I didnt want to wear black clothing but it just happened that way today. I know its not much of a difference and I cant wait for the day when it does become noticable. So stick around for the ride! :)

Thought of the day...

As crummy as my day started off yesterday and gradually got better after weighing myself leave it to my husband to put me back in the crummy state of mind I started off with. Why? Only because I was excited to tell him that I lost weight. Did he express happiness, encouragement, anything? NOPE!!!! It sucks to have a partner for 20+ fuckin years and not once can he be the main person in your life be happy for you. Its draining. Little by little not only is the fat going away, but my spirit is just dying. I have a man who is so fuckin machismo, a fuckin man who supports and provides for his family BUT cant manage to make me happy and be supportative. He shot my dream down as a teen when I wanted to be a hairdresser what would or could possibly make him change as an adult man?! I should've went on my merry way and become the slut rather than listen to my mother whom said "you'll never find a good man like him".  And yes, Im the stupid ass who stays with him because like him, Im so used to him and make any excuse under the sun for him and his fuckin rotten behavior and attitude.

I hate talking about my kids, I hate talking about my marriage, and I hate talking about anything that pertains to me only because there is NEVER nothing positive. If there is some inkling of positivity, happiness, joy, etc that just gets shot down within a couple of hours! Why would I want to discuss this shit with anyone and bring them down. I dont need sympathy. Its like a black fuckin cloud that follows me everywhere I turn. Pig pen was even happier than I ever will.  Why is it that when I try to do for others, try to make them smile, anything, they shit on me? Why is it they say "good things come to those who wait" yet Im still waiting for a brighter fuckin day? Is there a fine print somewhere that states only kind-hearted souls apply to that rule and fuck the rest of the miserable people? My fuckin kids are so self-absorbed, I could be dying of an incurable illness and they'd be the one's to bitch if they had to attend my fuckin wake on their busy schedule. I have a fuckin older daughter that tells me I suck as a mom and I have a shitty way of raising my twins. She tells me I was never there for her but she seems to forget the times I bailed her fuckin ass out of jail, prevented a jaggoff of a boy from beating her down like a dog, carted her ass here and there and attended every fucking  sport she was in. BUT I SUCK AS A MOM! I should've had an abortion on all accounts so then GOD could only judge me! Not only does God judge me but now I have my very own judges here on earth. I've a fuckin twin who says she hates the fuckin house and me when things dont go her way because I want whats best for her and another twin who fuckin plucks her eyelashes out when shes stressed. BUT im a fuckin bad mom. Funny how I notice these small things in these ungrateful fuckin kids! I cant wait til they have their fuckin kids cuz at this rate that they are going, thats all they're gonna be good at, fucking and popping out fuckin bastards by every tom,dick,and harry. Then I cant wait till they show me what "a mom really looks like".

Work, I cant even take a fuckin vacation (every fuckin friday til December) because it may "interfere" with my co-workers. GOD FUCKIN FORBID I take a fuckin friday off only because I thought a whole week would inconvienence someone! Then they wonder why I dont go to their staff parties, holiday parties and any other kiss-ss parties they make.

Ugh, I guess that's my thought of the day. Smile and act as if nothing is bothering me. I'm pretty good at it, been doing it all my fuckin life!

Update from earlier post this morning...

Just wanted to update you on something...




AS OF TODAY, OCTOBER 2nd, I WEIGH.............DRUMROLLL PLEASE.....................189!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT NUMBER RIGHT THERE JUST MADE MY YUCKY DAY BETTER!!!!!!! :) So YES, October 6th you will see an updated picture of me! Click on the link below so you can see just how I feel!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=zS1cLOIxsQ8

Can I start the day over???

So Im not feeling it today. Let's just say it all stems from issues with a cellular phone. I have been experiencing issues with my cellphone since last Thursday. I took it in and it was determined that I need to have a replacement. So I got the replacement yesterday, contacts, pictures were successfully saved and I arranged the icons and apps successfully. Okay so I thought I did everything that needed to be done to the phone. NOT SO! I totally forgot to set my damn alarm. How could I forget to set that up! So needless to say, woke up late, feeling rushed, feeling disorganized, feeling like I need to start the day over!

I also noticed that its October 2nd and in 4 more days I will need to post a picture up so you can see my status. Believe it or not, I'm stressing about posting pictures. I honestly dont see any changes and if there are not changes then comes the disappointments of viewing picture status. I feel emotional today. Im pondering if my menstrual cycle is coming (even though I have had a total hysterectomy) I have this huge pimple on my chin, I'm emotional (did I mention emotional?) and as I sit here at my counter I look down and see this blubber just sitting there. Ugh! I had a friend of mine take a picture of me today, yea I wont be posting that picture either. Looking rather bummy, disorganized, just down right bummy. I want to take a picture in something other than the color black because I want you to see the real transformation rather have the fat be hidden from the color black. Im wearing a torqouise blouse today and a gray skirt BUT for some reason, I just look like I got out of bed with the clothes Im in. Hard to explain, just bummy/wrinkely. Im hoping that I feel better tomorrow because today is pretty much shot to hell!

I even contemplated looking for a scale to weigh myself since many people ask me what my weight is. Im scared I didnt loose any or worse yet, GAINED! The way Im feeling today, perhaps Im better off not finding a scale since Im feeling blah today. Having to see dissapointment on the scale just might send me over the edge today. Funny, that song "dont push me cuz Im close to the edge, Im trying not to loose my head" came to mind as I typed that line! LOL. On a bright note, I ate half a cup of cottage cheese with a slice of a peach, I poured my water in my 16oz glass and Im currently munching on some smokehouse almonds. For lunch I will have a bean burritto (protein but yes fat as well because of the masa) but its better than real fatty foods.

C'ya soon!

Monday thought of the day...

Ok I may not have just one thought of the day, I kinda have a few thoughts lingering in my head.

The weekend was good. Saturday I went to one of my bestie's baby's first birthday party. Good turn out, good laughs, too times and lasting memories. How did I do with eating at the party? Welp, thats a good question. Of course there was nothing healthy at this party, I mean it was a kids party, kids=junkfood period! So I ate half a cheeseburger, half a bag of chips and half a pop. Half only because I couldnt manage to eat the rest not because I was being good at what I was eating. Then comes the junkfood portion, not that the cheeseburger and chips weren't junk food as well, they had popcorn and cotton candy and cupcakes. So I had a half a bag of popcorn, 3 damn cotton candies, and half a cupcake. OMG, yes I said 3 cotton candies! LOL. I felt bad at the very end but I just love me my cotton candy!

Sunday I really didnt eat much, went to breakfast with my husband and ordered potatoe pancakes that came with 3 eggs and 3 strips of bacon. I ate perhaps a quarter dollar size of the potatoe cake and 2 strips of bacon and brought the rest of the food home to eat. In the evening I had a small chiptoel salad which I have to say I was not impressed with the flavoring and basically threw it up 15 minutes later. Had pretzels after that and thats about it for food intake. My water intake, yea thats not going well either but still trying to do better.

Today, Monday I was looking in the mirror. You know, my enemy! I was looking at my back, I still see the rolls that are back there underneathe my shoulder blade. It looks to me like it may be loose skin forming. I dont know. Maybe its just my rolls that haven't gone away. BUT what I have noticed and this may sound weird is that my inner thighs are not rubbing as much. By this I mean, when I wear skirts or shorts, my inner thighs would rub against eachother so much that at times I would chafe and it would at times be raw from the friction. I would have to apply cornstarch powder and other things to prevent the chaffing that occured. Today I forgot to do that, actually all last week also but today I noticed it. I have no clue why my mind wandered to my thighs but I noticed that they were not rubbing together as much as before when I really could tell. So im thinking that my thighs have shrunk in inches??? Thats a good thing right?!? I know weird but when your a chubby girl like me, I notice certain things about my body.

Thats it for now. Thought I'd share that lil tid bit that I noticed this morning as I walked.