My birthday has come and gone. It was bittersweet, if that's even the right word to use. Friday May 24th, I had a pretty awesome day. Spent the entire day with the man who captured my heart as a little girl. We went to the arboretum and walked and walked that whole place. Thou I am not a fan of plants, walking helped me get my exercise in and most importantly, spend quality time with this man whose time is always limited when it comes to me. Here are some of the pictures from that day...
We went home at the usual time (when people expect us to be home during a work week) and dinner was planned that evening with my close best friends. We went to a sports bar that I celebrated at last year, the food is awesome, the garlic waffle fries are to die for! My love even went to dinner with us as well, what more could I have asked for on this day! It will definitely be one of the best birthday's ever to remember. I was a tad bit upset that my friend Nadine didn't go, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I suppose this day was also another reminder that we have parted ways and distance only shows me just how much. Nonetheless, I had a good time and here are the people that mean the most to me...
Ironically enough, Nadine and I bought tickets to the crosstown that happens every year in our great city. I was honestly waiting for the text from her to say she was canceling or some excuse for not making it. She did however surprise me and kept the date. We talked about her mostly, what's been going on with her, the guys she's dating, the good money she makes at her new job, and not once did she even ask how I was doing, how am I feeling, nothing at all. It's cool, I don't think with the way I have been feeling that I would've shared anything anymore with her. I mean, I'll bullshit with her, shoot the breeze per say, but personal things a person would share with a good friend, yea, that's not gonna happen anytime soon if ever. Especially with her. Anyways, here are some pictures from that night...
My actual birthday, May 26th. Where should I start...I guess there is really not much to share. I cried some more, cried that my husband goes out of his way to upset me, my one twin Sandy spent the day with me, while my oldest daughter had to remain downstairs to keep her loser boyfriend company because she knows I rather not socilalize with him at all. My other twin Vero, yea she texted me around 5 that evening, because she's another one, has to be up her boyfriends ass and not focus on the important things in life, you know like "mom". I went to go see Fast and Furious 6 with my husband and Sandy and it was a pretty good movie. We went to Chili's and had dinner. That was the brunt of the whole day. We got home pretty early, probably 7 and of course my husband didn't want to go to 2 different bbq's that we were invited to. I wind up going to one of my male besties bbq's (Nelson) with Sandy. This is were Sandy and I had the most quality time I think we ever had. That 20 minute drive, so much was shared, I will never forget that. I told her how proud I am of her, never to give up on her dreams, I shared with her my dreams, my fears, if I had the money I would divorce her dad and the reason's why I felt that way. To my surprise, she did not scold me, she sat there and just listened. She actually said she wasn't going to see me any different and even encouraged me to fulfill my dreams. Easier said than done but not out of the picture! I miss my girls, all three of them. I miss holding them on my lap, holding their hands, I miss them looking at me with that look that "mommy is my world". I sat at the dinner with my friends that one night and just looked in awe at how those two little girls my friend had, were now mommies with children of their own. This feeling came over me, I cant even describe it, but other than jealousy, it made me smile to know that they had grown into beautiful young women with a good head on their shoulders, doing what they needed to do to get shit done and growing and growing each day individually and with their children. I'm not gonna lie and say that I don't wanna be a grandma, but like I posted in an earlier post, I'll be a happy grandma when my girls are stable and doing what they need to do to get shit done without the help of anyone.
What else is going on??? I've been working pretty long hours at work because they haven't hired anyone and it seems that my work never gets done and the piles keep stacking up. I've been working about 10-12 hours a day. Oh and softball started on May 23 so I'm pretty excited about the season! I tried my hand at bowling on Wednesday, May 29th and since my 10-year hiatus, I bowled terribly. My first game was an all gutter game (never in my life did I ever bowl and G-game), my second game was 69 and the third game was 107. Mind you, I used to average a 161. Boy did those games bumm me out lol. The love of my life has been acting differently and I'm not sure why. It seems that I cry more and more as days pass due to him versus smiling. Its not normal, its really sad in my eyes and as much as I would love to spend time with him and know its not possible, you would think that I would still be smiling because I have something in life to look forward to. I'm not saying a "life" with him, but just a text, a simple talk or walk when possible, something that gets me through the day, my "life" in general. I've been thinking more and more each day that perhaps God punishes me for the decisions I have made, the decisions I make in general and some sort of punishment for being the person I am. The distance amongst my friends, the loneliness I feel, the guilt I feel about my surgery, all these emotions God is making me feel is my punishment for the person that I am. I cant be mad at God, he does the things he does for a reason and all I can do is accept them.
I have a vendor event at a park this Sunday and then another vendor event on June 14th. Hoping to be more successful than the last one at Paisan's. We'll see how God handles those for me.
I wont post anything about my weight until June 6th. Hopefully I lost some weight, but with the stress I've been feeling lately, Ive been eating a whole lot and out of the ordinary which also has got me bummed out and feeling very defeated. I need positive vibes thrown my way and I hope soon. Well, I guess I'll be back on June 6th. Bye.
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