I did have the video session on December 3rd. Pretty fun but mostly overwhelming. Im not a "spot light" type of person. So to be looked at, spoken to, etc was pretty overwhelming for me. Yes I can talk a person's ear off if given the chance BUT I guess once Im on the spot I buckled under pressure and couldnt think of not one thing to say. Ugh, just thinking about it I feel humiliated. Hopefully the video does come out nice and I dont look or sound like an idiot. I also was asked if I wanted to interview for the Spanish station "Univision" and thou I told her "no" because I feel that my Spanish was efficient enough, I did e-mail the correspondent (Stacia) and stated that I would do the interview if they were still interested in me. The English video will be edited sometime in January and when it will be shown I still dont know. Stay tuned for that announcement!
Yesterday was my mom's b-day. I was actually happy that I was able to fit in a dress that was a size "Large". It actually felt weird but most importantly it felt GREAT! I was feeling pretty good all day. I took my mom out for dinner with my husband and two of my daughters. By the end of dinner, my daughter's managed to put me in a terrible mood where I just wanted to get up and go cry in the bathroom or just get up and go home. It was hard to keep a happy face in front of my mom while inside I was filled with anger and anxiety. Why? The bill came and my oldest daughter "snatched" the bill out of my hands. That right there is rude to me. Dont "snatch" anything out of anyone's hand. I told her I was going to pay and she proceeds to tell me "I'll pay, you cant even afford it". How does this little girl know what I can or cant afford and who is this little girl? The lack of respect, the profanity under her breath and then think I dont hear just infuriated me. Who the fuck does she think she is??? I couldnt believe that a nice evening ended up ruined for me because the kids I brought up seemed to slipped thru the cracks somehow and now I have "animals" acting like this with me and who knows when Im not around. I guess I really failed as a parent and its apparent just by the way they all act. Im finding it harder and harder to be happy and ignoring the obvious in my life. Im convinced that my oldest as much problems she gave me from 8th grade thru high school will still be a disappointment to me even as an adult and I might as well come to terms with it and quit being in denial. I might as well come to terms that they all are destined to be failures and the only thing they will probably be good at is drinking, getting high, and popping out little bastards. I dont see any of them having their "own". Their own car, their own house, their own anything. I cant help but wonder WHY ME and wish I could turn back the hands of time and just try to be a good mom or not a mom at all. I cant help but be honest that sometimes I wish I was dead just to avoid all the heartache they continue to cause me. As luck would have it, life insurance doesnt pay out on "suicides". Im convinced that God just doesnt love me, pretty much gave up on me and I'm dealing with all this "FUCKEDUPNESS" for the rest of my "borrowed life".
Woke up feeling pretty bummed out from last night. On a brighter note, I spoke to the lady from media relations (Stacia), she wanted to do a small story on me and take my picture. Thank God I put on maroon today and had lipstick to "perk" me up for a picture. I also spoke to a friend of mine who inquired about my weight loss and the surgery. Actually Stacia was pretty interested in the surgery as well. I hope that I was able to answer their questions the best way that I could and hopefully they will decide to proceed with the surgery whether it be a lap band, sleeve gastrectomy or the total gastrectomy. I dont regret my surgery, Im still eating a 1/2 cup to a 1 cup of food at a sitting. Water intake is getting better slowly, I discontinued my cholesterol medicine and my vitamin D dose has been lowered. Im still a work in process and I have a long way to go. As I sit here and wonder what I want to achieve? What comes to mind right now is to achieve my desired weight (125) and to find the "happy" Blanca I used to be. My kids, my family, just life in general has drained me and I hope/pray that it gets better. I have alot of dreams and I hope that I dont stop dreaming because right now, the way I feel, the day I stop dreaming, I think will be the day I stop wanting to live. Pray is what I have to do to give me strength. That's all I have right now. :(
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| December 27th, 2012-170 pounds ? |
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