October 25th

I havent blogged since last week, thought I'd write some random thoughts that are bouncing around in my head...kinda looks like this:

1.  this office coffee, I swear taste's like it has nicotine in it.
2.  gotta dye my hair tonight to hide that silvery gray that keeping sparkling in any kind of light.
3.  my stomach pouch, why wont it go away, that little pouch better go away soon because it's getting me down.
4.  michelle's hair really looks cute and I can tell she feels good about her haircut.
5.  I swear this coffee has nicotine in, I gotta finish it and then go wash my teeth.
6.  I hope I dont get lost going to osweago next week for my dental appointment.
7.  I have not had a bowel movement since Saturday, October 20th, damn vitamins!
8.  have to schedule my patient appointments and do this QI graphs
9.  I feel like im gonna climb the walls today with this damn coffee
10.  what am I gonna do with those clothes that are on my closet floor
11.  feeling blue today even when its sunny outside
12.  my niece's birthday today, hope she hasnt cried today but something tells me she has
13.  towana's birthday tomorrow and I have no money to take her out :(


So as you can see many things bouncing around in my head all at once. Things at home were pretty bad on Monday and Tuesday but didnt blog about it. To hurtful to even write down. Yesterday was an "okay" day. No arguments and thou I shed tears usually in the morning, tears didnt pour out as bad yesterday. Yay! I went through a drawer yesterday of capri's that no longer fit. Two piles of capri's that are currently folded and sitting on my closet floor. I have more drawers of pants to go thru and then hit the closet to see what blouses no longer fit. Im currently a size 14, snuggish I wanna say but went from an 18 snug to a 14 snug. My extra large and 1x sweaters are starting to droop over my shoulders. YAY! Skirts are kinda baggy as well and the pants that I do wear you can see the space between my waist and the material and the bagginess in the crotch area. YAY! I must admit, though the clothes dont fit me, its hard for me to let them go. Weird? Nope, whats weird is that while going thru my clothes I was thinking "I should save these just in case I dont loose weight I'll have my clothes to fall back on". See! Im still feeling that I'm not gonna loose weight when it's obvious in my clothes and in my appearance that I am loosing. I tell ya, my mind is my own worse enemy!

I went to Lane Bryant yesterday, I bought 2 pants, size 14, jeggin material. Not too bad when I tried them on. Kinda feels weird to me to have something form fitting when all my life I have bought clothes big enough to hide my fat and unwanted curves. I have noticed my arms have more loose skin than before but at the same time look slimmer? Maybe it was always there and I just never noticed. I dunno. My collar bone, the thing I want to see the most in this weight loss is starting to show. My no neck appearance has suddenly seemed to appear and I have a neck. All this sounds weird but I guess you have to be a chubby girl to understand the things we see.

Eating remains the same. I can only eat so much but it has been awhile since I have thrown up. I stop eating as soon as I feel full. Even that last bite that I wanna take, I dont because I know that it will make me feel ill and then the need to vomit for relief. Water intake, yea the same! Im drinking it but not as I should be. Intake of food is still about 1/2 cup to 1 cup of food. Depending on what I am consuming. My follow-ups arent until next month.

Okay, thats all for right now, have to get back to work.