World without love???

What is it with world? Maybe I should say, what is it with the people I give my heart to, I gave birth to, people I make feel good on a daily basis, I TRY to smile and be "positive" because they all say I'm so negative. Why is it when I voice my opinion they take it as a negative remark versus just a way I see things of how they look unless clearly justified or perhaps I'm looking into the future of the "what if, worse-case scenario" and not meant to be a negative person. I'm so fuckin mentally drained, I swear I think about suicide at least once a day if not more depending on the day and how fucked up it has been. I swear the people related to me namely my kids, my fuckin husband drain the FUCKIN LIFE OUTTA ME. My kids are still self-absorbed and my husband can't be happy for me FOR NOTHING not even if his fuckin life depended on it. My supposed close friend Nadine made me feel like an outcast last Friday all because she wanted the truth about a guy she likes, I inquired and told her what she wanted to know even the bad news and now she outs me. WTF is that! I asked my husband last week if I could have a bbq for my birthday, just my close friends (mind you that its not many, a handful) and he said he'd think it over. Today I text him to see if he'd like to have it on a Saturday or a Sunday and his reply was "Im not crazy about inviting everybody why cant it just be us"? Why is it that I felt the need when he turned 40 to throw him a big bash, he has a fantastic time and YET here I am, turning 43 and yet to have a party for me. Why is it that he feels the need at any given moment, minute, second he has to show me my worth to him. A man who claims to LOVE ME SO MUCH, DONT EVER LEAVE ME, I"LL CHANGE BLAH BLAH BLAH and here I am fuckin CRYING!!! How can I continuously overlook his faults day in and day out and have my spirit just killed little by little by EVERYONE I love? The more fucked up thing about it is, if I were to die and lets move forward to the wake, ALL THESE MOTHER FUCKERS that treated me poorly are now crying! WHAT FUCKIN HYPOCRITES!!!! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!! What a fucked up way to be thinking I tell myself but I have more hate than love, more jealously than contentment, more tears than smiles, and definitely more sadness than happiness. LIFE IS JUST FUCKED UP. Why does God want me to be this way??? Was I such a bad person younger?? Why have me born into this life? Should I be mad at God for making me feel this? Should I be mad at myself because I lack so many things in life that Im stuck where Im at? Its funny how people say leave the current situation without really thinking it thru. Yea just leave the house. Yea sure, where do I go with no fuckin money? A friends house? YEA RIGHT and burden them? Its so fuckin easy to leave, so fuckin easy to say to leave. Sure, let me live in my car, change and shower at work? Yep, I"ve thought about it already. Im tired. Then people wonder why I keep shit to myself. Why talk about it??? Why burden them with my fucked up life when they got shit of their own to deal with? I wasn't born to rely on them let alone burden them.

Whats more fucked up is, here I am, being displayed throughout the hospital, this patient who has lost so much weight, her success and whatnot and here I am walking the halls smiling at everyone and deep inside all I wanna do is be dead. How fucked up is that? So many people would be shocked if I ever took my life. Like you see on tv, it was so sudden, came outta nowhere. Yep that would be me. I'd leave in a blink of an eye and no one would know or have a clue.

Just having a fucked up day. I suppose it was going good until I got the text from my damn husband. Last night I got confirmation that I would be able to be a vendor and sell my scarves next week and I was pretty stoked/nervous about it. I cant say that Im surprised about not having a bbq, hense why I said I asked him if I could and he'd be able to think about it BUT I guess I thought "if he loves me he will tolerate my request" but nope, its not the case. Fuck it! After all it is his house and I'm just a tenant. I really shouldn't be surprised. I set myself up for the disappointment and I should've just not asked at all and I wouldn't be here writing this blog. I'm tired, tired of people lying to me, tired of people treating me like shit, tired of living. I suppose blogging is better right now that looking for an excuse of being alone and pondering life. I seen "what dreams may come" this passed Sunday and its such a sad movie. Wife looses her kids and four years later looses her husband only to commit suicide. Her husband tries to get her back from being a lost soul. How sad is that but he loves her. Ironic thing to me, I'm fucked in life and I"d be fucked in death, suicide would make me a lost soul, no golden gates for me or the fires of hell, just a lost soul. Even dead I'd be alone!