May 6th, 2013...

Well here I am, 9 months out since surgery and feeling all sorts of emotions. They range from self emotions to the emotions of others close to me. Cinco de Mayo just passed and I did not indulge in the usual drinking that Cinco de Mayo usually brings. My weekend was pretty quiet. Saturday I went to go work out. Usually I don't go work out on the weekends but since Tuesday and Wednesday I wont have time to go work out, I figured I'd make it up some how and not feel guilty about it. (I have to take my oldest to Truman college to take her GED exams, I'm praying that she passes this time around). Anyways, I went to go work out and then I had planned to meet my friend Nadine at the bowling alley near my home to pick up a package that she had of mine. I went home after the gym and played with my dogs in the yard while I waited til it was time to go by Nadine. My twin Sandy was home and I asked her if she'd like to take a walk with me. She actually said yes. She's been bummed about her weight so she has now started watching her food intake and started working out. It made me pretty happy when she asked my advise on how to eat properly. So we walked to the bowling alley and met with Nadine. We didn't stay long because Sandy had to get ready for work. While there, Nadine invited me to a bbq at 7:00 and I said "sure" no problem, just call me and we'll go. That was that. The remainder of the day I sat and made some scarves for the vendor event I have for May 9th. So now here it is 7:30pm and no word from Nadine. Nada, no call, no text, nada. I suppose I could've called but lately there has been noticeable changes with her so I guess I was putting her thru a test and hoping that I was wrong with my gut instincts. I took my twin to her friends house around 9:00 and while I was at a stop light, I looked at my FB page. There I would notice that Nadine is at a bar with friends drinking it up. So I texted her and asked her "so I guess you opted out the bbq?". She said "yea, I was doing things around the house, poonie's friend came over and I left, I forgot to call you". Hmmm...how does one "forget" to call a person knowing that they had made plans? She proceeded to say "is it too late for you to come out? Come meet me". Welp, the fact that she said "is it too late" made me sad to the obvious that I have a "master" and the fact that she said "I forgot" really pissed me off. I just replied "since you forgot, it was for a reason and I'll pass on the outing today, have fun, talk to you tomorrow". There's emotion #1. Hurt. It's cool though. I've been noticing that Nadine is been excluding me from the outings with our mutual friends, not that I hang with them EVERYDAY but nonetheless, they are not strangers to me and I've known for a pretty long time. The last time I seen one friend in particular, it was at Nadine's house which I blogged earlier about and she seems to tag me in FB to come out, do this or that, and just include me in in whatever they are doing. Yea, Nadine has "forgot" to mention a birthday outing and now an outing that she was at that night with that particular person and other mutual friends. So my gut instinct is correct, emotion #2, jealousy. UNREAL! It's cool though, whatever gets a person thru the day. Lets not forget that I have an outing with Nadine May 27 to Sox park and Im contemplating selling my ticket so she can go with her friend. It all sounds PETTY, yes I know but why be around a person who feels that way about you?

Emotion #3...Guilt. Some people don't seem to understand that when I go to a bar and just "chill" with them. It really discourages me in wanting to hang out because some people just don't respect when I say "I just can't". I'm super happy that I'm losing weight but as I start to see people, the routine people I should say, I'm starting to feel guilty. They all smile, they compliment, BUT they also judge my decision, judge me because I cant drink, judge me because I'm cautious of what I eat when I sit down to order something or just life in general. I don't like answering questions about my weight, I don't like answering questions of what I eat, etc. I don't want to voice an opinion on clothes, on food, nothing.  OH AND LETS NOT MENTION my ideal "skinny" compared to someone else's "ideal skinny". I wanna look a certain way period. God forbid I tell anyone, all I hear "oh that's too skinny, that sickly, oh that's never gonna happen".  Ugh, I just rather just talk about what's going on with everyone and their life and just "opt out " on my behalf. Selfish? It's crazy how I feel guilty for losing weight. It's crazy how my own daughter can put me down for losing weight and say I'm "trying to be a teenager again". Just the other day she commented on a picture on FB, it was of me at the Sox game with Nadine and she commented "I miss this mommy". How crazy is that!!! It's pretty sad.

Emotion#4...sadness/loneliness. It makes me real sad that at home the one place I would expect emotional support really lacks in support. I'm sad that "friends" lack that support as well. Towana, she's been there every step of the way and even notices my facial reaction to when I'm getting full on food. She makes me laugh when she has the clothes on that I have passed onto her and says "don't you just love my new outfit". Lol. It's sad that the support is just not there by so many that I thought would support me. I wish I had someone who has gone thru the surgery so I can ask what it is that they feel. Ask their experiences. I'm lonely because just of what I just mentioned above. Any weight loss, any new size, the tv appearance or videos, ANYTHING at all I cant share because either there is no one to share it with or the person I do share it with REALLY is just wishing all evil vibes to me.

All this makes it more and more hard for me to come out of my shell, my introverness stronger, my need to keep to myself greater and just become a skinny shy person, rather than the FAT shy person. Like I said before, if people only really knew what demons I battle internally and in life general, they'd truly be surprised.

Anyways, I weighed myself last week Thursday and it said 155, I actually gained a pound. Go figure. I took a before and after picture on Saturday with that weight in mind. Today, the actually weigh-in, I weighed myself early this morning and I weight 152.8 pounds. So hopefully I have broken my plateau and will start losing weight now. I have 30 pounds to loose still. That's 10/month before my 1-year anniversary.

With that being said, here are my pictures...



May 6th, 2013 - 152.8 pounds