Keep rolling with the punches...

HI, its Wednesday, January 16th, the 16th day of the new year and I dont see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. My daughter Veronica has yet to come home since December 31st, let me rephrase that, she has been home Im assuming to take a bath and get clothes but I have yet to see her. My other daughter Sandy is hardly ever home, and when she is home she doesnt really speak to me except to ask for household items or whatever.  Bianca my oldest daughter is still doing her own thing and I might see her maybe twice out of the week. My husband, routine, work, gets home, eats, goes to bed. Just me and the two little dogs keeping eachother company.

Two little sparkles that lit up my journey thru this dark tunnel I travel is:
1)  I found out today thru a friend that my picture was posted on the main website of my bariatric surgeons site. If you care to view it the link is www.loyolamedicine.com/bartiatrics, you will see my picture at the bottom of the main page.
2) I was called by the media relations representative Stacia that Dorothy Tucker of channel 2 news would like to interview Dr. Chand and me. Its the "new year" and like ever new year, millions of people jump on the band wagon to loose weight. The details would be made available to me once they get all calendars sorted. Im not an important person so when I say calendars, I mean phyisican and reporter.

Onto what's on my nogging right now, today...I sit and wonder all the time why is it that the people you love the most are the very first ones to hurt you? Whether it be children, significant others, or friends. Why is it that I give my all, my whole heart to those I love and they have no problem breaking it into pieces and not even all at once, little pieces at a time. Why is it that you tell someone that means the world to you that you love them with all your heart and they take it for granted and without blinking an eye can turn and walk away from you without skipping a beat? I lost another piece of my heart today because a dear friend whom I've know since I was 11 decided that walking away from me was the best thing to do rather than talk and work things out. I guess nothing really last forever, only in movies. I think about everything we've been thru, the talks we had, the smiles that I had on my face, the tranquillity and in a blink of an eye a text is sent that says "dont want to hurt you no more, and Im not making you happy, I'll be here if you want to text me, good nite". How can one just turn emotion "off". Please someone tell me, please show me because all this heartache, it sucks. I want to be the cold-hearted person and fuck the world! No emotion means no tears!

Then comes the stress oh and lets not forget to mention the hives/welts that I have on my body now due to stress. No benadryl in the house! Just my luck! The fear that I have on needing to eat because Im sad. The need to want to cut/hurt myself just to justify the pain that Im feeling right now. The fear suddenly pops in my head that I wont be skinny by the summer and that too will be taken from me. I swear that every other day I just wish I was dead, so I wouldnt have to feel pain, the anxiety, the tears shed, the lies told, the coldness felt and the disappointment gone. I have anger in me that people that I love with all my heart could hurt so and not even realize that the spark in my eyes are gone. Funny that only one person seen it and perhaps  because she see's me everyday. It's getting harder and harder to put up a front. I feel like this huge hypocrite because all I do is smile so no one can see my hurt. Why burden anyone with the shit Im going thru. Ive been dealing with alot alone for a long time, its what I know best. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought to start a blog to write down my every thought good or bad (majority bad). Perhaps God in some way made me blog so I can take everything out of my head and let it rest on the screen that I see. The day that I was told about Channel 2 possibility, I said "its a good day, God loves me today". I really felt that. I felt some type of hope, a little sparkle in my tunnel. I dont know what I have to do to see light and sunshine at the end of my tunnel but I hope "GOD" gives me the strength to see it, whatever it may be he has in store for me because its only the 16th day of the new year and I wish it was already over for me.

Next Friday, Im going to a dude ranch. Its a yearly thing where a bunch of ladies retreat for the weekend and just relax. Im looking forward to it, I need it. It seems that everytime time I go Im usually going thru something. I suppose I should learn from that because I still continue standing and living the best way I know how.

 

Well that's it for now. Im gonna go to sleep, its been a long day at work, my night got worse with a text and I just need to close my eyes and end the day. Pray that I can sleep, pray that my hives/welts go away, and pray that everything and everyone just get better in time.


http://youtu.be/ijZRCIrTgQc