November 12th, 2013

Its been awhile since my last blog. I suppose I need to blog now sinc things I can't seem to hold in much more. Here are a few things:

1) weight is at 158. Stresful eating has taken a toll on me.
2) joined a new gym because they are open at 5 in the morning and it works perfectly for me.
3) got a new job, demotion but I am lesz stressed,  the eating will stop and I work with two ladies that are awesome.
4) I met with a "medium" who really didn't convince me to be authentic. I think she has a gift but just not in tuned with her gift just quite yet.
5) my sister-in-law has moved back from Florida!
6) I ran my 2nd 5k in 37:11 time. 
7) took my first Metra train ride
8) I've been making macrame bracelets.
9) you recall that earlier this year I lost my dog smokey. I got a puppy by the name of Frankie and then I got a puppy named Charlie. I had to give Charlie away because she demanded big time attention which I could not give 24/7. I'm sad to say that I have now lost Frankie due to a rare blood disorder.

It's killing me inside. I am actually mad at God for taking her for me. Questioning why would he do that to me, to take her so young (1 year old). Am I such a bad person that he feels the need to make me sad? Why couldn't I be rich to say "money is no object save my dog" yet I was unable to have the funds to save her. I even questioned if I was being hexed. My friend nadine told me that I shouldn't be mad at God and that he took Frankie be cause she took the place of a loved  one. Animals love unconditionally and she saved a life. I'm not sure what the reason is but if that's the case it still doesn't help the emptiness I feel now that she's gone. I want to say that I feel as if I had a miscarriage.  They are there one minute and the next they are not and its completely out of your hands. That's life whether we like it or not. 

As you can see, its been a challenging year if you have read my earlier posts. I'm praying things just get better and brighter.

I'm adding some pictures of my  mentions above:

August 6th...

Welp its finally here! MY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my sleeve gastrectomy!!! It feels like it was just yesterday coming back from my lunch after attending the free seminar here at the hospital. Getting calls to start the patient process and the tests needed to get the ball rolling. This one year has been very emotional. Not sure if I have a chemical imbalance, emotional because Im just an emotional person, or emotional because I'm still changing in appearance.

This year has shown me so many things that I never thought of until I had my surgery. I have seen my body change, my view on things change, people change, eating habits change, and view of food change just to name of few.  What I know for certain is:

1. My frame of mind/thinking still needs to catch up with my weight/body transformation.
2. My mind still/remains my worse enemy.
3. My stress levels are at its highest and I am seeing the  effects of it and its not good.
4. People change, including me and I'll just have to accept it, its totally out of my hands.
5. Trying to be positive/view the glass half full rather than half empty is a continous daily challenge that I have to work at really hard.
6. Thou the surgery has cleared up health-related issues, (cardiac, diabetes, blood pressure), I believe that I still need some "mental" help because in reality I just cant/dont have all the answers and perhaps voicing them out to a professional can help me concept why it is the way I think.
7. Bloggin has helped me a great deal.
8. I just noticed that #'s 1, 2, 5, 6 are all related to the "mind" and like an alcholic, admitting to the problem is the first step to recovery.

Im kinda feeling sad today actually. I have been fluctating weight since February and it has been bumming me out. I have been 150-155 for the longest. The pictures I am about to post were truly at the weight stated. This morning however, my montly weight post is 155.4. I have gained and I want to say it truly is because I am very stressed. It's not even with home, it's actually work. I feel like Im going crazy for blaming work/stress but I truly am an emotional eater. I even go shopping when Im stressed and then experience the guilt for spending (money I surely don't have so I charge it) and eat some more. Work is just draining me mentally and I find myself wanting to eat everything in sight. Then guilt for even feeling the need to eat. This morning I went to Meier's to get my salads, yogurts,  and even looked at the Carnation instant breakfasts to quit eating all in general. I know that its not normal nor healthy to even think that way BUT Im being honest. I feel very discouraged, very defeated, and just overall just SAD. 

I still pretty much keep things to myself and don't discuss what I'm feeling or going through with my friends. I just feel that discussing things will just bring them down and I don't want that.

Well, this is supposed to be a happy blog, afterall it is my one year anniversary. Here are some pictures that I had taken late July and August to share, enjoy (especially this morning's coffee face):

July 26th - Univision Interview

So I had my interview with "Univision". The whole process was just crazy/funny/overwhelming...all in that order!

I went to the Bariatric Center in Melrose Park and the reporter and her camera man were about an hour late. I left work early for nothing. Actually they were so late that the surgeon, Dr. Chand wasnt even interviewed. The only one's interview were myself, Yvette the nurse coordinator (she's such an awesome person inside and out) and this new psychologist Dr. Wool. I met her for the first time today.

When the news reporter (Gladys) got there, she started setting up, asking questions here and there and  we began taping. My Spanish was horrific and is showed but it is what it is! She was very kind and perfessional and overall I think she made the experience very calm? Is that the word I want to use? I dunno, all I know is that I was super-duper nervous and sweating bullets! To be in a "SURE" commercial was completely outta the question!!!

I recieved a few texts here and there during the news presentation and it was hilarious. It made me smile because they all had positive feedback, even my mom said something nice about me. With that being said, here is the video for that day as well as a picture with Gladys the report. Enjoy!

July 23rd...

My last blog I think was at the begging of July, my weight and whatnot. Not much as been exciting enough to "blog home about" but just a few notes reflecting towards the beginning of July. July 12th my girls went to the Bon Jovi Concert. I gave them that present for their birthdays. I think they had fun, what do you think?

I had my follow-up testing done on Saturday 20th. You will recall that I had a mammogram which showed some abnormalities. These abnormalities were found to be numerous cysts. I suppose that is normal because they were not concerned with it. They however were concerned with a not-so-cystic-looking mass on my left breast. You guessed it, additional tests need to be done. That would take place Monday, July 22nd. You recall that the whole mammogram process was very humiliating for me. Today was no exception to the rule. The same nurses assisted me with my "boob" and then it gets interesting, not only would my "FNA=fine needle aspiration" would take place by a male doctor, two first year residents would be also checking out the "boob". I was crying when the nurse told me that "Dr. Cooper" would be doing the procedure and after I asked if it was a lady, she confirmed to me that Dr. Cooper is a man. Yep, started crying! This 15-minute procedure winded up being 2 1/2 hours. The probing, the touching, the force that one endures these procedures, in one word "frightening". I know have a clear bandage of the sort, bloody, very tender, and just not what I expected in having my very first mammogram. I am bleeding through my bandaid, I am sore and very tender.  I don't even think I'm scared of the outcome. I don't have an ill feeling in the pit of my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I am thinking about it but I have always said that my death would come in the form of cancer. I don't know why I feel that, I just always have. I have thought of the "what if" it is cancer and I'm okay with it. I say that right now and I'm assuming that I'll be more passionate about it in thought later if positive. I have thought of the whole mastectomy procedure, chemo/radiation, and anything else that cancer involves. I have also thought about declining treatment. I dunno, just a thought that ran through my head. I guess Friday I will find out my results. God is playing 50/50 with me, a game that I don't know the rules of.

My daughter Veronica had an interview on July 22nd as well. I suppose things went well. She didn't wait around for me after her interview. I went to have my procedure while she went on her interview. Naturally I didn't tell her of the procedure. No one knows. She only knows that I have cysts nothing else. I'm not sure if I mentioned I got a puppy 2 weeks ago. As fast as I got her as fast as I had to let her go. No one in the house wanted to help me out with her while I was at work and it was truly unfair to the puppy if I yelled at her for her wrong doings. Naturally all three of my lovely children had such nice things to say to me. "Your ignorant, your pathetic, your selfish, your this and your that". Never did I ever receive such mental abuse at one time. Needless to say, they are not talking to me now. I winded up giving Charlie to my brother. I whole-heartily believe that he was meant for him. The day I got her and took her to see him, he fell in love with her. He told me a German Shepard would be his next dog if he had the money. In earlier posts, I said God works things a certain way for us and Charlie was meant for my brother. I broke my heart to make the decision and I cried as I walked away but I'm happy to know that he will take care of her and I can see her anytime I want. Today's my husband's birthday and I'm praying that they don't ruin his day only because that means I'll be more stressed.

I spoke to my insurance rep last week, July 25th and they stated that the approval letter was en route to my physician's office. Plastic physician that is. I contacted the office and they stated that they cannot do anything until that letter is received. So yay!!! I'm gonna have my tummy surgery! I'm gearing towards the 3rd week of August. I've even thought of having a mastectomy at that time by the same surgeon (if I need one). Told ya I've been preparing myself for worse news. Force of habit I suppose.

Lastly, I will be interviewing with "UNIVISION" under the medical segment and that will take place on Friday, July 26th. I believe they will show the segment that evening on the 10 o'clock news. I'm nervous but I honestly just feel numb. I have so many emotions going on, one minute I'm crying the next I'm smiling, and the next I'm just blah. It's been very hard to not snap on someone and even harder trying not to put things in my mouth to eat in the form of comfort.

I guess that's all for now. :(

July 9th...

I'm three days late in blogging and I suppose it's because I've had a lot going on this past week. I even woke up late today. It seems that once you reach 25 years of age, the days seem to fly by and at some point in life, you don't even know what day of the week it is anymore. At least that's how I have been feeling.

I was off the first week of July. God plays a major part in one's life. By this I mean, yes I know God is everywhere at all times but I am truly starting to see what people mean that God has plans for us. Last week I was off. I planned to be off with my husband and just vegg at home, catch up on some much needed tanning, maybe even go to a water park or just a mini getaway. What wind up happening was me being off and spending majority of my time at the hospital with my twin Veronica. She had been experiencing some eye pain, swelling, sensitivity to light and just miserable. I took her to the immediate care where they gave her some drops and if pain persisted then we'd meet with her PCP. The following day, she was in extreme amount of pain and she was overbooked in a clinic. So immediate care was on June 27th, overbook appointment on 28th. As the day progressed on Friday, her symptoms seemed to get worse. Blurred vision was the main concern. I called the physician answering service and I managed to get an appointment on Monday, July 1st. More drops were given, and a follow-up was scheduled for Tuesday as well as blood work. Tuesday's appointment gave us the diagnosis of Uveitis. It seems that her WBC (white blood count) were working overdrive, collection behind the eye causing the pain and blurred vision. WBC usually fight off infection but where the infection was is to be determined. I still have to bring her in for a follow-up on Thursday, July 11th. She is feeling much better (thank God) and the drops she was given were steroid drops. The redness, swelling, and even the pain has been better. Blurred vision she has a little bit of and I pray that it gets better as well. I really didn't get to do much of anything during my time off but take her to her appointments. The weather wasn't the best, rain most part of the week. I was able to get some sun on the 4th and some on the weekend. I came back to work on Monday, July 8th only to find out that I was scheduled off. This is what I mean that the days just fly by and I have no clue what day it is let alone where I'm supposed to be. The week I took off I truly believe God intended for me because I did not interfere with anyone at work for coverage and I was able to come and go as I pleased without rushing. Also, I was able to take my oldest Bianca for her follow-up visit on Wednesday, July 3rd which she is now out of the cast and out of her boot. Friday, July 5th I had a yearly follow-up for my well-being which included a mammogram. I NEVER had a mammogram so this was a pretty interesting day for me. To be felt up, maneuvered, and humiliated, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I did however receive a letter in the mail yesterday stating that I would have to have additional imaging done because something was seen. What was seen who knows, I did leave a message for my doctor to call me and tell me just what was seen and what other test I now need to do. I'll keep ya posted on that.

Finally, since I had my annual follow-up (July 5th), they did weigh me, and the magic number is 151.2. I swear my plateau is getting the best of me and makes me quite sad. I also called the plastic surgery department, you will recall that my appointment was on June 21st. I called to follow-up on the insurance status and the nurse stated that they submitted my paperwork on July 3rd. Two weeks after my initial appointment and they submitted my paperwork on July 3rd. I was upset about it but it is what it is. If all goes well, I will be having my abdominal area worked on the last week of August and be out for two weeks. I also received a reminder in the e-mail that my interview with Univision Television is set for July 16th and it will be shown that night on the 10 o'clock news. I'm pretty excited about that and wondering just what color I'll wear. I'm trying to stay away from Black because of course you know that black hides everything. I have found myself buying colors (from the second-hand store of course) and steering away from black. I want to be true to the people who see me daily, I want them to see my weight loss, I'm not hiding myself or my clearly seen body flaws and that's what I want to show America as well. I hope this makes sense because what I'm thinking makes sense. If there is a video of this, then I'll post it. Wish me luck!

I have attached my July picture and a summer picture. It seems that this year/summer, I have visited Mario's Italian ice more than past years and this picture I was actually to take one with all of us together.
See ya soon!




July 5th, 151 pounds




"Summer of Mario- 2013"



Abdominal Appt...

June 24st...
So, I had my 2nd plastic surgery appointment on Friday. You will recall that I went for a consultation in April. I worked until 1:00 and left for my appointment which was at 2:30. It started pouring rain as soon as I got into my car and then while en route to my destination, the surgeon's nurse gives me a call and states that he would be an hour late and if I wanted to cancel my appointment or keep it with in mind that he is in surgery and will be late getting to clinic. I was already more than half way there so I told her I'd keep my appointment. I had time to kill now so I went window shopping to Old Navy. I was particularly looking for a bathing suit. I'm not one to try on things when I'm in a store but lately I find myself trying the stuff out. I picked some shorts out, bathing suits, and a few sun dresses. Shorts felt kinda weird. I'm picky about shorts. If I feel the seam going up the crack of my ass, or have the seam right there in my "cuca" then I'm not going to buy them. It seems that every single short I tried had this dilemma, so I nixed the shorts. Then comes the bathing suits. While the tops fit fine, the bottoms just weren't where I wanted them to lay. Plus I was looking for boy short bottoms and all they seemed to have was the bikini-type of bottoms. They also were not laying right on my ass. You'd see more of my crack with the way the bikini bottom was fitting. So yea, nixed the bathing suits as well. Lastly, I tried on a summer dress. I actually liked it, and what more I liked was that it was a "medium". I know it solely has to do with the material but to have a "medium" fit on my body, made me happy.

This is what I bought in a navy blue and green.

So off to my appointment. My doctor didn't arrive to see me until 4:30. Yep two hours late but it's not like I had anything to do either way. My patience I must admit has gotten pretty good. He came in, asked me what it was I wanted to do, if I'm where I want to be at blah, blah, blah. I stated that I'm at the weight my surgeon wants me at (152.4) but my goal weight given to me was 150. I still would like to loose 30 pounds and I'm GOING TO LOOSE 30 pounds! He states that I would have to take off 2 weeks with absolutely no lifting whatsoever. While my waiting for him, his nurse showed me before and after pictures of other patients. So two weeks, though I'm not happy about, it is what it is. I even looked up video's on YouTube so see before and after and what to expect as I waiting for his arrival. According to him and to the video's, I will be in alot of pain, mid section. Laying flat per the video's will be next to impossible because of the pain only because getting up from a laying position will hurt do to the muscle's contracting. I will definitely need help getting up and moving around. The surgeon then asked "when would you like to have this done"? Welp, I stated, "let's get the paperwork in that is needed, and if it goes from there, lets say the end of August". He said "OK". The appointment was pretty good BUT what really bothered me about the whole thing was that "he" would have to look at my mid-section again. Luckily, when I told him when I wanted surgery, he asked his nurse to "take pictures" to submit with my paperwork. The nurse would be the one to take pictures. Wheew! You'd think that was the end of it. NOPE! I took my clothes off except bra and chonies and took the patient gown off. She took pictures of my mid section frontal and side. This was very humiliating even if it was just a nurse taking pictures of this. The need to "suck in" my stomach is like second nature to me like breathing, I just do it. To let it "hang out" as the nurse instructed made it difficult for me to just do that. Embarrassment all over again. I cant even describe the humiliation. Yes they see this everyday all day but nonetheless, I'm a patient dealing with this and they have no clue what a patient feels. They are numb because its an everyday thing to them. Plus, in my room is that damn thing I hate to see every morning...a flippin mirror. Why a plastic surgery department has a mirror I just will never understand.

This is my view of the room I was in...

Cold, dreary, and of course I sat in the chair not near the mirror. The appointment was short and sweet. I guess I now play the waiting game and see when and if my surgery will happen. As I stated, I will be scheduled at the end of August is all goes well. It will be an outpatient procedure and I will be out for 2 weeks. The ride home was pretty smooth. I got home and sat on my couch and CRIED. My one twin and husband just looked at me and asked what's wrong. As I explained my embarrassment of taking the pictures (for insurance purposes) I really was humiliated about the whole thing. My husband didn't really say much, he said it was protocol and it's over with. My daughter however proceeded to say there was no reason why I should have it done, I'm skinny enough, and I'm gonna look sickly. I told her that she should be supportive in anything I do and not against me. She just didn't say anything after that. The weekend was pretty quiet, nothing really to brag about. The weather was hot and humid and who really wants to do anything that's going to make you sweat some more!

Welp, that's all for now, see ya in a few days with my 10-month blog weight status.

June 21st...

I haven't blogged in quite sometime, really dont have anything to share honestly. Work seems to be getting worse and worse and praying that the light at the end of the tunnel would soon make an appearance.

I started playing softball on May 23rd and it's been pretty fun, it always is really. I've been looking for a job within my facility as well as outside. It's just that bad now. I feel Im a little bit more stressed than I need to be, my wanting "food" seems to be greater because of the added stress. I do however have an appointment with the plastic surgeon tomorrow, to decide whether or not to have the excess skin removed from my abdominal area. Really the insurance has the final say so in the whole matter. Im keeping my fingers crossed that things go in my favor and I can have this outpatient procedure soon rather than later.

I will be posting on montly blog with a picture as routine BUT I came across this picture that was taken back in May 2012 BEFORE I decided to attend the bariactric seminar. I was sitting in the backyard playing with my dogs and was going to play a game on my husbands phone. This particular picture he has on his background and I asked him "why do you have this GOD awful picture as a background". He replied "what's wrong with it? I think its a beautiful picture, the best one of you I have ever had." Though the words he just expressed were actually one of the few words EVER expressed to me about me in general, this picture made me cry. Just looking at it, I feel that I still look that way. I tell you, a person's mind is their own worse enemy. We at least my mind is my worse enemy. I suppose it will continue to be until I can actually can appreciate what I look like in the mirror. Anyways, this picture was a rude awakening/flashback of how I DONT EVER WANT TO LOOK LIKE AGAIN!

Sorry, I cant figure out how to rotate the picture, grrr!

June 6th...

I haven't been able to post until now (June 11th). It's been pretty crazy. Work is terribly stressing me out, its so unorganized, two nurses finally were hired to replace the two that left but in the meantime of them getting trained, mentored or whatever you wanna call it, it's still a mad house here. Ive noticed that I'm trying to eat more and more with the stress that I'm feeling and it truly has me worried. I definitely don't want to gain weight, I find my mood worse the pass couple of weeks because of work and I find myself sad and "wanting" food! Something has to change or I feel like I'm going to be on a downward spiral feeling out of control.

To add to the stress, my delay in blogging was mainly due to work and also my brother had a heart attack on Saturday June 1st. I've been spending time with him before, during, and after work. He was finally discharged on June 8th. Seeing him laying there in bed took me back to the days when my father was in and out of the hospital and eventually died in the hospital. I swear all these emotions are going thru me that all I want to do it eat to console myself. He's doing better, he'll be off work for the next 3 weeks. His current situation at home, him being the only sole provider for his home really has him feeling like he's drowning. It makes me mad that the poor excuse of a "girlfriend" doesn't step up and help in some form or another. Him verbally telling me all his problems makes me real sad that I wish I could just snap my fingers and everything with everyone that I love just gets fixed. That would be great if I was in an episode of "bewitch" but the reality of it all is that I'm not on tv and my snapping of the fingers just ain't gonna work. :(

On a brighter note, my great nephew Tylor graduated high school. That's such a huge accomplishment for any "Becerra" family member and it seems that we have finally broken the expectations of back in the day where not one family member finished school. Very proud of him. My sister-in-law Jan also surprised us all on Saturday June 8th with a surprise visit from Florida. We were all in shock to see her! Sunday dinner was served like old times and it was a day where I actually felt like a family. It's a feeling indescribable.

I really don't have much to blog. I've been pretty stressed and hoping things get better here. I'm going to start looking elsewhere for a job internally and externally. I've been feeling real sad and am trying my hardest to fight it.

Lastly, I did weigh myself and if anything I gained half a pound. I'm at 154.8. That saddens me even more. :( Here's my recent picture for June.

Thats all for now. Bye.

Last day of May...

Where should I start? Even thinking what I have to blog about makes me wanna cry. What else is new right? It seems I get older and cry more and more as the days pass me by.

My birthday has come and gone. It was bittersweet, if that's even the right word to use. Friday May 24th, I had a pretty awesome day. Spent the entire day with the man who captured my heart as a little girl. We went to the arboretum and walked and walked that whole place. Thou I am not a fan of plants, walking helped me get my exercise in and most importantly, spend quality time with this man whose time is always limited when it comes to me. Here are some of the pictures from that day...

We went home at the usual time (when people expect us to be home during a work week) and dinner was planned that evening with my close best friends. We went to a sports bar that I celebrated at last year, the food is awesome, the garlic waffle fries are to die for! My love even went to dinner with us as well, what more could I have asked for on this day! It will definitely be one of the best birthday's ever to remember. I was a tad bit upset that my friend Nadine didn't go, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I suppose this day was also another reminder that we have parted ways and distance only shows me just how much. Nonetheless, I had a good time and here are the people that mean the most to me...

Ironically enough, Nadine and I bought tickets to the crosstown that happens every year in our great city. I was honestly waiting for the text from her to say she was canceling or some excuse for not making it. She did however surprise me and kept the date. We talked about her mostly, what's been going on with her, the guys she's dating, the good money she makes at her new job, and not once did she even ask how I was doing, how am I feeling, nothing at all. It's cool, I don't think with the way I have been feeling that I would've shared anything anymore with her. I mean, I'll bullshit with her, shoot the breeze per say, but personal things a person would share with a good friend, yea, that's not gonna happen anytime soon if ever. Especially with her. Anyways, here are some pictures from that night...

Unfortunately, the Sox were swept in the entire series of the crosstown match up but I had a good time. The Crosstown was on Monday, May 27th.

My actual birthday, May 26th. Where should I start...I guess there is really not much to share. I cried some more, cried that my husband goes out of his way to upset me, my one twin Sandy spent the day with me, while my oldest daughter had to remain downstairs to keep her loser boyfriend company because she knows I rather not socilalize with him at all. My other twin Vero, yea she texted me around 5 that evening, because she's another one, has to be up her boyfriends ass and not focus on the important things in life, you know like "mom". I went to go see Fast and Furious 6 with my husband and Sandy and it was a pretty good movie. We went to Chili's and had dinner. That was the brunt of the whole day. We got home pretty early, probably 7 and of course my husband didn't want to go to 2 different bbq's that we were invited to. I wind up going to one of my male besties bbq's (Nelson) with Sandy. This is were Sandy and I had the most quality time I think we ever had. That 20 minute drive, so much was shared, I will never forget that. I told her how proud I am of her, never to give up on her dreams, I shared with her my dreams, my fears, if I had the money I would divorce her dad and the reason's why I felt that way. To my surprise, she did not scold me, she sat there and just listened. She actually said she wasn't going to see me any different and even encouraged me to fulfill my dreams. Easier said than done but not out of the picture! I miss my girls, all three of them. I miss holding them on my lap, holding their hands, I miss them looking at me with that look that "mommy is my world". I sat at the dinner with my friends that one night and just looked in awe at how those two little girls my friend had, were now mommies with children of their own. This feeling came over me, I cant even describe it, but other than jealousy, it made me smile to know that they had grown into beautiful young women with a good head on their shoulders, doing what they needed to do to get shit done and growing and growing each day individually and with their children. I'm not gonna lie and say that I don't wanna be a grandma, but like I posted in an earlier post, I'll be a happy grandma when my girls are stable and doing what they need to do to get shit done without the help of anyone.

What else is going on??? I've been working pretty long hours at work because they haven't hired anyone and it seems that my work never gets done and the piles keep stacking up. I've been working about 10-12 hours a day. Oh and softball started on May 23 so I'm pretty excited about the season! I tried my hand at bowling on Wednesday, May 29th and since my 10-year hiatus, I bowled terribly. My first game was an all gutter game (never in my life did I ever bowl and G-game), my second game was 69 and the third game was 107. Mind you, I used to average a 161. Boy did those games bumm me out lol. The love of my life has been acting differently and I'm not sure why. It seems that I cry more and more as days pass due to him versus smiling. Its not normal, its really sad in my eyes and as much as I would love to spend time with him and know its not possible, you would think that I would still be smiling because I have something in life to look forward to. I'm not saying a "life" with him, but just a text, a simple talk or walk when possible, something that gets me through the day, my "life" in general. I've been thinking more and more each day that perhaps God punishes me for the decisions I have made, the decisions I make in general and some sort of punishment for being the person I am. The distance amongst my friends, the loneliness I feel, the guilt I feel about my surgery, all these emotions God is making me feel is my punishment for the person that I am. I cant be mad at God, he does the things he does for a reason and all I can do is accept them.

I have a vendor event at a park this Sunday and then another vendor event on June 14th. Hoping to be more successful than the last one at Paisan's. We'll see how God handles those for me.

I wont post anything about my weight until June 6th. Hopefully I lost some weight, but with the stress I've been feeling lately, Ive been eating a whole lot and out of the ordinary which also has got me bummed out and feeling very defeated. I need positive vibes thrown my way and I hope soon. Well, I guess I'll be back on June 6th. Bye.

Tuesday, May 21st

Just a quick blog note to get the thoughts outta my mind. I had a pretty awesome Monday, its very unusual since Monday's can be quite caotic. Everything was going well. I went along with the routine of a Monday, excercised during lunch (walked around the campus twice which is two miles) and then it happened. I went to the store, looking for a cute outfit or something to wear this weekend, my birthday weekend. I picked out like 12 different things to try on in the fitting room, something else I don't normally do. Twelve outfits and two somewhat caught my eye. It was a jumper, one basic black and one with dimensional graphics (you know to hide the obvious fat). As much as I loved the dimensional one, I put it back. I actually felt anxiety. I let that damn demon in my head get the best of me. It kept telling me that "your not that cute to be wearing something that" and the other demon was of my oldest daughter putting me down telling me that I'm not young and me losing weight trying to be a teenager kept playing in my head. I looked in the mirror and all I heard was those things playing in my head. I did send a picture of my outfit, one to my friend and one to my husband. Of course my friend liked it and said it looked cute, my husband on the other hand didn't even reply. NO SURPRISE there. It's unreal how guilty I feel for succeeding in my weight loss. ITS CRAZY to me that I feel guilty. I've lost friends because of this. I feel like they have distanced themselves from me. Why? I'm still me! I don't talk about my weight loss, I don't flaunt it purposely. I wear different clothes, not skin tight clothes but I'm not trying to flaunt my weight loss. If anything, I find myself "hiding" even more from people. Every time someone stops me and wants to talk about my weight loss I hurry up and change the subject. Why? Because I don't want to talk about me, I don't want to sound like I'm bragging. Its crazy how I'm so worried about what everyone else thinks that I don't even want to celebrate "me". It's crazy, I cry about it more now, never would I have thought in a million years I'd be crying because of my weight loss. I've about given more than half of my closet away either to people or good will and literally have little clothes. I haven't shopped (except for yesterday and didn't even get the jumper), I go to the second hand store every now and then and that's about it. My emotions are all over the place. All I know is that I'm more stressed and the need for food is getting stronger. I come to work stressed, work stresses me, my home stresses me, and now my so-called-friends are acting shady that it saddens me that I cant even turn to them for a chuckle here and there. Thankfully, there are still a few that can make me laugh and get my mind off what is troubling me. Yet, they are in the dark of what is going on. I wont tell them. What for?

I truly try to be a positive person. I really do. I realize that toxic people are in my life (mainly my home, especially my husband) and I feel that when I'm around toxic people, my whole internal flame, you know the positive flame, the flame telling you "you can do it and conquer all" seems to die when I'm around toxic people. I feel myself shut down. It's not like I can avoid the majority of the toxic people, I live with them. The outside toxic, thankfully I can just walk away from. I feel that after my surgery, my emotions are all over the place. I think I might have mentioned my emotions somewhere in other posts and I still truly believe that my emotions are all over the place. Like some type of chemical imbalance. I feel like I forget things quickly, attention span is less than usual, my agitation is on high with just the slightest choice of words spoken to me. ITS CRAZY!!! It really saddens me period.

Well, I'm trying to remain positive about my birthday weekend but something tells me I'll be doing more crying in private than smiling like a normal human being should be. I guess stay tuned.

I have an appointment to meet with my nutritionist, psych doctor, and bariatric doctor today. Can't wait to speak to my nutritionist and to the psych doctor. I need help curbing my need to eat when stressed and see if my emotions can be controlled when I talk to my psych doctor. :(

Mother's Day like no other...

Mother's Day has come and gone and thou I was expecting tears, argument's, and more tears, I can actually say for once that did not happen this year. My one twin Sandy gave me a cheetah blanket that she made  the little fringes around the base of the blanket. Love it! My twin Veronica took me out for breakfast. My oldest Bianca wind up getting hit by a car on Friday while leaving work, was limping around Saturday and complained of pain YET declined to go be seen. Sunday comes around and we're having breakfast and I notice the foot getting bigger and more purple so we go to the urgent care clinic. Couple hours later and it is confirmed that she indeed has a broken ankle! Bianca did see the driver, how it happened is crazy but nonetheless, she seen the driver, he dragged her a few seconds on her bike, she fell and without much time or even clear thinking, she was worried about getting hit by other cars that she didn't get a chance to see the plates of the truck. She does remember how he looks, the truck was an older dull red truck opened on the back and we did file a police report. This girl is more worried about losing her job and wanting to go back to work right away than her health!

As for me, I've been feeling kinda sick. I did have dumping last week Wednesday that lasted until Friday. Saturday comes around and now I have severe abdominal pain that will not go away. It feels like I have severe menstrual cramps. My stomach is hard to the touch. I am gassy and even thou I have had bowel movements since Saturday when it all started, I still have abdominal pain, gassy at times but nothing comes out. I have tried gas-ex, prunes, and coffee with no relief. If things don't get better I will be going to the ER because this pain, which come in spurts, is horrible.

That's all for now. Here is my oldest while our visit to the urgent care clinic.

May 6th, 2013...

Well here I am, 9 months out since surgery and feeling all sorts of emotions. They range from self emotions to the emotions of others close to me. Cinco de Mayo just passed and I did not indulge in the usual drinking that Cinco de Mayo usually brings. My weekend was pretty quiet. Saturday I went to go work out. Usually I don't go work out on the weekends but since Tuesday and Wednesday I wont have time to go work out, I figured I'd make it up some how and not feel guilty about it. (I have to take my oldest to Truman college to take her GED exams, I'm praying that she passes this time around). Anyways, I went to go work out and then I had planned to meet my friend Nadine at the bowling alley near my home to pick up a package that she had of mine. I went home after the gym and played with my dogs in the yard while I waited til it was time to go by Nadine. My twin Sandy was home and I asked her if she'd like to take a walk with me. She actually said yes. She's been bummed about her weight so she has now started watching her food intake and started working out. It made me pretty happy when she asked my advise on how to eat properly. So we walked to the bowling alley and met with Nadine. We didn't stay long because Sandy had to get ready for work. While there, Nadine invited me to a bbq at 7:00 and I said "sure" no problem, just call me and we'll go. That was that. The remainder of the day I sat and made some scarves for the vendor event I have for May 9th. So now here it is 7:30pm and no word from Nadine. Nada, no call, no text, nada. I suppose I could've called but lately there has been noticeable changes with her so I guess I was putting her thru a test and hoping that I was wrong with my gut instincts. I took my twin to her friends house around 9:00 and while I was at a stop light, I looked at my FB page. There I would notice that Nadine is at a bar with friends drinking it up. So I texted her and asked her "so I guess you opted out the bbq?". She said "yea, I was doing things around the house, poonie's friend came over and I left, I forgot to call you". Hmmm...how does one "forget" to call a person knowing that they had made plans? She proceeded to say "is it too late for you to come out? Come meet me". Welp, the fact that she said "is it too late" made me sad to the obvious that I have a "master" and the fact that she said "I forgot" really pissed me off. I just replied "since you forgot, it was for a reason and I'll pass on the outing today, have fun, talk to you tomorrow". There's emotion #1. Hurt. It's cool though. I've been noticing that Nadine is been excluding me from the outings with our mutual friends, not that I hang with them EVERYDAY but nonetheless, they are not strangers to me and I've known for a pretty long time. The last time I seen one friend in particular, it was at Nadine's house which I blogged earlier about and she seems to tag me in FB to come out, do this or that, and just include me in in whatever they are doing. Yea, Nadine has "forgot" to mention a birthday outing and now an outing that she was at that night with that particular person and other mutual friends. So my gut instinct is correct, emotion #2, jealousy. UNREAL! It's cool though, whatever gets a person thru the day. Lets not forget that I have an outing with Nadine May 27 to Sox park and Im contemplating selling my ticket so she can go with her friend. It all sounds PETTY, yes I know but why be around a person who feels that way about you?

Emotion #3...Guilt. Some people don't seem to understand that when I go to a bar and just "chill" with them. It really discourages me in wanting to hang out because some people just don't respect when I say "I just can't". I'm super happy that I'm losing weight but as I start to see people, the routine people I should say, I'm starting to feel guilty. They all smile, they compliment, BUT they also judge my decision, judge me because I cant drink, judge me because I'm cautious of what I eat when I sit down to order something or just life in general. I don't like answering questions about my weight, I don't like answering questions of what I eat, etc. I don't want to voice an opinion on clothes, on food, nothing.  OH AND LETS NOT MENTION my ideal "skinny" compared to someone else's "ideal skinny". I wanna look a certain way period. God forbid I tell anyone, all I hear "oh that's too skinny, that sickly, oh that's never gonna happen".  Ugh, I just rather just talk about what's going on with everyone and their life and just "opt out " on my behalf. Selfish? It's crazy how I feel guilty for losing weight. It's crazy how my own daughter can put me down for losing weight and say I'm "trying to be a teenager again". Just the other day she commented on a picture on FB, it was of me at the Sox game with Nadine and she commented "I miss this mommy". How crazy is that!!! It's pretty sad.

Emotion#4...sadness/loneliness. It makes me real sad that at home the one place I would expect emotional support really lacks in support. I'm sad that "friends" lack that support as well. Towana, she's been there every step of the way and even notices my facial reaction to when I'm getting full on food. She makes me laugh when she has the clothes on that I have passed onto her and says "don't you just love my new outfit". Lol. It's sad that the support is just not there by so many that I thought would support me. I wish I had someone who has gone thru the surgery so I can ask what it is that they feel. Ask their experiences. I'm lonely because just of what I just mentioned above. Any weight loss, any new size, the tv appearance or videos, ANYTHING at all I cant share because either there is no one to share it with or the person I do share it with REALLY is just wishing all evil vibes to me.

All this makes it more and more hard for me to come out of my shell, my introverness stronger, my need to keep to myself greater and just become a skinny shy person, rather than the FAT shy person. Like I said before, if people only really knew what demons I battle internally and in life general, they'd truly be surprised.

Anyways, I weighed myself last week Thursday and it said 155, I actually gained a pound. Go figure. I took a before and after picture on Saturday with that weight in mind. Today, the actually weigh-in, I weighed myself early this morning and I weight 152.8 pounds. So hopefully I have broken my plateau and will start losing weight now. I have 30 pounds to loose still. That's 10/month before my 1-year anniversary.

With that being said, here are my pictures...



May 6th, 2013 - 152.8 pounds



Univision Possibility...

This morning as I get to work I usually do this and that and then sit at my desk and start my day. I'll check my e-mails for any patient information that I may need to know and came across this e-mail:

Blanca:

Would you be interested in appearing on Univision with Yvette Cisneros from the Loyola center to talk about the weight loss program?

The date would be Tuesday, July 16 at 7 pm and you would be instudio in a taped interview with Jorge Barbosa and Angelica Antondo.

The interview would be about 20 minutes and you would be sitting at the news desk with the anchors.

The segment would run at 10 pm on Tuesday, July 16.

I would provide you with the questions in advance that they would ask.

Thank you for your consideration,

Stasia

 

If anyone knows me, my adrenaline started pumping, not because of being stoked about being interviewed but the fact that I'll need to speak Spanish appropriately AND THEN because I'll be put on TV. I don't think I'll ever get over being shy around new things or people. UGH but I have stated that I need to come out my shell and be more outgoing rather than an introvert.

 

I will post again next week with my weight and an updated picture. Happy Friday!

World without love???

What is it with world? Maybe I should say, what is it with the people I give my heart to, I gave birth to, people I make feel good on a daily basis, I TRY to smile and be "positive" because they all say I'm so negative. Why is it when I voice my opinion they take it as a negative remark versus just a way I see things of how they look unless clearly justified or perhaps I'm looking into the future of the "what if, worse-case scenario" and not meant to be a negative person. I'm so fuckin mentally drained, I swear I think about suicide at least once a day if not more depending on the day and how fucked up it has been. I swear the people related to me namely my kids, my fuckin husband drain the FUCKIN LIFE OUTTA ME. My kids are still self-absorbed and my husband can't be happy for me FOR NOTHING not even if his fuckin life depended on it. My supposed close friend Nadine made me feel like an outcast last Friday all because she wanted the truth about a guy she likes, I inquired and told her what she wanted to know even the bad news and now she outs me. WTF is that! I asked my husband last week if I could have a bbq for my birthday, just my close friends (mind you that its not many, a handful) and he said he'd think it over. Today I text him to see if he'd like to have it on a Saturday or a Sunday and his reply was "Im not crazy about inviting everybody why cant it just be us"? Why is it that I felt the need when he turned 40 to throw him a big bash, he has a fantastic time and YET here I am, turning 43 and yet to have a party for me. Why is it that he feels the need at any given moment, minute, second he has to show me my worth to him. A man who claims to LOVE ME SO MUCH, DONT EVER LEAVE ME, I"LL CHANGE BLAH BLAH BLAH and here I am fuckin CRYING!!! How can I continuously overlook his faults day in and day out and have my spirit just killed little by little by EVERYONE I love? The more fucked up thing about it is, if I were to die and lets move forward to the wake, ALL THESE MOTHER FUCKERS that treated me poorly are now crying! WHAT FUCKIN HYPOCRITES!!!! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!! What a fucked up way to be thinking I tell myself but I have more hate than love, more jealously than contentment, more tears than smiles, and definitely more sadness than happiness. LIFE IS JUST FUCKED UP. Why does God want me to be this way??? Was I such a bad person younger?? Why have me born into this life? Should I be mad at God for making me feel this? Should I be mad at myself because I lack so many things in life that Im stuck where Im at? Its funny how people say leave the current situation without really thinking it thru. Yea just leave the house. Yea sure, where do I go with no fuckin money? A friends house? YEA RIGHT and burden them? Its so fuckin easy to leave, so fuckin easy to say to leave. Sure, let me live in my car, change and shower at work? Yep, I"ve thought about it already. Im tired. Then people wonder why I keep shit to myself. Why talk about it??? Why burden them with my fucked up life when they got shit of their own to deal with? I wasn't born to rely on them let alone burden them.

Whats more fucked up is, here I am, being displayed throughout the hospital, this patient who has lost so much weight, her success and whatnot and here I am walking the halls smiling at everyone and deep inside all I wanna do is be dead. How fucked up is that? So many people would be shocked if I ever took my life. Like you see on tv, it was so sudden, came outta nowhere. Yep that would be me. I'd leave in a blink of an eye and no one would know or have a clue.

Just having a fucked up day. I suppose it was going good until I got the text from my damn husband. Last night I got confirmation that I would be able to be a vendor and sell my scarves next week and I was pretty stoked/nervous about it. I cant say that Im surprised about not having a bbq, hense why I said I asked him if I could and he'd be able to think about it BUT I guess I thought "if he loves me he will tolerate my request" but nope, its not the case. Fuck it! After all it is his house and I'm just a tenant. I really shouldn't be surprised. I set myself up for the disappointment and I should've just not asked at all and I wouldn't be here writing this blog. I'm tired, tired of people lying to me, tired of people treating me like shit, tired of living. I suppose blogging is better right now that looking for an excuse of being alone and pondering life. I seen "what dreams may come" this passed Sunday and its such a sad movie. Wife looses her kids and four years later looses her husband only to commit suicide. Her husband tries to get her back from being a lost soul. How sad is that but he loves her. Ironic thing to me, I'm fucked in life and I"d be fucked in death, suicide would make me a lost soul, no golden gates for me or the fires of hell, just a lost soul. Even dead I'd be alone!

April 17th...

It's been awhile since I've blogged. It's been pretty crazy at work where I cant even collect my thoughts because I have things thrown at me from every which way I look. I took the chance today to write a little blog before it truly becomes madness again here. Lets see where should I start? Monday, April 15th I had my appointment with the plastic surgeon regarding my abdomen area. I nearly broke down when he asked me what I was doing there and why I felt I needed a "tummy tuck". I the proceeded to feel totally humiliated when the time came for him to view, touch, exam my troubled area. I felt like breaking down in the elevator while going back to work. I know he has seen much worse cases than my case but nonetheless my troubled area is my worse case that I see on a daily basis whether it be little or small in other peoples eyes. I was weighed and from past medical encounters in the system which was my visit with the bariatric team in February, my weight has remained the same since February which is 155. YES I HAVE IT THE PLATEAU that everyone seems to talk about at one point or another in their weight loss. That also kinda bummed me out. Even thou I did not gain weight and I remain stable, I would still like to have seen some sort of weight decrease. The doctor proceeded to ask me what it was in mind that I wanted, was at my goal weight, and when do I want to proceed with the tummy tuck. Of course, he would have to put the paperwork thru insurance and see if it would get approve. My reply was, I am almost at the goal weight my surgeon wants me to be at (150) but MY GOAL weight is 125, I'd like to have a tummy tuck but perhaps closer to August, since August would be my year. Ideally he states that I'd loose about 20 more pounds but the whole 30 to make it the complete 100 is likely not going to be seen. I REFUSE to hear that and I will try everything possible to make my 100 pound weight loss happen. I stated that I would may another appointment to see him in August and hopefully arrange surgery shortly after that appointment.

I swear, before sitting down to blog, I have all these things in my head that I want to write down yet when I actually sit here and blog, I FORGET EVERYTHING!

OH!  So I got an e-mail which read:

Blanca,
Our Bariatrics team would like us to do a follow-up interview with you to add to the original video. They are thrilled with how you're doing and would like you to talk about your progress.
We can do the taping here at Loyola somewhere, at your convenience.
Let me know if this is something you'd be willing to do.

So I will be doing a follow-up video on Monday 22nd at 1:00pm. I'm flattered yet feel like I have really achieved anything because I have a long way to reach my goal weight. Nonetheless, if this video inspires anyone then I guess my words to whomever makes it worth it.

I'm still actively looking internal and external for a new job. Things here are crazy and very disorganized and just pretty overwhelming. I hate to be in an enviornment that is so unorganized that there is no structure seen in the near future. People I work with are pretty cool but lately I have been feeling its time to move onto bigger and better things and better myself one way or another. Pray for me and I hope God puts something good in my path. I'm not complaining, if its God's will, it will happen.

I did pretty well in selling my scarves and jewelry at a fundraiser here at work, made about $350.00 and just this pass Sunday I sold about $65.00 worth in jewelry. Baby steps! :)

Okay, that's all for now. I'll try to blog more frequently but not promising anything! :)

APRIL 5th...

Geesh, its Friday, where do I start? Shall I start with I woke up feeling sad today. The weather outside is brisk, sunny, and its supposed to go up to 45 today. Why am I sad? I have no clue, just feeling a bit emotional today. I cant even explain it. I feel like something is missing inside/outside/mentally/physically. Pick one, anyone, and I would be able to tell ya what's missing from every single one of those listed. I think I'm sad because yesterday I didn't go to the gym BUT I did however go to the park to get a walk/run in. I was there from 7:30-8:45pm. I ran the park 3 times and walked it 3 times. Running on a treadmill in a gym is TOTALLY different from running on concrete. When I run at the gym on the treadmill, I can set the speed (5.1). At the gym I run for 5 minutes at the speed of 5.1 and then I walk for five minutes at the speed of 3.5 and alternate until my 5k is complete. I make the treadmill selection of a 5K and it takes me about 44-46 minutes to complete it. I'm not sure what the dynamiters of the park is but I did want to stay exercising at the park for the same time I'm at the gym. When I ran around the park, I was very winded and came to the harsh reality that gym and outdoors exercising is completely different. I felt defeated when I noticed that I was winded. I'm not saying that I'm not winded at the gym, because I am, but I felt different at the park. I kept pushing myself to keep going even though I really wanted to stop. On the treadmill I can monitor my running and whatnot but outdoors, its just a whole other ballgame. I dunno. I'm not gonna stop doing it. I tried it and I got a taste of it and I'm gonna work on it more and more until the winded feeling subsides.

I still have clothes in my closet that I try on and notice that they are baggy at the armpits or fall off my neck area which upsets me. Yes I'm happy that they are baggy and falling off but at the same time, trying to look semi-decent in an outfit it hard especially when funds are low. I cant keep going out every day or weekend to find clothes that fit. I love the second hand stores don't get me wrong but its FUNDS that prevent me from doing anything. My morning routine usually consists of determining what outfit I'm gonna wear, getting ready to get dressed and if its baggy, then it goes in a pile on the floor for donation. I think that's what got me down today as well this morning.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, getting a haircut...thinking EXTREME, like pixie extreme! I'm so unsatisfied with my looks. I'm not sure what is going on. I cant explain it. Something is missing and I have no clue what it could be.

Drum roll please................the magic number today is 154.8. :( That face pretty much sums it up. I hope I have not hit that dreaded plateau that everyone speaks of because I have such a long way to go. That number right there is another factor as to why I'm blue today. I have my appointment with the plastic surgeon on April 15th and hopefully plastic surgery for my abdomen is in my near future. Here's my 8-month picture:

I participated in a fundraiser yesterday, for the "healwithlovefoundation" and displayed my jewelry for the very first time and as well as my scarves. I made $282.00 from that showcase. I feel really stoked about that! My next vendor display will be at an open house that my friend is having April 14th. I also started a facebook page for "Myrtle's Bling" to show the stuff that I have made and is for sale. The website idea was going strong until my darling husband said "dont do it because you'll get taxed on it" and there went that idea. Facebook is about as close as I'll get to having a webiste. Better than nothing I guess. Better than me having to pull out my phone and show pictures when I can have one go to facebook and look at the things I made in the albums provided. My facebook page can  be found by searching "Myrtle's Bling" or drqqpy2@gmail.com. Hopefully it goes well there too. I swear, I had many thoughts in my head this morning as I started this blog but with all the interruptions in between blogging my damn thoughts went away and have no clue what I wanted to blog about. Grrrr! Bye for now!

Random thoughts...

So my scarf business has been pretty good (thank God). I'm selling scarfs at a minimal pace which I'm thankful for BUT many people ask about a "website" that they can go to for reference, to see what I have, etc. Since the beginning of me making and selling scarf's this has been the constant question...do you have a website? I'm lucky I even made any business cards! With that being said....I took the leap and inquired about creating a "website". Just typing it SCARES the shit outta me! I signed up for a 30-day free trial and if I like it I can continue with the "website" for 10.00/month fee. Not too bad right? Creating the website seems overwhelming right now, I got as far as just naming it. It will be MYRTLE BLING. The domain I have purchased and it will be www.myrtlebling.com. When its up and running and my anxiety dies down, I will post it everywhere for people to view. Just thinking about it right now has me with major ANXIETY!!! What matters right now is that I took the leap and PRAY that I don't flop.

I've come to realize that whatever dreams I may have, my FEAR is the biggest factor in any of my decision making. I'm so used to "dreaming" and not "leaping" because my mind is so programed to "FAILING" at anything I try. Reading that sentence makes me want to cry. I don't know if I'm super emotional today or the reality of "failing, my way of thinking, lack of encouragement/moral support and anything in between" prevents me from wanting to succeed in anything that pops in my head. I have dreams, I want things, but my FEAR ALWAYS gets the best of me. It sucks feeling alone in times like this. I wish I had someone to go thru with it all.

Tomorrow, Friday March 22nd they are having a fundraiser for my niece and the other young girl that passed away. I'm hoping for a big turn out (which I'm guessing it will be because they knew so many and were loved by even more). I'll post pictures next week of the turn out.

Memorial Benefit - March 22nd, 2013

In Memory of Sanj & Mish

Okay, I'm at work, I'm already crying and I don't need people to ask me "what's wrong". These are my random thoughts for the day and it's not even 10:00 yet! :(

St. Patricks Day Weekend...

In honor of St. Patrick's day weekend, I'll write my post in Green today! It's been quite a week from HELL. The location where I am currently based in seems to be getting worse and worse with people traffic, people conversing in or around the office located directly behind me (residents office for grades, schedules,etc). The noise is so off the hook that I would literally put my finger in my ear just so I can hear a patient on the phone. With my finger in my ear you would think people would get a fuckin clue BUT NOPE, no common courtesy whatsoever! I've complained to my boss about it but that didn't seem to be on the top of his list. I must remind myself that I am a mere secretary and just to deal with it. I'm going to post my shitty location just so you can get the gist of where I am, the location of the door where people come and go and where people stand directly behind my chair to joke, bitch, and anything else in this damn hallway!

My counter#Not a desk#work environment#My HELL!



My first 5K completion

 On a brighter note, earlier this week I managed to finish a 5K on the treadmill at Woman's workout world. I alternated 5 minutes of running and walking and finished the 5K in 51 minutes. I took a picture of that as well as "proof" to myself that I can do it. It may not seem like alot to people I may share it with but to me it's a big accomplishment because I never even attempted to do that in all my years of working out. I will try to concentrate more on running and adjusting my time to be less than 51 minutes. I guess I want to be around 30-45 minutes for completion.

Lastly, I went skipped the gym last night (I felt real guilty about it too!) and took my ass to the second hand store near my home. I stocked up on some blouses for around the house and bought to slacks. I hate being short, seems all slacks are super long on me where I have to roll them up and have a make-believe cuff. I also bought....wait for it....wait for it....a pair of jeans! They are a size 14 which bums me out because in slacks I'm a size 12 but nonetheless I bought a pair of jeans and they fit comfortably almost can say they fit very loosely as you will see. I don't feel the uncomfortable snuggish feeling at my waist which I love, I suppose I'm in between sizes and if it weren't for my dreaded abdomen, I believe I'd be maybe in a size 10 slacks and 12 jeans. I feel pretty confident in the way I look today with them on. Can't wait to sport smaller sizes! Here's me in my 1st pair of jeans! It has been over 10 years that I have put on a pair of jeans and I must admit I was very hesitant about it this morning, my head telling me to go for the sweatpants or the leggings. Have a great weekend!

March 7th...

So here it is, 7-months since my surgery, I feel pretty good, cant complain really. I have a few issues that urke me right now but working on them. My abdomen "site" is really bothering me. It bulges out and by that I mean fatty-wise. If it weren't for my midsection, I would really look like have lost weight. I am going to make an appointment to meet with a plastic surgeon. I'm not sure if they can do anything about my midsection because it really is not a medical necessity but at least I can say that I tried to have something done/fixed plus not sure if my insurance would cover it. AT LEAST I TRIED!

Ive been visiting the gym 4 days a week. I feel pretty good. I fight with myself every morning and when I get out of work about going to the gym but I always make myself go. Its hard to get into the swing of things but after my work out I feel pretty good, a sense of accomplishment and more determination to loose weight. I have a lot of people stopping me in the hospital halls telling me that they seen my video and that I didn't even look "that fat" to even have the surgery. I always tell them that I tried to hide it well!

Okay, so the drum roll please..........my weight today is 155. You will recall in earlier posts that my surgeon wants me to be at 150. You will also recall that my personal goal is to loose the whole 100 pounds (125). So I have a lot to go :( I have attached my 7-month picture for you as well as the 2nd part of the video for viewing. I'm wearing a size Large top still and pant size is 12. The pants are snug yet seem to have alot hanging by the crotch area. I guess my damn midsection plays a part in my deformed body. :( I refuse to try jeans again until I get to wear I wanna be (125 pounds) and  when I reach that goal and try on a pair of jeans, something tells me that my midsection will deter me from wearing them. :(




March 7th, 7-Months Post-op, 155 pounds



http://youtu.be/5UJIBDN9Hp0

Last day of February...

I haven't been on to blog since last week. I supposed it's because nothing exciting ever happens where I feel the need to blog at that precise moment. So I therefore blog just as the week is nearing its end.

Lets see...I joined the gym and have been going 4 times a week. I'm sore but I do bust my butt working out! Hard to get back into routine after a 2-year absence! Nonetheless, I'm back and back with a mission/vengeance! That's all that matters! I have weighed myself but I will not post what that weight is. I still want to continue to monitor my weight monthly. I did have my 6-month follow-up with Ashley and the psych doctor and my next appointments wont be until May. The appointments went well. OH AND BEFORE I FORGET, funny thing. I have spoken to many "lap band patients" and their experience of the need to sneeze or sneeze once they are full from eating. I have personally experienced stuffy nose when I am eating and feeling full. The craziest thing ever! What does a stomach have to do with the sinus? Just bizarre!

I have made the decision to proceed with making "frilly scarfs" and even sell some jewelry. Made the generic business card and will take it from there. I want to see how it goes or hear feedback and then decide if I want to proceed with this little business venture. I have 22 scarfs in total right now with the help of my husband. Its funny, I can come home from the gym and there he is making a scarf for the collection. He's pretty savy at it now, he can get two scarfs out in an evening before he goes to bed. I'm pretty impressed! The name I have chosen for my little business venture is "MYRTLE'S BLING" specializing in frilly scarfs and simple bling. Hope/praying I'm successful!

That's all for now. Here is my collection that I have right now in scarfs. The jewelry will be posted once I begin creating.

Frilly Scarfs (Summer Scarfs) : Prices $16 & $19

Ash Wednesday...

So where shall I begin on this gloomy-chilly morning. Not much has been new for me. Ummm lets see...I have gotten the courage to start selling some of my jewelry pieces and I have had great feedback on them which makes me more confident on my jewelry making. I have also started making summer scarfs. One day during lunch at work, a woman by the name of Karen showed me how to make them and for the pass month I have been making them and selling them for $16.00/scarf.

The second video was sent to me via e-mail which is the interview video of my bariatric experience. I honestly feel embarrassed by it, viewing it made me feel uncomfortable and only made me realize that I have such a long way to go. I can't attached the 2nd video yet but I did send the "okay" to the media director for publication and once that starts circulating then I will try to post the link or the keywords to search on YouTube. Here is the first video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C00PVLE3Deg&feature=share&list=PL6336825A1855CF65


Oh let's not forget that yesterday was FAT TUESDAY and those lovely puczki were roaming about thruout the department! YIKES! I love those things! I went the entire day without eating one and broke down on lunch and had a 1/4 of one. GUILTY is what I felt afterwards! UGH! But it was soooooo good! lol. Still feeling guilty as I type this. Now lets get those ashes today since today is Ash Wednesday!

Two weeks have passed and an article came out in the Chicago tribune about my nieces untimely death and the girl who is getting charged. I'm hoping the link will allow you to view it. http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/ct-met-fatal-dui-crash-0213-20130213,0,2863871.story 

I had all these thoughts in my head this morning about what to write and yet here I am searching for things to write about. Ugh! Well let me end this blog with two pictures...1) my summer scarfs that I have learned to make and 2) one of my and my puppy Frankie.

Summer Scarfs

Me & Frankie - February 2013