Tuesday, May 21st

Just a quick blog note to get the thoughts outta my mind. I had a pretty awesome Monday, its very unusual since Monday's can be quite caotic. Everything was going well. I went along with the routine of a Monday, excercised during lunch (walked around the campus twice which is two miles) and then it happened. I went to the store, looking for a cute outfit or something to wear this weekend, my birthday weekend. I picked out like 12 different things to try on in the fitting room, something else I don't normally do. Twelve outfits and two somewhat caught my eye. It was a jumper, one basic black and one with dimensional graphics (you know to hide the obvious fat). As much as I loved the dimensional one, I put it back. I actually felt anxiety. I let that damn demon in my head get the best of me. It kept telling me that "your not that cute to be wearing something that" and the other demon was of my oldest daughter putting me down telling me that I'm not young and me losing weight trying to be a teenager kept playing in my head. I looked in the mirror and all I heard was those things playing in my head. I did send a picture of my outfit, one to my friend and one to my husband. Of course my friend liked it and said it looked cute, my husband on the other hand didn't even reply. NO SURPRISE there. It's unreal how guilty I feel for succeeding in my weight loss. ITS CRAZY to me that I feel guilty. I've lost friends because of this. I feel like they have distanced themselves from me. Why? I'm still me! I don't talk about my weight loss, I don't flaunt it purposely. I wear different clothes, not skin tight clothes but I'm not trying to flaunt my weight loss. If anything, I find myself "hiding" even more from people. Every time someone stops me and wants to talk about my weight loss I hurry up and change the subject. Why? Because I don't want to talk about me, I don't want to sound like I'm bragging. Its crazy how I'm so worried about what everyone else thinks that I don't even want to celebrate "me". It's crazy, I cry about it more now, never would I have thought in a million years I'd be crying because of my weight loss. I've about given more than half of my closet away either to people or good will and literally have little clothes. I haven't shopped (except for yesterday and didn't even get the jumper), I go to the second hand store every now and then and that's about it. My emotions are all over the place. All I know is that I'm more stressed and the need for food is getting stronger. I come to work stressed, work stresses me, my home stresses me, and now my so-called-friends are acting shady that it saddens me that I cant even turn to them for a chuckle here and there. Thankfully, there are still a few that can make me laugh and get my mind off what is troubling me. Yet, they are in the dark of what is going on. I wont tell them. What for?

I truly try to be a positive person. I really do. I realize that toxic people are in my life (mainly my home, especially my husband) and I feel that when I'm around toxic people, my whole internal flame, you know the positive flame, the flame telling you "you can do it and conquer all" seems to die when I'm around toxic people. I feel myself shut down. It's not like I can avoid the majority of the toxic people, I live with them. The outside toxic, thankfully I can just walk away from. I feel that after my surgery, my emotions are all over the place. I think I might have mentioned my emotions somewhere in other posts and I still truly believe that my emotions are all over the place. Like some type of chemical imbalance. I feel like I forget things quickly, attention span is less than usual, my agitation is on high with just the slightest choice of words spoken to me. ITS CRAZY!!! It really saddens me period.

Well, I'm trying to remain positive about my birthday weekend but something tells me I'll be doing more crying in private than smiling like a normal human being should be. I guess stay tuned.

I have an appointment to meet with my nutritionist, psych doctor, and bariatric doctor today. Can't wait to speak to my nutritionist and to the psych doctor. I need help curbing my need to eat when stressed and see if my emotions can be controlled when I talk to my psych doctor. :(