Nearing Year's End...

Welp, its been awhile since I've blogged, I think it was early December or something since I last blogged. Sorry. It's not that I have been busy or anything, I guess I just have nothing exciting to blog about or maybe the fact that I've been lazy lol. I haven't weighed myself so Im also sorry about that. December 7th  was my last clinic appointment and I weighed 170 on that day. I have not weighed myself since then. Pretty much scared to honestly.

I did have the video session on December 3rd. Pretty fun but mostly overwhelming. Im not a "spot light" type of person. So to be looked at, spoken to, etc was pretty overwhelming for me. Yes I can talk a person's ear off if given the chance BUT I guess once Im on the spot I buckled under pressure and couldnt think of not one thing to say. Ugh, just thinking about it I feel humiliated. Hopefully the video does come out nice and I dont look or sound like an idiot. I also was asked if I wanted to interview for the Spanish station "Univision" and thou I told her "no" because I feel that my Spanish was efficient enough, I did e-mail the correspondent (Stacia) and stated that I would do the interview if they were still interested in me. The English video will be edited sometime in January and when it will be shown I still dont know. Stay tuned for that announcement!

Yesterday was my mom's b-day. I was actually happy that I was able to fit in a dress that was a size "Large". It actually felt weird but most importantly it felt GREAT! I was feeling pretty good all day. I took my mom out for dinner with my husband and two of my daughters. By the end of dinner, my daughter's managed to put me in a terrible mood where I just wanted to get up and go cry in the bathroom or just get up and go home. It was hard to keep a happy face in front of my mom while inside I was filled with anger and anxiety. Why? The bill came and my oldest daughter "snatched" the bill out of my hands. That right there is rude to me. Dont "snatch" anything out of anyone's hand. I told her I was going to pay and she proceeds to tell me "I'll pay, you cant even afford it". How does this little girl know what I can or cant afford and who is this little girl? The lack of respect, the profanity under her breath and then think I dont hear just infuriated me. Who the fuck does she think she is??? I couldnt believe that a nice evening ended up ruined for me because the kids I brought up seemed to slipped thru the cracks somehow and now I have "animals" acting like this with me and who knows when Im not around. I guess I really failed as a parent and its apparent just by the way they all act. Im finding it harder and harder to be happy and ignoring the obvious in my life. Im convinced that my oldest as much problems she gave me from 8th grade thru high school will still be a disappointment to me even as an adult and I might as well come to terms with it and quit being in denial. I might as well come to terms that they all are destined to be failures and the only thing they will probably be good at is drinking, getting high, and popping out little bastards. I dont see any of them having their "own". Their own car, their own house, their own anything. I cant help but wonder WHY ME and wish I could turn back the hands of time and just try to be a good mom or not a mom at all. I cant help but be honest that sometimes I wish I was dead just to avoid all the heartache they continue to cause me. As luck would have it, life insurance doesnt pay out on "suicides". Im convinced that God just doesnt love me, pretty much gave up on me and I'm dealing with all this "FUCKEDUPNESS" for the rest of my "borrowed life".

Woke up feeling pretty bummed out from last night. On a brighter note, I spoke to the lady from media relations (Stacia), she wanted to do a small story on me and take my picture. Thank God I put on maroon today and had lipstick to "perk" me up for a picture. I also spoke to a friend of mine who inquired about my weight loss and the surgery. Actually Stacia was pretty interested in the surgery as well. I hope that I was able to answer their questions the best way that I could and hopefully they will decide to proceed with the surgery whether it be a lap band, sleeve gastrectomy or the total gastrectomy. I dont regret my surgery, Im still eating a 1/2 cup to a 1 cup of food at a sitting. Water intake is getting better slowly, I discontinued my cholesterol medicine and my vitamin D dose has been lowered. Im still a work in process and I have a long way to go. As I sit here and wonder what I want to achieve? What comes to mind right now is to achieve my desired weight (125) and to find the "happy" Blanca I used to be. My kids, my family, just life in general has drained me and I hope/pray that it gets better. I have alot of dreams and I hope that I dont stop dreaming because right now, the way I feel, the day I stop dreaming, I think will be the day I stop wanting to live. Pray is what I have to do to give me strength. That's all I have right now. :(

December 27th, 2012-170 pounds ?

Here's my most current picture.

December 7th...

Gosh where shall I start? I was given the opportunity to represent my bariatric surgeon and his facility by having an interview and be photographed by photographer Bob Cascerelli. Not sure how to spell his name but sounds something like that. This all transpired on December 4th. I was so nervous I felt like I was rambling on while being interviewed by the hospital media department. They all said I did well and the photos came out good. I beg to differ thou. I have yet to see either one lol. Im praying that I dont look or sound like some ebonic fool. I will keep you posted on that when it becomes available to me.

So Ive been feeling kinda bummed out. When dont I is the question. The month of December seems a bit harder for me, I lost my father December 7th, 2003. I feels like it was just yesterday. Things with my kids, well no news is good news I suppose and Im happy not to report anything on them today.

I weighed myself today since I wont have a doctor's follow-up visit until February. The magic number today is 170! It's been four months and Im averaging 9 pounds a month of weight loss. Im praying that by May I will be at 125. I am eating like the lean cusine dinners, usually under 300 calories. Im still popping all my vitamins and the intake of water remains the same. Ugh!!! I wont make this blog a long one, kinda feeling emotionally drained today.

December 4th-170 pounds

Oh and most importantly, here is my December picture. The outfit is actually what I wore for the interview and photoshoot.

OMG...

OMG!   Let me tell you what transpired yesterday! So I received a call from my surgeon's nurse at home last night. She was calling me to inform me that my surgeon wanted to know if I would be interested in being interviewed along with other patients about our weight loss journey/story. She didn't have alot of details but basically said I would sit and be asked questions about my experience with the bariatric team. The staff would also be interviewed and THEN it would be shown all around the hospital campus. HOLY ****!   I was getting nervous just thinking about it as she kept talking. Finally when she finished, I told her I would let her know by Thursday if I'd be interested. The interview is to take place and recorded on Tuesday, December 4th.

I'm a pretty much super shy individual . Lets not forget a very shy chubby individual. The thoughts of having people see me throughout the hospital system gave me some anxiety. I would be the girl walking down the hallway and people will stare, point, and maybe even laugh. I guess my chubby girl syndrome still lingers deep back in my head telling me these things could happen and truly probably wouldn't even happen. I asked three of my closest friends their thoughts on it and they all said "DO IT". Their reason's were pretty much all the same "to inspire" someone else to "go for it".

Never did I intend to be considered as an "inspiration". I'm still trying to find myself, get used to that fact that I will indeed be a transitioned slimmer individual and perhaps not as SHY as I am. Lets not forget that I weighed 225 before surgery and I currently weigh 176. It's not much of a weight loss, at least not in my eyes. So Im still kinda questioning "why me". I'm quite comfortable being "baby who is left in the corner" .

SO, today, I knew I would run into my surgeon (I work in the same hospital as he does and better yet, I work on the same floor his main office is located in, not the clinic but his main office). I tried drastically to avoid running into him this morning because I knew he had probably touched base with his nurse and she would tell him I'd give an answer this Thursday. My morning was going pretty good, I avoided running into him and about 9:00 wouldn't you know that he asks around the department my whereabouts and corners me in the copy room. He such a good guy! He plainly asks me if I would do the interview and just represent his office in general. OMG! How could I say "no"? I did tell him I'd let him know at the end of the day BUT I have decided and I am gonna do it. I'm not sure how much I can help another individual but what I do know and I gave it alot of thought last night and today, MY surgery is like a tattoo, people get a tattoo for symbolism. They get a tattoo to make a statement and a tattoo is meant to be seen and not hidden. My surgery is my tattoo, its obvious that my body and appearance is changing. I'm going to get looks by everyone and I should be proud that I'm doing something good for me, something that makes me proud to have done, proud to be looked at other than as the chubby girl with a pretty smile. I'm truly honored that I was one of the patients he chose to be interviewed and displayed. Maybe GOD picked me so I can be comfortable with who I am rather than who I'm used to being. Its time to come out of my cocoon and let my wings be seen.

I'll keep you posted on the whole interview/recording journey. Wish me luck, IM GONNA NEED IT! YIKES!!!

November 27th...

So I've been meaning to blog but have been busy at work and I rarely get on the laptop at home. Im on the computer at work all day long that when Im home, a computer is the furthest from my mind.

Where shall I begin? I'll try not to make it long, I'll try to just blog what's been on my mind. Let's start with Thanksgiving. I didnt cook, I was supposed to go to my nieces house but didnt go because my loving husband didnt feel like going or doing anything. Thanksgiving thou he made sure to take his happy ass to his mom's house. I tried to get my mom to go to his mom's house so we could have something to do but she refused. I went to his mom's house for about an hour and then left. I came home and worked on some jewelery and watched some tv in a peace and quiet environment. Your now probably asking yourself if I ate anything. OF COURSE! I ate tablespoon portions of food. I had ham (protein), I had brocolli salad (cheesy and the sweet kind) and I tried to eat stuff shells but that didnt go so well so I left that on my plate. I had a slice of jello and a small portion of a banana split sundae cake. Im still feeling the guilt of eating the non-healthy helpings, whether they be small or not, they were still unhealthy.

I've noticed that when I eat, I get an uneasy feeling if I eat and drink at the same time. Yes I know Im supposed to drink 30 minutes before eating and then drink liquids 30 minutes after eating but because Im so used to doing both at the same time, it does have his disadvantages now, especially the "airpocket" feeling that happens everytime I do this. I also noticed that when Im getting full or my sleeve is nearing fullness, I will start to burp and that's my sign to STOP! Im cool with that!

I wont have a doctors appointment until February so thats a pretty long time not to be weighed. I dont feel any skinnier nor do I look any skinner. Im praying that by February I'll have lost some more. I've taken some pictures here and there with friends BUT I have become a little bit saddened by them. I still see the chubby girl, I still see my rolls thru my blouses or shirts and it makes me sad. Times like this is where I start regretting my surgery and wished I had gotten the gastric bypass rather than the sleeve. I desperately want to see the weight shed off like water instead of trickeling off me. My oldest daughter told me last night that I look anorexic. How funny is that?!? I wish! Its sad that I truly am telling the truth when I say "I wish". I was getting a haircut over the weekend and was telling the stylist about my surgery. Naturally they say what everyone else says "you werent fat" and blah blah blah. One stylist actually stated that she was trying to "gain weight" and she eats everything under the sun and cant gain squat! I swear, if one never speaks of anything, the other person would never know of their own personal battles. They were shocked to even hear that I want to weigh 125 (my start weight was 225). I see nothing wrong with this weight. My surgeon actually wants me at 150 and that's fat in my eyes. Its just my opinion for me and not for someone else going thru the same thing. What I see in the mirror will always be different what someone else sees of me and of themselves.  After all it is America and we are entitled to our opinions good or bad. This is what I want to weigh, this weight would make me happy, bones popping out everywhere on my body would make me happy. Its my honest opinion why would I say something someone wants to hear if it wasnt true.

Before ending this blog, I have two brighter notes to share...first, I was helping out at a church bazaar this past Sunday, I bought a pair of tights. The tight size was Medium/Tall (150-190 pounds) I liked them so much and I bought them even when my inner-voice was telling me that they were going to be small. Im glad to say that this morning I tried them on (while praying outloud "please fit, please fit" and even went as far as pulling out the plus size tights in case they didnt) and guess what! They indeed did fit! Im pretty happy about that. I know its silly but being fat/chubby really takes a toll on me and trying clothes on was always going to determine how my day was going to be, a good or a bad day. Know what I mean? You try something on and its snug so you go to your closet for something much more loose fitting. Meanwhile I would get bummed out if I had to return to my closet and get something bigger. Or be sad that it didnt fit and it only made me realize that I was indeed fat. Ugh, I tell ya, my mind is my worse enemy. 

Secondly, one of besties will be having her lapband surgery on December 3rd. She started her liquid diet on November 19th and shes doing real good even thru turkey day. If anyone is going to have success in this weight loss surgery its going to be her! I cant wait to start seeing her before and after pictures and hopefully she'll start blogging her experiences. She has many friends whom have had the lap band surgery and getting support is gonna be readily available for her.

Welp, thats all for now. Hope you have a great afternoon and week! :)

November 14th...

So the magic number for today is 176!!! I had my follow up appointments with my dietician, bariatric doctor, and the pysch doctor. All went well I am pleased to say! I always have anxiety when I walk thru the doors headed to the examination room and we make a sudden pitt stop at the dreaded scale. I walk towards it and pray that it doesnt make me cry. I take my shoes off and place one foot at a time. The scale blinks "weighing, weighing, weighing and BOOM! the numbers appear!" I swear it seems like hours for that damn number to appear! I seen that number and I smile ear to ear! The last time I was 176 was in 2007. I have fear of gaining or worse yet, not losing. I still have instilled in my head that I should be losing 10 pounds each month. I wont have another follow-up until February. That's 30 pounds that I will need to lose before February. Its scary!!! Its scary in all aspects of that word "LOSE". Just the thought that I havent been 176 since 2007 and then gained it all back, thats a fear. I guess in general, Im scared that I wont loose yet gain. Its a mind thing! Why cant I just be focused on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative and the what-ifs?!? Ugh, its a daily struggle, me and my fear. I hope it gets better. What makes it hard is that I cant turn to someone and ask them what their expereinces are. I have chewy's sister that is going the through the lap band experience but we're not that close to have daily conversations and discussions about weight loss. I look on the internet for video blogs or blogs in general about weight loss. I'll just have to keep motiviated and work on my inner demons.

So, lets see, the discussion with my pysch doctor was pretty interesting. I explained to her that I have anxiety coming to my appointments and getting on the scale. She states that its perfectly normal. I stated that I had anxiety getting rid of my clothes. She states that its perfectly normal. She also went to say that patients that have been over weight are so used to a certain lifestyle, the chubby lifestyle, that when we change/transform it's hard for us to accostume to it. Meaning, we're so used to doing or being chubby that we sometimes get scared to doing or being skinny. My axiety of getting rid of my clothes and the way I felt, you know fear of not losing weight and then not having any clothes that fit was my way of trying to stick to my chubby way of thinking. And its so true. The other day I was in a store, just browsing, and I looked at a blouse, and I automatically looked to see if they had my size, I looked for a 1x. Its habit! I am so used to looking for my size, 1x, x-large, etc that I didnt even think to look for a large or even think of trying it on. My mind is so programmed to be a 1x or x-large! This losing weight and eventually when I go shopping is something that I will have to train my mind to get used to. I am no longer going to be a full figured woman. I am actually going to be a skinny girl who is going to be able to go shop in the slender deparmtent of a store, able to pick up a blouse and look at it and say "yes, this is going to fit me" and not look for the biggest size available in that style. It sounds weird even typing it right now. Just this morning someone gave me a pair of size 12 jeans. Automatically my chubby inner voice started talking and said "oh, thanks but thats not gonna fit me". I didnt even try it on, yet I knew automatically that it wasn't gonna fit me! See how the mind works? My inner voice even told me that Im gonna cry when I try them on. I swear my mind is my own worse enemy. As I sit here typing this, I'm like having this discussion in my head "so what if they dont fit when you try them on, your going to continue losing weight and maybe when you try them on again, they too will also be too big". I have to continue to fight with my inner demon and I have to believe that I will be on top as the victor!

My discussion with the bariatric doctor was good. She is going to continue monitoring my blood levels, eventually take me off the cholesterol medication. I have blood tests due next month, first week of December and we'll see how that goes.

My discussion with Ashley, my dietcian, geesh where shall I start. It was a good discussion dont get me wrong but she was upset that my intake if that dreaded word "water" was not a major part of my lifestyle. I have to drink 64oz of water daily, Im lucky if I get 20oz of water on a daily basis. She explained the importance of water intake and the importance of protein. She stated protein helps with the hair loss and it fights fatique througout the day. Always start your food intake with protein before any meal and it will help with your metabolism. She stated that I have to have 150 hours of excercise. So thats 30 minutes or more of any type of excercise. OMG! How easy is that! Walking, running, biking, dancing, etc! Oh and lets not forget my need to throw up if a food gets lodged. Both the pysch doctor and Ashley were concerened about that. They want to keep monitoring that...fear of becoming dependent on the need to purge if lodging happens, fear of my body becoming dependent on that sensation, and of course fear of me becoming bulemic. HA! That right there, that word "BULEMIC" is funny. Me bulemic? I wanted to tell them both, "have you seen my ass?" HA! Bulemic-schemic! I could only be so lucky! LOL. In all seriousness, I understand where they are coming from and I respect that. Ashley also stated that I can introduce lean cuisines or weight watchers entres to my diet. Since Im having issues with bread and rice products, I should stay clear of those of course. So that pretty much was my dietician encounter.

I swear, I start writing my blog and I have all these thoughts in my head YET when I start blogging, I have all these interuptions along the way (since Im at work) and then before I know it all my thoughts have disappeared. I guess I got the most importants thoughts out and Im sure as Im doing something or making copies, my other thoughts will appear. I'll determine if they are important enough that they need to be blogged.

Ta'ta for now! :)

November 5th...

Okay so I'm a day early posting a blog but Monday's I'm usually alone in the office where I don't have to worry about people looking at my computer screen wondering what I'm doing, especially since its not work related.

My weekend was pretty nice. I did a 5K of the sort on Saturday. It was "Uno-Dia de Los Muertos 5K" and I walked it. Maybe next year I'll be able to run it rather than walk it. It started at 8:oo in the morning and there was so many people there. This was my first year doing it and let me tell ya, the atmosphere, the people, the music, was all so awesome. The "vibe" was so vibrant! I finished the race at 1:09, so yes, it took me an hour to do 3 miles. Hey! I finished it, that's all that matters!

As for me in general, I'm still having issues with my daughters, right now it's Vero who seems to be the rebellious one testing my strength. I was hurt to see that she got a tattoo on her hip, I seen it at a glance and when I questioned her, she would not let me see it and we got into another argument/confrontation. None of these girls seem to comprehend that we are not equal and them raising their voices or even making a suggestion that they are gonna hit me will not be tolerated and WILL trigger my inner defense AUTOMATICALLY! They may not love me, may not respect me, BUT I will remind them I am not one to be disrespected and if they wanna learn the hard way, then I'll be more than happy to accommodate. She hasn't been home since Friday. I'm guessing that the dumbass put her loser boyfriends name on her body. My husband tells me to let them do what they gotta do and learn the hard way. As easy as it is for him to say that, its still very hard to turn the other cheek because as I mom I believe that I have to try and prevent any and all harm from them. So I guess enough about the people that get me down on a daily basis.

I have my follow-up with my dietitian, psych, and bariatric doctor on November 13th. I weighed myself last week and I was at 181. I hope that I at least loose some more weight before my appointment with them. You will recall that October I was at 189. OH! I went thru my closet and got rid of alot of blouses, suits, and dresses that no longer fit. I'm still having anxiety of getting rid of my clothes because I still feel that "what if" I don't loose weight and have no clothes to put on. I tell ya, my mind messes with me a great deal!

Lastly, I am attaching 3 pictures, two are of my side and front view today (November 5th) and one is of the 5K race. Let me tell ya right now that I don't want to deceive you in my appearance. You see many people posing side ways or in dark clothing and I have alot of people tell me that I look good, that they can tell I have lost weight, etc BUT I see the same me. My front view picture really got me down today, I still look HuGe and I'm kinda bummed out about it today but I need to remind myself that it takes time and its not gonna happen over night. I'm just being honest, this is what I'm feeling right now, and my mind is my own worse enemy. Ever hear the beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder? My eyes see something totally different than what everyone else sees. :(
See ya soon!

November 5th-181 pounds

October 25th

I havent blogged since last week, thought I'd write some random thoughts that are bouncing around in my head...kinda looks like this:

1.  this office coffee, I swear taste's like it has nicotine in it.
2.  gotta dye my hair tonight to hide that silvery gray that keeping sparkling in any kind of light.
3.  my stomach pouch, why wont it go away, that little pouch better go away soon because it's getting me down.
4.  michelle's hair really looks cute and I can tell she feels good about her haircut.
5.  I swear this coffee has nicotine in, I gotta finish it and then go wash my teeth.
6.  I hope I dont get lost going to osweago next week for my dental appointment.
7.  I have not had a bowel movement since Saturday, October 20th, damn vitamins!
8.  have to schedule my patient appointments and do this QI graphs
9.  I feel like im gonna climb the walls today with this damn coffee
10.  what am I gonna do with those clothes that are on my closet floor
11.  feeling blue today even when its sunny outside
12.  my niece's birthday today, hope she hasnt cried today but something tells me she has
13.  towana's birthday tomorrow and I have no money to take her out :(


So as you can see many things bouncing around in my head all at once. Things at home were pretty bad on Monday and Tuesday but didnt blog about it. To hurtful to even write down. Yesterday was an "okay" day. No arguments and thou I shed tears usually in the morning, tears didnt pour out as bad yesterday. Yay! I went through a drawer yesterday of capri's that no longer fit. Two piles of capri's that are currently folded and sitting on my closet floor. I have more drawers of pants to go thru and then hit the closet to see what blouses no longer fit. Im currently a size 14, snuggish I wanna say but went from an 18 snug to a 14 snug. My extra large and 1x sweaters are starting to droop over my shoulders. YAY! Skirts are kinda baggy as well and the pants that I do wear you can see the space between my waist and the material and the bagginess in the crotch area. YAY! I must admit, though the clothes dont fit me, its hard for me to let them go. Weird? Nope, whats weird is that while going thru my clothes I was thinking "I should save these just in case I dont loose weight I'll have my clothes to fall back on". See! Im still feeling that I'm not gonna loose weight when it's obvious in my clothes and in my appearance that I am loosing. I tell ya, my mind is my own worse enemy!

I went to Lane Bryant yesterday, I bought 2 pants, size 14, jeggin material. Not too bad when I tried them on. Kinda feels weird to me to have something form fitting when all my life I have bought clothes big enough to hide my fat and unwanted curves. I have noticed my arms have more loose skin than before but at the same time look slimmer? Maybe it was always there and I just never noticed. I dunno. My collar bone, the thing I want to see the most in this weight loss is starting to show. My no neck appearance has suddenly seemed to appear and I have a neck. All this sounds weird but I guess you have to be a chubby girl to understand the things we see.

Eating remains the same. I can only eat so much but it has been awhile since I have thrown up. I stop eating as soon as I feel full. Even that last bite that I wanna take, I dont because I know that it will make me feel ill and then the need to vomit for relief. Water intake, yea the same! Im drinking it but not as I should be. Intake of food is still about 1/2 cup to 1 cup of food. Depending on what I am consuming. My follow-ups arent until next month.

Okay, thats all for right now, have to get back to work.

Hi, its Tuesday October 16th. I don't really have much today, weekend was rather boring, didnt do much, I guess because the weather was gloomy. Things at home are not good still, girls still come and go as they please, have a funky attitude and my husband's attitude towards me doesn't help matters. Just last night I argued with one of the twins and he got between us and scolded me rather than scold her for disrespecting. He told me "its my house" and that was a true slap in the face. So I told him I fully understood that its "his house" and cant wait to get the fuck out of it! How I wish I could wake up and all the stuff that has made me cry, mad and anything else in between could just go away when I opened my eyes. I wont ever say "what else can go wrong" just because I know it would happen to me. I'll continue to roll with the punches and keep on smiling.

Anyways, here's a picture of me today, hope you can see some change. My face is still fat and so is the body, but baby steps I suppose until I get where I need to be. The second picture with the black sweater was taken last Thursday but I was unable to post it. Enjoy and have a great day!

October 11th



October 16th



I was looking at my Facebook and I am subscribed to a gal, she's a runner and has lost a tremednous amount of weight. She always has great receipe's, excercise ideas, and words of encouragement. Today's encouragement caught my eye:

Losing weight is simple. Eat healthy and exercise. Its not the how that people struggle with.... Its the "do". The "do" comes from within, its a spark that turns into a fire that ignites your life. Motivation, determination, will-power, call it what you will, but until you find that you won't succeed. And no one can tell you how to get that either... that's something you are going to have to dig deep for and find yourself. Are you ready to change your life? Are you ready to create a new you? Are you ready to work your ass off every single day, struggling, crying and screaming? Its not easy... if it were easy everyone would be doing it right? You need to find your inner warrior and you need to be stronger than who you are today. GO.BE.STRONGER!

 

I'll have to remind myself of that when I look in the mirror and the demon's in my head start to play.

 

 

First weekend of October

Where should I start off at? First weekend of October and things were going okay on Friday til 3:15pm when I received a call from my husband who informs me to call our insurance agent because my twin Vero was in an accident. After finding out that she is okay, just shook up and they will "just talk to you when we get home" I figured everything was going to be okay. They get home I ask the who, what, where questions and its like pulling fuckin teeth. Like Im supposed to use my mind-reading powers and just move on. I ask where is the police report? "It's in my purse in my friend's car". Why I ask? Why is it in your friend's car when you just got off work? Why was your friend there? Im over here thinking that perhaps friends from work seen what happened and they stopped to comfort her. So two hours pass and this "friend" finally dropped off the report. Why did this friend park around the corner versus just beep in front of my house and just give her the report. Well I read the report, low and behold, the accident did not happen right after she got out of work, it happened at 8:44 in the morning. Why isnt my daughters name on the report? Oh that's because her loser boyfriend was once again driving the fuckin car? What is her story....oh this is good and it goes something like this....

"I was driving waiting to turn, some lady hits me from behind cuz she was in

a rush. I got out the car and the paramedics and cops came. The paramedics

said not to drive the car because it was leaking break fluid so my "friend" moved

the car to the side, the cops gave him a ticket for being behind the wheel

when he moved the car to the side. (mind you that he doesnt have a license)

I told them I was the one driving. I didnt

go with the paramedics and when I told the cop I was driving he still gave the ticket

to my friend."

Its funny how my husband read the report before me and didnt even notice the driver's written on the report. Funny how I read the report and noticed that very first before anything else! Oh and it gets better. I started asking the who, why's, and what's and she has the nerve to cop and attitude. And even more when I call her "friend" a loser. The same loser whom she got locked up with not even 3 weeks earlier and she still on the same BS. Oh and that's not the cherry on top of the cake. My husband, Vero and my other twin jumped on me and told me that Im a negative person, nothing good comes out my mouth. WAIT?!!! Did I get in this traffice accident? Was it me that let that loser drive? NOPE! Cuz if it was up to me it would've taken the car away with the first stupid ass inicident. NOPE that wasnt my choice! It was my husband's choice to turn the cheek as aways and has never changed! BUT IM THE BAD GUY for evening coming up with such an idea! And here we are, a car that might be totalled from rear end damage and because my stupid ass daughter rather than coming at us with the truth got caught up in a lie and couldn't answer the questions correctly let alone fast enough! I told my husband God forbid he could even say I was "right", no that would be too much, so lets just put me down some more. So after all that was said and done, naturally I sit on the couch, scolded for speakin my mind, I have to have a certain tone, say things a certain way so noone can take them as negativity. Naturally, Vero walks out and leaves because things are panning out her way, Sandy leaves because she says I have nothing good to say and Chewy leaves telling me ALL MY FAULTS. I sit there on the couch, more fuckin daggards BUT its cool. Like I told them, pray I die quickly for I like a dumb ass have gotten a pretty hansomely life insurance for them all to spend when Im gone. Its either that to gain my saninty or I'll come to terms and be leaving in my car sooner rather than later. Only God knows where he wants me to be. 

Saturday was pretty much quite. The girls never came home until early Sunday morning. Chewy ignorned me pretty much on Saturday so I spent some time with my nieces and nephew outside by a fire pit and just laughed. They didnt even have a clue that of what I was experiencing, going thru, and the thoughts that I was having. My family as dysfunctional as they are, sometimes that dysfunction is what I need to make me forget about my dysfunction at home. Seen some old grammer school friends Saturday night as well, good times and good laughs. Got does work wonders now that I sit here and type. Sunday was the annual Houby Day Parade. That lasted two hours, seen that, came home and then went to my softball game. I actually got to play, I was cather of course and I did hit the ball and ran pretty slowly but I had a good time. I went home and just made a few jewlery pieces and went to bed. I know, Im a plain girl living the plain life. LOL.

Here are my niece's and nephew. Love them! 

October 6th

Okay, so Im feeling a lil crummy today but not as bad as yesterday. A lil cry in the car on the way to work does the body wonders! So I just noticed that the 6th falls on a Saturday and naturally I wont be able to blog from home as I dont even get on the computer when I get home but thats only because Im on a computer Monday-Friday and being on one at home is not quite my desire.

So with that being said, here's my October picture status. Two-months post-sleeve gastrectomy surgery. Sorry for the bad lighting or bad picture on the bottom picture, this was taken in a hurry. The first picture was taken on September 29th at a birthday party.

I put my hands on my waist so you can get an idea where im at in that aspect, my tummy is still there and I know I said I didnt want to wear black clothing but it just happened that way today. I know its not much of a difference and I cant wait for the day when it does become noticable. So stick around for the ride! :)

Thought of the day...

As crummy as my day started off yesterday and gradually got better after weighing myself leave it to my husband to put me back in the crummy state of mind I started off with. Why? Only because I was excited to tell him that I lost weight. Did he express happiness, encouragement, anything? NOPE!!!! It sucks to have a partner for 20+ fuckin years and not once can he be the main person in your life be happy for you. Its draining. Little by little not only is the fat going away, but my spirit is just dying. I have a man who is so fuckin machismo, a fuckin man who supports and provides for his family BUT cant manage to make me happy and be supportative. He shot my dream down as a teen when I wanted to be a hairdresser what would or could possibly make him change as an adult man?! I should've went on my merry way and become the slut rather than listen to my mother whom said "you'll never find a good man like him".  And yes, Im the stupid ass who stays with him because like him, Im so used to him and make any excuse under the sun for him and his fuckin rotten behavior and attitude.

I hate talking about my kids, I hate talking about my marriage, and I hate talking about anything that pertains to me only because there is NEVER nothing positive. If there is some inkling of positivity, happiness, joy, etc that just gets shot down within a couple of hours! Why would I want to discuss this shit with anyone and bring them down. I dont need sympathy. Its like a black fuckin cloud that follows me everywhere I turn. Pig pen was even happier than I ever will.  Why is it that when I try to do for others, try to make them smile, anything, they shit on me? Why is it they say "good things come to those who wait" yet Im still waiting for a brighter fuckin day? Is there a fine print somewhere that states only kind-hearted souls apply to that rule and fuck the rest of the miserable people? My fuckin kids are so self-absorbed, I could be dying of an incurable illness and they'd be the one's to bitch if they had to attend my fuckin wake on their busy schedule. I have a fuckin older daughter that tells me I suck as a mom and I have a shitty way of raising my twins. She tells me I was never there for her but she seems to forget the times I bailed her fuckin ass out of jail, prevented a jaggoff of a boy from beating her down like a dog, carted her ass here and there and attended every fucking  sport she was in. BUT I SUCK AS A MOM! I should've had an abortion on all accounts so then GOD could only judge me! Not only does God judge me but now I have my very own judges here on earth. I've a fuckin twin who says she hates the fuckin house and me when things dont go her way because I want whats best for her and another twin who fuckin plucks her eyelashes out when shes stressed. BUT im a fuckin bad mom. Funny how I notice these small things in these ungrateful fuckin kids! I cant wait til they have their fuckin kids cuz at this rate that they are going, thats all they're gonna be good at, fucking and popping out fuckin bastards by every tom,dick,and harry. Then I cant wait till they show me what "a mom really looks like".

Work, I cant even take a fuckin vacation (every fuckin friday til December) because it may "interfere" with my co-workers. GOD FUCKIN FORBID I take a fuckin friday off only because I thought a whole week would inconvienence someone! Then they wonder why I dont go to their staff parties, holiday parties and any other kiss-ss parties they make.

Ugh, I guess that's my thought of the day. Smile and act as if nothing is bothering me. I'm pretty good at it, been doing it all my fuckin life!

Update from earlier post this morning...

Just wanted to update you on something...




AS OF TODAY, OCTOBER 2nd, I WEIGH.............DRUMROLLL PLEASE.....................189!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT NUMBER RIGHT THERE JUST MADE MY YUCKY DAY BETTER!!!!!!! :) So YES, October 6th you will see an updated picture of me! Click on the link below so you can see just how I feel!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=zS1cLOIxsQ8

Can I start the day over???

So Im not feeling it today. Let's just say it all stems from issues with a cellular phone. I have been experiencing issues with my cellphone since last Thursday. I took it in and it was determined that I need to have a replacement. So I got the replacement yesterday, contacts, pictures were successfully saved and I arranged the icons and apps successfully. Okay so I thought I did everything that needed to be done to the phone. NOT SO! I totally forgot to set my damn alarm. How could I forget to set that up! So needless to say, woke up late, feeling rushed, feeling disorganized, feeling like I need to start the day over!

I also noticed that its October 2nd and in 4 more days I will need to post a picture up so you can see my status. Believe it or not, I'm stressing about posting pictures. I honestly dont see any changes and if there are not changes then comes the disappointments of viewing picture status. I feel emotional today. Im pondering if my menstrual cycle is coming (even though I have had a total hysterectomy) I have this huge pimple on my chin, I'm emotional (did I mention emotional?) and as I sit here at my counter I look down and see this blubber just sitting there. Ugh! I had a friend of mine take a picture of me today, yea I wont be posting that picture either. Looking rather bummy, disorganized, just down right bummy. I want to take a picture in something other than the color black because I want you to see the real transformation rather have the fat be hidden from the color black. Im wearing a torqouise blouse today and a gray skirt BUT for some reason, I just look like I got out of bed with the clothes Im in. Hard to explain, just bummy/wrinkely. Im hoping that I feel better tomorrow because today is pretty much shot to hell!

I even contemplated looking for a scale to weigh myself since many people ask me what my weight is. Im scared I didnt loose any or worse yet, GAINED! The way Im feeling today, perhaps Im better off not finding a scale since Im feeling blah today. Having to see dissapointment on the scale just might send me over the edge today. Funny, that song "dont push me cuz Im close to the edge, Im trying not to loose my head" came to mind as I typed that line! LOL. On a bright note, I ate half a cup of cottage cheese with a slice of a peach, I poured my water in my 16oz glass and Im currently munching on some smokehouse almonds. For lunch I will have a bean burritto (protein but yes fat as well because of the masa) but its better than real fatty foods.

C'ya soon!

Monday thought of the day...

Ok I may not have just one thought of the day, I kinda have a few thoughts lingering in my head.

The weekend was good. Saturday I went to one of my bestie's baby's first birthday party. Good turn out, good laughs, too times and lasting memories. How did I do with eating at the party? Welp, thats a good question. Of course there was nothing healthy at this party, I mean it was a kids party, kids=junkfood period! So I ate half a cheeseburger, half a bag of chips and half a pop. Half only because I couldnt manage to eat the rest not because I was being good at what I was eating. Then comes the junkfood portion, not that the cheeseburger and chips weren't junk food as well, they had popcorn and cotton candy and cupcakes. So I had a half a bag of popcorn, 3 damn cotton candies, and half a cupcake. OMG, yes I said 3 cotton candies! LOL. I felt bad at the very end but I just love me my cotton candy!

Sunday I really didnt eat much, went to breakfast with my husband and ordered potatoe pancakes that came with 3 eggs and 3 strips of bacon. I ate perhaps a quarter dollar size of the potatoe cake and 2 strips of bacon and brought the rest of the food home to eat. In the evening I had a small chiptoel salad which I have to say I was not impressed with the flavoring and basically threw it up 15 minutes later. Had pretzels after that and thats about it for food intake. My water intake, yea thats not going well either but still trying to do better.

Today, Monday I was looking in the mirror. You know, my enemy! I was looking at my back, I still see the rolls that are back there underneathe my shoulder blade. It looks to me like it may be loose skin forming. I dont know. Maybe its just my rolls that haven't gone away. BUT what I have noticed and this may sound weird is that my inner thighs are not rubbing as much. By this I mean, when I wear skirts or shorts, my inner thighs would rub against eachother so much that at times I would chafe and it would at times be raw from the friction. I would have to apply cornstarch powder and other things to prevent the chaffing that occured. Today I forgot to do that, actually all last week also but today I noticed it. I have no clue why my mind wandered to my thighs but I noticed that they were not rubbing together as much as before when I really could tell. So im thinking that my thighs have shrunk in inches??? Thats a good thing right?!? I know weird but when your a chubby girl like me, I notice certain things about my body.

Thats it for now. Thought I'd share that lil tid bit that I noticed this morning as I walked.

Perks or not so Perks?

So I'm not sure if I mentioned that the doctor that did my surgery is located right around the corner from me. I have at times lunch with his secretary. That's how close his office is located near my counter. I usually hear him come in  (I'm located in a flippin hallway, not a cubicle, not a certain place with a real desk, I have a counter) and he'll say "hi, good morning, etc". Today I was standing up making copies and faxing and he happened to come from around the corner. I had already heard him this morning passing by. I happened to be making copies and faxing when he comes around the corner and for the first time, I caught him looking at me up and down. I dont mean in a flirty way. I mean in a patient/phyiscian type of way. I presume he was looking at my progress from the ground up. Alot of people ask me if I see a difference. I dont see it like I mentioned in early posts. I see certain things, like my neck, my turso and I have always worn elastic-waisted skirts/pants. I cant even tell you the last time I wore real "pants" such as jeans. So to notice my waist shrinkage is very slim because elastic sits whereever the waist may be. I will say that some pants are feeling loose, feeling somewhat bigger by my waist/tummy section. Yes, clothes are starting to fit loosely. I dont even own a belt! If you make a fist and put it between the material and my back side, the fist will be able to fit between the two. So yes, I suppose I am loosing weight, not at the rate I would like but I am loosing weight. Today when he looked at me, it was weird, my pants were loose and I hope I didnt look bummy. This is the very first time I seen him do this. Naturally when I go for an office visit, the nurse weighs you and I sit on a chair and talk to him. Never does he measure me let alone see my physical apperance first hand. I'm hoping that when he checked me out today, he was pleased with my progress. So the perks of working with the doctor that did your surgery I'm not so sure are perks but much more less no perks due to the stress that one may feel that their surgeon sees them on a daily basis and you better be following the rules to the T. Not that I dont because I do but you get the jist of what Im trying to say. The only thing he would be displeased about right about now withme is the fact that my water intake is very low. Will I tell him that on my next visit? HELL NO! But I know I must drink water and its a work in process! Why lie about it? I dont like drinking water but I know I need to in order to be healthy.

OH and one more thing, Im so tired of popping vitamins every damn single day! UGH! Especially the gallstone preventer one! Oh and lets not forget the iron vitamin. That one is horrible but as I mentioned, it must be done for the rest of my life because I choose to have this surgery and everything that came along with it including the water and vitamin intake! I have the right to vent about it, it doesnt mean I will stop doing it because that is not the case. I just get tired of popping pills every morning before heading out to work or start the beginning of my day. It's silly actually and Im just being bratty!

Anniversary Blues

So today is Wednesday, September 19th. Yesterday marked my 20th wedding anniversary. My husband didnt even remember. In his defense he forgets everything and Im usually the one that has to remind him of everything from paying the bills to a up coming birthday. Anniversary I guess wouldnt be any different from anything else I would have to remind him about. I didnt thou, I didnt remind him. Maybe its just me being oversensitive. Maybe anniversaries are overrated and just another "hallmark" holiday in a man's eyes. Whatever the case may be, I didnt remind him. Am I mad? Not as mad as I was last year when he totally forgot and I reminded him in anger. This year, Im not even mad, maybe a little hurt but like other things, I'll deal with it and move on.

How's the weight loss going? Well, I noticed in the mirror that I am losing my butt. It's getting rather flat and my husband noticed the same thing so I know its not my imagination. I refuse still to get on the scale so if your asking if I have lost pounds, I really couldnt tell ya. I notice that some of my clothes are feeling loose. Do I feel like I have lost weight? Not really. Last weekend I went out with some grammar school friends and they both said I look like I have slimmed down some. I honestly still dont see what I want to see. Just this morning a girl that works in my facility said I look like I have "dropped some pounds". Made me happy. Whats the difference between my friends telling me and another person telling me about my weight? Difference is "friends" I feel will tell you what you want to hear because they wanna make you happy. This acquaintance has nothing to gain by lying or not. That's the difference. I wont be taking another picture until October 6th.

I joined two softball teams. Last Sunday I only played one inning. Why? Well this is the first time I ever experienced what "dehydration" felt like. I was warming up playing catch and noticed that my front thighs were tightening up. I figured it was because I didnt warm up long enough. First inning came around and I could barely run to get the ball in the field. Next thing you know we came in from the field and I was up to bat. I hit the ball and when I ran, I could not move. My thighs tightened up so bad I could not run or even walk. The most horrible "charlie horse" I have ever experienced. I was out the rest of the game. I stretched, I massaged, you name it I tried it. Some player on my team asked if I had drank water at all that day? I sat and thought about it and realized that I had not drank water since Saturday afternoon or anything form of liquid for that matter. Here I am Sunday afternoon and still had not consumed any liquid. This man told me that I made myself dehydrated and my muscles were letting me know. He asked if my mouth was dry and it was! He said I was dehydrated and needed to get luquids in me soon and always have liquids anytime of the day. You recall, my surgeon told me that the day he discharged me. "You better have water with you at all times and be drinking it all day long". WOW! Who would've thought that it would catch up with me. Im not saying that I have started drinking water, its hard for me, Im not a water drinker BUT it needs to be done and I know this. Im trying. I hope Thursday at my other game I dont experience the same situtation again.

My eating? Still eating about a cup of food. Im still vomiting certain foods or when I have overdone it. I was given permission by my dietician to eat a slice of wheat bread. I can also have a cup of coffee with low fat milk and a sugar substitute. I notice that im craving a cup of coffee every morning. I dont know if it's because it satisfies my sweet tooth but I'll take it! The other day here at my work they had a bake sale. I walked up to the table, looked at every single thing they had on that table and very proud to say that I walked away from the table. It may not seem like a big deal but to me it is because I love love pastries! Im loving the Oikos greek yogurt in vanilla. Its so flavorful. Im eating alot of watermelon and other fruits to curve my sweet tooth. Its been pretty stressful with my daughters. All three of them have been trying my patience. To top it off Im a stressful eater and with all the stress they have been giving me, Im proud to say that I have not ate anything to substitute my stress for hunger.

Okay, I guess thats all for right now. C'ya soon.

Just a small note. im sitting here on the couch, on my phone blogging because im bored and cant find the damn laptop! Sucks to have my husband in the same house and day in and day out its the same routine, come home, make dinner and sit on the couch and flip thru channels while he goes to his room and goes to sleep. Yes I understand that working 12 hours he deserves his rest but sometimes I'd like to be talked to you, ask how my day went, some sort of acknowledgement. I guess you cant change whats been so routine for many many years. It also sucks that he sees me everyday and he cant tell me if I look like im losing weight. People tell me that they are starting to see some changes whether it be in my face, waistline, or my shoulders. I see the same girl in the mirror. I tell ya, that mirror is worse than getting on the scale.

Trying to fight a cold and currently have a bad bad sore throat.  ;( So my next appointment to see the dietician, bariatric doctor, and pysch doctor wont be until November 13th. Hopefully by then I will have lost some more weight. Yes, I feel like im obsessed with the weight loss, I want it sooner rather than later or "gradually". OH yea, I also started softball for 10 weeks/every Sunday. My body is rather sore especially my legs and shoulders. When I ran bases, it felt like I had weights on my legs. Definitely need to get in shape for that again. I messed up a play, totally went blank and felt bad in the end. Im not competative just real hard on myself knowing that I could be better than anticipated. Im my own worse critic.

I keep looking at the one-month-picture. Yea I dont see any difference. I see shoulders still broad, hips still a resting area for my arms (I call them my armrests) an still see the double chin. They werent kidding when they said weight loss surgery does a number on your thinking. Mentally Im exhausted at times and Im not gonna lie, I wanna cheat with foods that Im not supposed to have BUT I have managed to fight the urge to binge on something and replaced it with some type of fruit or veggie. Its hard! After eating so many years a certain way and eating everything and anything, to go "clean" is rough! But it needs to be done for the look you want. So, if your contemplating weight loss surgery, be sure your mentally ready for a great amount of changes in your "everyday routine" of consuption of food.

One Month After Surgery

So today is one month after surgery. I had two appointments yesterday with the pysch doctor and the dietician. Was still feeling pretty bummed out about the weight gain. I weighed in yesterday at 199. I expressed to the pysch doctor the anxiety, disgust, and the embarrassement that I was feeling. How can someone who just had weight loss surgery gain weight??? She stated that what I was feeling is all natural, many patient's feel anxiety. Many patients are obssessed with getting on the scale to see if the "number" goes down. I on the other hand am not obssessed with the scale. I only get on the scale when I have my doctor appointments. My enemy is the mirror which I have to see every morning and every night. That mirror shows me my progress without even mentioning a number. Why on earth I decided to get on the scale on Tuesday is beyound me. The visit with the pysch doctor helped alot. And assured me that in three month (November) I'll be less stressed and will be able to chuckle about this month's experience. She's a great doctor.

This is me today, one month after surgery.

Ashley my dietician broke it down for me. We went over my food intake. So what I thought was good eating in reality was bad/hidden calories. My skinny-minney bagels, my granola bars, my egg-white sandwhiches from subway (just to name a few) are all BAD! Why? Breads, carbs, etc. This is why I could've gained the weight. Also, with my intake of vitamins, being constipated or even water gained could've played a factor in the weight gain. I think it was the bagels, granola bars and the sandwiches from subway that made me gain. Ashley stated that I have to stay away from all breads, pastas, sweets, etc. All the bad things that I was so used to eating really has to be rid of in my life. I have to concentrate on veggies (raw or steamed), fruits/nuts (minus cashews and peanuts), protein (chicken, turkey, ham, tuna,) and diary (greek yogurt, cottage cheese, cheese). I have to stay away from red meat as well. I still have to watch the intake of sugar and pay attention on items and the protein availability in their substance.

Tuesday was a horrible day and I'm glad its over. Meeting with the pysch and the dietician gave me peace of mind and all I can do is move on with the knowledge that they shared with me and encouragement that my progress will be noticeable in time, not a month's time, but in months to come. My weight loss is not going to happen in a month let alone over night but it will happen!

Im still walking and also bikeriding. Yes, both get me out of breathe but it needs to be done regardless. Im also joining a fall softball team which starts this Sunday and Im excited about that as well! Well thats it for today. See you soon!

OMG! Not having a great day. I just got on the scale and gained 6 pounds back. Im at 200! I have no idea what is going on. I walk, I bike ride, I watch what I eat, read my labels, barely can keep food down at times and I gain 6 pounds! I have an appointment with the pysch doctor and the dietician. How embarrassing its going to be when they put me back on the scale only to find that I GAINED WEIGHT!

This has got to be one of the worse days of my life, I feel very defeated! I cant even express how I feel. :(

Overwhelmed Today

Okay I'm kinda psyching myself out since actually the surgery. Yesterday and today have been pretty bad with the whole psyching myself out but I feel the following:

 

1) I hope this surgery really works and makes me loose weight

2) Feel afraid to even eat for fear of not losing weight or even gaining the weight back that I have already lost?

 

When I was in the hospital, I went thru this faze of worrying that the surgery will not be a success and Im destined to be fat. When I got out of the hospital then the faze and still continues to be worrisome to me is what to eat for fear of gaining weight. Majority of the foods make me sick and I wind up throwing it up which gives me some "relief". This make sense? Ive been introducing foods to my diet. I cant eat chinese rice, pork, very little chicken, and beef in small amounts. Apple juice, orange juice, hell any kind of juice gives me a queezy feeling and makes me wanna throw up. I feel like I'm hungry, I eat a certain amount, I wanna say about a half cup of food still and then if the food doesnt argree with me I throw up and feel relief but then hunger again. Its so frustrating.

 

I dunno, maybe its just all in my head BUT I am really worried that this surgery is not gonna work. Why I feel that way, perhaps because the weight is not coming off fast enough for me. I look in the mirror and see "me" and not who I want to see. Ugh...sorry for venting just feeling a lil overwhelmed lately. Must be the "blue moon" phase messing with my mind. :(

Night before Surgery

HI! I managed to actually get the laptop fully charged for me to write down whats been going on since Thursday. Lets get down to it.

I had my dietician appointment on Friday. Ashely (my dietician) sat with me and basically explained to me once more what the menu will be for me after surgery. So basically, you know the caps that come with the Nyquil bottle or any cough medicine? I will be eating out of that cup. Ashely states it's equivelent to 1 ounce which I will have to drink from for the next two weeks. After two weeks I move onto smooshy foods, baby foods, puree foods. Im fine with it. This liquid diet for the past week was okay, I got used to it diarrhea and all. Im thinking that me getting used to this liquid diet this week benefitted me for the weeks to come, I'll  be used to it, it wont be like it was dropped on me as a surprise.

I had my preadmission testing right after my dietician appointment. They took blood, urine, my weight and I met with the anesthesiologist. Basic questions, am I allergic to anything, how do I do under anestheia, etc. This is me, my night before surgery. If and Im praying that I will see a significant change in my weight, I will continue to post a picture library as well to go along with my posts. Trust and believe that it was very hard for me to put that tank top on let alone wear white shorts. I NEVER WEAR either one of them. Im usually in some sort of dark appearal of the sort. You know to hide the love handles and love pockets (cellulite) I have througout my body.

August 5th, 210 pounds

My Saturday was pretty quiet, didnt really do much. Did some chores around the house. You know a housewives chores are never done. Sunday was pretty much the same. I did laundry and made jewlery the majority of the morning-mid afternoon. I made 4 necklaces and tried my hand at a memory wire bracelet. I dont think they came out bad. I'll eventually will post jewlery pictures once I feel more confident in my work.

Im pretty sure your wondering what my family says about this now that the surgery is a day away. Welp, I still have not told my daughters nor will I tell them. They are so wrapped up in their own world, I dont fit in it. I dont think I ever will at this moment in time. I fought with one of my twins last night. She seems to think that being 19 gives her the right to stay out all night and not come home if she doesnt want to. She doesnt seem to think either to notify anyone of her whereabouts. So of course me being the "overprotected stalker mom" went off on her. Needless to say, shes not speaking to me today. My other twin went out. She asked about my hospital stay but that was about it. Shes in her own world as well. My oldest, I asked her last week if she would take me to the hospital and I didnt get a reply until this morning. Actually it wasnt a reply it was more "hey do you still need a ride to the hospital tomorrow". So since her delay in replying to me last week I found alternative solutions. My husband will be taking me and dropping me off. He cant take the time off from work. Whatever. My mom will be with me and then I will have arrange to have her picked up from the hospital once my surgery is over and Im in a patient room. My mom has a pace maker so I dont want her upset in any way. Plus she doesnt support my decision in having this surgery done. I just know that I dont want to burden anyone. Like I said, I'm a loner and pretty much used to being alone and doing things alone. All I know is that only one person said "I love you" and that was my one twin. What a way to die (if I die, one has no guarantee in life). So there ya have it pertaining to my loving supporative family. :(

One of my besties Rita phoned me, which was nice of her. Checking up on me, making sure Im ready for this. My niece also phoned me with the same questions. Good conversation always helps my lonely soul. Its good to laugh, they say it burns calories! lol.

My stay at the hospital will be 2-3 days. So this will definitely be my last post.

C'ya on Wednesday! (God willing)

Howdy! Today is Thursday, August 2nd and Wednesday was an uneventful nite. The family had left overs so it was a good thing that I didnt have to spend time in the kitchen which is now in my eyes the "enemy". This morning I prepared a crock-pot chicken soup so I can avoid the kitchen once again today. That soup is gonna smell so good when I get home. We usually eat soup with bread and butter and boy am I gonna be bummed out about that one as well! I put lots of carrots, half an onion, green squash, cilantro, potatoes and spices. YUMMMO! Too bad I cant even have that!

I did however have a slip-up of the sort. I swear, I love food! Who doesnt! I usually have my protein shake around 7'ish so Im not starving by the time I go to bed. I have to admit that I had a damn cracker, just 1 saltine cracker which I nibbled on like if I was on a deserted island. I had it with my protein shake. I felt horrible afterwards. Not to mention that these damn shakes make my tummy rumble, make me real gasey, and what I think may be a fart is actually a need to go to the bathroom. Many close calls last night! Eewww yea I know but Im keeping it real!

I spoke to one of my besties Rita, she told me about two other mutual friends who underwent a total bypass and the other one had the lap band. Both success stories, both had expereinces with food differently. Rita always makes me laugh, she accepts me and knows how much I love my food! lol. Its always good to hear from her.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the dietician, Ashley, shes really cool and knows her stuff! After that appointment, I have pre-admission testing at the main hospital. After that, its a 3-day count down to Monday. I think my surgery is scheduled for 7:30 in the morning which most likely will mean that I will have to be at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning. Not nervous yet, still very much excited. I have been trying to find videos on youtube of people experiencing bariactric surgery. I flip thru channels on tv to see if I see stories of people losing weight. I guess I just want to know what they went thru, how they felt, their outcome, etc.

I dont believe I will be blogging after this. My next entry will most likely be after surgery to let you know the events of that day, how I feel, and if most importantly, if Im still hungry! lol

C'ya soon!

P.s. As I read this before posting, I do have a fear...its not surgery, my fear is my food intake after surgery. A year from now and sofourth, I dont want to overeat, I want to be skinny. I dont want to have a "slip-up" like I did with 1 cracker. Not sure if you understand what I mean, but this is the only way I can explain it. I dont want to want food like I do right now with this liquid diet. Im gonna be scared of food, fear that it will make me fat again. Make sense? I dunno, this is what's spinning a web in my head right now. :(

Tuesday Night...

I just wanted to share that Tuesday night was ROUGH! I made skirt steak sandwiches for dinner for the family and I felt a moment of weakness creeping up. I wanted to have a bite of the steak, make a mini sandwich for myself or just SUCK THE JUICE OFF THE MEAT kinda moment! I made dinner rather quickly, trying to occupy my mind with other things, such as washing dishes, finish cooking the steaks, and serving my husband and twins before they went to work. I was sitting down later on in the evening and while flipping thru channels came to realize that I'm like in "rehab", rehab from food! UGH!

I was a good girl, I avoided all temptation and pray that it gets better in time. The cravings that is! The carnation instant breakfast is not bad at all, truly its not, but it does make my stomach gurgle, I do have the runs more often now :(. Jello helps trick my mouth as to it thinking that Im chewing something.

I recieved a call last Tuesday afternoon from the Pre-admissions department. I now will have a dietician appointment at 8:30 on Friday and Pre-admission testing at 10:30 that same day. Five more days for surgery and the beginning of a brand new me! YAY!

First of many...

OMG! So today is Tuesday, July 31st. Yesterday was the first of many new things that await me! Yesterday started my all liquid diet before surgery which is next Monday. Im on an 800 caloric diet. The reason for this diet is to initiate rapid weight loss which will result in a decrease in my liver. This is supposed to make surgery easier for me and my surgeon. It also lets me become more familiar with the full liquid diet that I will be doing after my surgery for two weeks after my discharge. UGH! lol. Im supposed to have 60 grams per day of protein. My liquid diet consists of water, crystal light, decaf tea, sugar free jello and sugar free popsicles in addition to 800 calories in full liquids. I have a choice of 4 1/2 cans of High protein Slim fast, 5 1/2 packets of Carnation "no sugar" Instant Breakfast drink with fat free or 1% milk, 5 individual cartons of Atkins Advantage daily, or 4 1/2 bottles of "Glucose Controlled" Boost daily. I opted for the carnation instant breakfast. Its not that bad as I thought it would be. I realized yesterday as well that I will be without any food intake for a total of 3 weeks straight! INSANE!!!

I did pretty good yesterday at work. I had my carnation for breakfast and for lunch. I drank water in between. If anyone knows me, Im not much of a water drinker but I've been doing good for the past couple of months even before considering surgery. I got home after work yesterday and made dinner, my normal routine. I made flautas (small rolled up tacos with meat in them). It smelled so good BUT I didnt cheat! I was very proud of myself! Im not gonna lie, I was tempted, I was drooling, I was fighting my inner demons of wanting "just one" but I won in the end and beat the demon! I was feeling hungry but I waited til later in the evening to have my carnation. Sandy brought home a 4-pack of sugar free jello for me. I will be snacking on that when I get home. Even Chewy came in the kitchen at one point and asked me if "I cheated". I was proud to say "no!"

So today, Tuesday, the second day of my liquid diet, I think its gonna be pretty smooth. Yes I know, Im gonna be hungry, but its normal. I bought diet jello this morning from the cafe. I have to believe that even thou this journey is gonna be hard, I'm gonna benefit from it in the long run. Im going to be where and how I wanna be, "SKINNY". What journey is easy? NONE! Im still contemplating taking a whole body picture. Its rather embarrassing but like I said, Im still contemplating. I havent weighed myself either, Im guessing that when I meet with the dietician on Friday they will weigh me. I'll let you know how that goes!

I spoke with my niece Michelle lastnight. She's gonna have her surgery in January. She asked me what I was looking forward to after my weight loss. I had not really given much thought to that question. When I asked her, she immediately said "shopping in the little section" of a store. I would guess that would be the ideal answer for anyone with weight loss. But when we hung up I sat there asking myself what am I looking forward to. So I came up with this: Im looking forward to looking in the mirror and seeing my face thin, my neck slender, and my collar bone visible. What I see in the mirror is different from what people see. I mentioned this in an earlier blog. Secondly: Im looking forward to seeing people who judged me by my weight rather than the person I am inside. Im gonna tell them Im still the same person just in a slimmer body! Lastly, yes, I am going to look forward to putting on outfits that I have always dreamt of, sexy dresses, full body jumpers, nicer bathing suits, halter tops, even attempt to walk in sexy heels. Like I said, it's going to be a first of many firsts! :)

Thats all for now! OVER AND OUT LIL BUDDY! :)

July 24th-Appointment

Hi! I had my two appointments with the surgeon and the nutritionist today. It went well. GREAT NEWS! Im having my surgery on August 6th! I have to meet next week again with Ashley (nutrionist) on Friday before going into surgery. We have to discuss diet after surgery and the understanding of the whole thing of it. I mentioned in an earlier blog that I had to keep track of everything I ate. That went well, it made me realize what I was eating (mostly all carbs) and it helped me be aware of everything that I was going to put in my mouth. I lost 6 pounds doing this! Go figure. I currently weigh 119.6 pounds. I dont have to keep track of my eating habits anymore BUT even though I'm not documenting my intake of food, I am still concious of what Im eating.

I was fortunate enough that I did not need additional testing. Blood work I'll have done on my post-followup. I was however given a presciption for my cholesterol which I will need to take for a month. Once a month has passed after my surgery, blood work will be drawn to see if the need to continue my meds is necessary.

July 18, 2012

I had an upper GI done on Monday, July 16th. It actually wasn't bad at all. The doctor was real good at it. My throat hurted the next day but its expected.

 

I work in a  hospital and acutally work on the floor where all of general surgery surgeon's main offices are based at. It has it's perks working with around surgeons! The surgeon actually came by me right now and said how was I feeling. He scared me, he snuck up right behind me. I asked him what else does he want me to do and he said nothing, Im good to go! WOW! I hope its true and no more tests are needed. He said he wanted to meet with me on Tuesday, July 24th after I meet with the dietician. I told him I want to have surgery ASAP and he said "good". He said my down town would be the most 4 weeks off work. So hopefully all goes good and I'll have surgery soon.

 

I thought eating would be hard after starting my journal. To the contrary, it has helped me realize what I eat or when I feel like eating and if Im truly hungry. I tried diet Dr. Pepper for the first time yesterday, not too bad. I was scared it was gonna taste horrible with the fake sugar in it and then trigger a migraine but it didnt. Im not going to lie and say its hard not wanting to "graze". I came across a whole box of gourmet cupcakes and passed it up. If anyone knows me, pastries and sweets are my weakness and I'm proud of myself to say that I passed it up. Even drinking chicken broth was not as bad as I thought it was going to be when I had to fast for the scope I had on Monday. I do notice that I have sweet tooth tendencies often and I fought it off last night with eating a carmen rice cake and hummus on top. Not the greatest but the carmel rice cake helped calm down the need for sweets.

 

This morning I ordered a omlette and had crystal light raspberry tea. The crystal light wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. I have also noticed that watching what I eat also has helped me not feel fatigued or sleepy. Welp, I gotta go, Im at work, phones and people are starting to distract me from blogging some more. C'ya soon!

July 10th, the beginning of my Life

Thats me, the one in the Teal, and this is my story.


July 10th is the day I made an appointment to meet with the bariatric team at Gottlieb/Loyola. My current weight is 225, my neck size is 18, my pants size is currently 18/20 or a size 42 if I were to wear men's pants. I met with the surgeon, bariatric doctor, psychologist, and dietician on this day. Surgical options are either a LapBand Procedure, total gastrectomy procedure or a sleeve procedure. Having worked for a weight loss doctor in the past I pretty much had an idea how things ran and what tests needed to be done. The tests/consultations that are crossed off are the ones that I have completed so far on my road to surgery. I have decided to have a sleeve procedure. This procedure will take about 75% of my stomach and have it resected. My stomach will be the shape of a banana and intake of food minimal.


Tests consists of:

• Cardiology
• Gynecology (July 10th)
• Psychological (July 10th)
• Lab Reports (PT, PTT, TSH, CMP, CBC, & Vit. D)
• Pulomonary
• PFT's
• Polysomnography
• CXR
• Radilogy (Mammogram)
• Esphogus UGI (Dysmotility) (July 17th)
• Nurtion Consult (July 10th)
• Surgeon consult (July 10th)
• Bariatric consult (July 10th)

When I met with the nutritionist, she stated that she would like for me to keep a journal of everything I eat so that we can discuss that on our next visit, July 24, 2012. Meeting with her kinda made me feel embarrassed for being "mobidly obese". It made me realize that I do have a problem with food. I love food! Who doesnt? I realized that I eat food to keep my mind off things, an "emotional eater" is what Im called. And its correct, I eat when Im sad, when Im bored, I eat when I dont need to.


Before having this UGI, it was no food at all after midnight the night before until the procedure is over. My procedure wasnt until 4:00 that afternoon so I thought I was gonna have a fitt not being able to eat or anything but it was ok. I was able to have clear liquids which I had water and chicken broth to hold me until my UGI.


I had my UGI (upper GI which is a scope that goes inside your throat and examines your esophagus and stomach areas for any lesions, cancer, etc. They administor an IV, spray your throat with some God awful spray (wild cherry supposedly) and it numbs your throat. They then insert a small size hose of the sort with a camera at the end into your mouth and slowing make it go down your throat. You'll be asked to swallow and that IV they gave you before the test starts making you numb, a twilight stage of the sorts. It wasnt bad as I thought it was going to be. It takes about 30 minutes for the procedure.


Thats all for right now, more tests to be done and Im praying that in August I'll be able to have my surgery. I'll keep you posted on my journey and of course my transformation.